DEAR PETER:

What causes a mother to reject her child and then later on reject the grandchildren? No matter who, what, where and how, I have never been good enough for my mother. This woman for no reason will reject and withdraw her love from me. I am 43 years old and tired of it. I feel like quitting and not allowing a relationship with her anymore. I have a daughter with mild autism.... my mother goes on to tell me how jealous she is of other grandparents that have normal children. Now she does not want my children in her presence anymore.

My in-laws love my daughters beyond belief and can't understand my mothers rejection. My other daughter is in the 9th grade... in a college credit math class and received a "B". My mother ridiculed her and told her if she tried even harder it would have been an "A" and that "B's" are unacceptable to her.

It seems to me that unconditional love is not in her personality and that she hunts and looks for reasons to reject..... WHY do mothers do this? I love my children unconditionally, furthermore I would not have it any other way. I sometimes wonder if I had something to do with it. I spent years blaming myself.... when she rejects me she will not speak to me for years. Growing up she went a whole two years and only spoke to me on an as needed basis and it was very curt. Now that I am an adult she will not speak to me again for years.

I have decided to give up and forget that I have a mother. I can't go through life always worrying and walking on eggshells to make sure I don't offend her and have her reject me. Am I okay for making this decision?

"Adult Child Rejected by Mother"

Dear Adult Child:

It's a bitter reality that many parents become parents before they are mature enough to express the highest standard of parental love to their children. I personally think that all of us are in that dilemma, to some degree or another, for the "highest standard" is indeed hard to reach. I believe that it is every parent's duty to love their children the way that God does. I think that children expect that kind of love from their parents. It is thus very crushing to a child when she discovers that her mother is unable to understand or express true parental love.

As an adult child and parent yourself, I believe that your first responsibility is to continue to break the vicious cycle of inadequate love between parents and children, by creating an environment of parental love for your children (as you have been doing). If your mother is unable to love you or your children at the moment, then I don't believe it's wrong to protect yourself and your daughters from her negative influence.

I think it is important to tell your mother that she is always welcome if she is willing to treat you and your daughters with love and respect. People change, so I would NOT forget that you have a mother. I would just make it clear to her that you wish to create a home of love and she needs to participate. If she can't rise to that standard now, then perhaps she should stay away until she can grow more.

I frequently tell myself that the only thing we can control is how much love we give to others. We can't control the behavior of others - we can only control how we react to them, and how we treat them. Your mother is responsible for her own behavior -- not you. Ultimately, she will have to grow on her own, and become more parental. One never knows how long personal growth will take. She may have to meet someone who can really love her with parental love. Some people may never change until they get to the spirit world. In that realm, it might take someone hundreds or thousands of years to change. It's really up to them.

What I do feel confident of is that everyone will eventually grow. Why? Simply because God's love is inexhaustible. The water of love will eventually soften the hardest soil.