The HeartThread Journal - 2nd Quarter, 1997 Issue
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* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of
Marriage,
Parenting,
Family & Society -
----------------------------------
Vol. 2, No. 2
2nd Quarter, 1997
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Published by FutureRealm Productions
* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of Marriage, Parenting, Family & Society -
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vol. 2, No. 2 2nd Quarter, 1997
"To promote and encourage the 'thread' of unselfish heart and love
that invisibly connects husbands and wives, parents and children,
and brothers and sisters."
------------------------------
From the Editor
...............
Our summer issue starts with a humorous look at
marriage, that a reader found on the Net. I liked it for
its humor, but also because of its historical glimpse of
marriage. Marriage is going through tough times today --
but it wasn't much better throughout history. As
preparation for our next book, entitled "Building a
Marriage of True Love", my wife Kim and I have been
researching marital attitudes through the ages.
In the late 1600's, King Charles II of England, when
confronted with a man who said that his wife understood
Greek and Hebrew, growled, "Can she make a pudding? That
is learning enough for your wife."
From the other side of the globe, a reader from
Singapore writes about her difficulties in being born a
girl in a Confucian society.
One of my hopes for this journal is to explore the
concept that marriage and family life should be centered
on a new paradigm -- the "heartistic way of life."
Historical attitudes toward men, women and children
have seldom reflected the view that each person,
regardless of age, gender, race, or religion, was created
to become an individual son or daughter of God, with all
the dignity and royalty that such a lineage implied.
It is ironic that when individuals failed to treat
others with the same heart that God had toward both of
them, they not only denied the original value of the
other person, but lessened their own value as well. In
marriage, and in family life, if we uplift the value of
our spouse and children, our own value as a man or woman
of heart and true love will expand and grow.
I believe that we've reached the point in history
when new values such as these will become the norm. As
Picard from Star Trek would say, we must "make it so."
Peter F. Brown
Editor & Publisher
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The HeartThread Journal Page 1
TABLE OF CONTENTS
* From the Editor, Peter F. Brown ......................1
* How To Find A Wife
(a humorous look at Biblical advice),
Author Unknown .......................................5
* Noting Violent Media's Effect on Kids,
by Cheryl Wetzstein ..................................6
* I Celebrate Forsythia in a Cherry Blossom Town,
by Cynthia Edwards ...................................8
* How to be a Good Spiritual Parent,
by Chad Martin .......................................9
* Room 505 TCU,
by Olga S. Hardman ..................................12
* Adultery is a Sin that Destroys: Just Say "No",
by Betsy Mathews Wright .............................14
* The Movie Mom's Guide to Movies
and Videos for Families, by Nell Minow ..............16
(Review of "Hercules" and "Cat's Don't Dance")
* HeartQuestions / Questions & Reflections
about Marriage, Parenting, Family & Society
"Overcoming Resentment Toward Our Parents"
by Peter F. Brown ...................................19
* When Children Get in Touch With Their Inner Pig,
by Kim Korman Brown .................................22
* The HeartThread Resource Guide:
Resources for Couples, Parents & Families ...........25
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The HeartThread Journal Page 2
The HeartThread Journal
is published by FutureRealm Productions
Publisher and Editor - Peter F. Brown
Co-Publisher - Kim Korman Brown
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Visit our web page, "The HeartThread Resource Page", at:
"http://futurerealm.com"
or our other site at "http://worldcommunity.com"
or email us at: "peterbrown@futurerealm.com"
or: "kimbrown@futurerealm.com"
You can mail us at:
FutureRealm Productions
P.O. Box 4131 ~ Virginia Beach, VA 23454 / USA
or you can call us at: (757) 468-6848
or fax us at: (757) 468-6461
(note our area code change from "804")
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SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION / Email Version & Printed Version
**********************************************************
The HeartThread Journal is a subscription-based publication
sent out through email on the Internet each quarter.
(It's quarterly TEMPORARILY - it will be monthly in the future.)
To subscribe, send an email to "peterbrown@futurerealm.com" with
the phrase "subscribe - HeartThread" in the body of the message.
To unsubscribe, send an email with the phrase
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Internet subscriptions are normally $12.00 per year for 12 issues.
For a limited time, Internet subscriptions are FREE.
(Paid subscriptions will start when it reverts back to monthly.)
Single printed copies are available for $4.00 ea. + $1.00 S&H.
Subscriptions to the printed version are available for $48 per year.
Please mail US Bank Check or Money Order to the above address.
The promotional free Internet subscriptions are not contractually
guaranteed for 12 months -- rather the subscription will
continue indefinitely for free until the publishers
end this special promotion and begin normal subscription rates.
Free subscribers will be notified when this happens,
and will be offered a regular subscription.
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WRITERS ARE ALWAYS NEEDED
*************************
If you want to write for The HeartThread Journal,
we will be happy to review your article, column or story.
Please review our "Writers Guidelines" on our web page,
and email us your proposal or actual work.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 3
ADVERTISING INFORMATION
***********************
Advertising products or services of value or interest
to parents, couples or families is encouraged.
Brief textual advertisements will appear in the
"HeartThread Resource Guide" at the end of this journal.
For a limited time, advertisements will be FREE.
When this special advertising promotion ends,
advertising rates will be published.
FREE ADVERTISING FOR AUTHORS
****************************
All authors receive FREE advertising space in
the issue that their article or column appears.
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COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
*********************
All materials contained herein are
(C) Copyright 1997 by FutureRealm Productions
except for individual articles and columns,
which are Copyrighted by their respective authors.
Individual authors retain all rights to their articles,
unless otherwise specified.
All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
No part of this journal may be used or reproduced
in any manner whatsoever without
written permission from the publisher,
or the individual authors
(in the case of their articles or columns),
except in cases of brief quotations
embodied in articles and reviews.
Opinions expressed by writers in The HeartThread Journal
are not necessarily those of FutureRealm Productions.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
*********************
Readers wishing to submit a letter should email it to:
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com"
or send it by regular mail to the above address.
Letters may be edited for grammar or length.
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How To Find A Wife
(a humorous look at Biblical advice)
......................................
Unknown Author
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home,
shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes.
Then she's yours.
Deuteronomy 21:11-13
Find a prostitute and marry her. Hosea 1:1-3
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by
watering his flock.
Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as
part of the deal.
Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to
dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
Note: this will cost you a rib.
Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's
hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong
woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you
wanted to marry in the first place. (That's right:
fourteen years of toil for a woman.)
Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut 200 f-------s off of your future father-in-law's
enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a
bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all
relative of course.)
Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a
beauty contest.
Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your
parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If
your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her
for me. She's the one for me."
Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
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Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose
four sons though.)
David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's
not just a good idea, it's the law.)
Onan and Boaz
(Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with
quantity.
Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife?...NOT!!!
Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
........................
Author Unknown
(text found on the Net)
* * * * * * * *
Noting Violent Media's Effect on Kids
.......................................
by Cheryl Wetzstein
"The debate is over," asserts child psychologist
Madeline Levine. "Violence on television and in the
movies is damaging to children."
She bases her claim on 40 years of research that
says children exposed to high levels of media violence
become more aggressive, pessimistic and desensitized.
If this is true, why do children watch an average of
four hours of TV a day? Why are there five acts of
violence each hour during TV's "prime time"? Why is there
violence in 90% of Saturday morning children's shows?
The answers are threefold, says Ms. Levine, author
of a new book, "Viewing Violence: How Media Violence
Affects Your Child's and Adolescent's Development:"
- Parents don't know about the research and don't
realize they should protect their children from excessive
exposure to violence.
- The media has tackled many disturbing problems but
failed to focus on itself. Instead, the media, like
tobacco firms, is more apt to argue there's no proof
their "products" are harmful.
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- Violence is one of the most reliable profit makers
in show business: It is a universally understood language
that exports well to other nations. And in children's
programming, violence is easily substituted for "action",
with entire shows created to showcase a line of "action"
figures that are for sale at any number of stores.
"Violence among youngsters and teenagers has
skyrocketed," says Ms. Levine, who has a therapy practice
in Kentfield, California, near San Francisco.
Forty years of research says "with one voice" that
one of the causes of this violence is the incessant
glamorization of violence in the media," she says.
"However, the entertainment industry's self protective
stance has resulted in these findings being ignored,
denied, attacked or misrepresented."
Violence is part of life, adds Ms. Levine, who will
be [was] at Borders Books at Bailey's Crossroads on Oct.
10. But the media plays a huge role in shaping public
attitudes, and if American society is becoming
increasingly impatient, callous and mean-spirited, the
media has to accept some of the blame. "We want to know
more about the human condition and how to deal with
adversity," she says. "We are tired of being
shell-shocked."
Public outcry over violence in the media is growing.
Two weeks ago, the American Medical Association issued
guidelines to discourage indiscriminate TV viewing.
Earlier this year, a study funded by the National Cable
Television Council in Los Angeles is calling on networks
to revive "family hour" from 8pm to 9pm. And lawmakers
have mandated that a TV ratings system be established -
and a v-chip censorship device installed on every new TV
set. (Ed. note, we are seeing the TV ratings system now
in 1997)
The more attention to the issue, the better, says
Ms. Levine, who became involved in the issue in 1992 when
she learned that her 12 year old son was the only one of
his friends who hadn't seen, "The Silence of the Lambs,"
the Oscar winning movie that contains cannibalism,
mutilation and murder.
Astonished that her son's friends' well educated
parents had, in many cases, allowed their sons to see a
violent, R-rated movie, Ms. Levine decided to give a talk
on violence and children.
But when she went to bookstores and libraries, "I
couldn't find a single book on the effects of media on
kids and teenagers," she said.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 7
When she looked for clinical research, however, she
found that her subject was the "the most
social-science-researched topic of the century, with
3,000 studies in general and 1,000 on media violence and
kids alone."
She wrote her book to shed light on some of these
studies, and also review, for parents and teachers, the
way children develop in their perception of the world and
their moral reasoning. What affects one child won't
trouble another, depending on their age and maturity.
Ms. Levine is most concerned about "good guys" who
act violent because they are the ones the kids are likely
to emulate and they are rarely punished for their violent
actions. She is also worried that repeatedly seeing
violence - especially with a humorous context - without
consequences, leads to desensitization, she says.
"There are really disturbing studies that show that
kids who watch a lot of TV are less likely to help other
people.
If you blow that up to a social level, you end up
with less and less community and more and more withdrawal
into individual entitlements and less concern about each
other. It's a real dangerous road," she says.
Children are great imitators and will "model" the
attitudes and behaviors they see. This can be beneficial
she adds. "Barney and Friends" has been shown to improve
children's manners as well as their vocabulary, and as
little as two weeks of exposure to "Mister Roger's
Neighborhood" has helped preschoolers become more
cooperative, nurturing and better able to express their
feelings.
.......................................
Reprinted by permission from
The Washington Times (10-01-96)
Email: dwetzstein@aol.com
* * * * * * * *
I Celebrate Forsythia in a Cherry Blossom Town
................................................
by Cynthia Edwards
Willful, gaudy, tomboy bush!
Shocking yellow
Shooting arms out wildly at startled passers by
Are you attacking?
Or attracting, like Rapunzel,
Shining with desire and golden crown!
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The HeartThread Journal Page 8
Oh, the trees are brown, the sky is grey
In early spring
But you spring forth a thousand times more bright
Than need be
Advertising glory: "Your wild desires fulfilled!"
A nugget glowing out of winter's ashes.
Who can challenge you, forsooth?
Not the baby bud, the spray of leafy green
Peeping past dead branches
With a wink, a blink --
A timid painter dappling hues --
A pointillistic backdrop to the fauvist you
Warpaint face with friendly wave
My neighbor trimmed you round to prettify his walk,
But fire won't burn in custom shapes --
Your blaze stood still
And took on all the glamour of a bleached brunette
(I saw your inner branch, black beneath the brass).
Wild and free you have to be
And queen of any pageant
'Gainst the pallid cherry tree;
Its frosty blooms are spooky
Apparitions in the mist,
A million moths obsessing on a burnt out wick.
Rays of sun, I worship thee!
I want your overflowing spirit
Running riot 'round my house
Pyrotechnics of the dirt from which your magic came
I'm for you and you're for me
For, Lord be praised, I even share your name.
............................
Cynthia Edwards is a writer
living in Plano, Texas
Email: motjuste@gte.net
* * * * * * * *
How to be a Good Spiritual Parent
...........................................
A book review on "Spiritual Parenting"
by Dr. David Carroll, Paragon House, 1990
by Chad Martin
This excellent book is packed with many practical
suggestions for raising children ages 1 to 10. The author
quotes sources that include yoga, Islam, Taoism, Buddhism
and Native American. To me, the many nonspecific
references to the variety of religions were a little
disorienting.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 9
In the section on the Tao of Discipline, the author
discusses eight categories. When the child is angry we
can try a variety of tactics. As his temper rises, say
nothing. Instead, stroke his head, arms and legs. Try a
hug. For children 2 to 4 years old, breathe in unison
with them. Start quickly, then slow down. Clap
rhythmically. Invite the child to clap with you. Speak to
children over 5 in a low, relaxed voice. Explain that
peaceful options exist now. Sing folk songs, spirituals,
even popular songs -- whatever works -- even with older
children. For children 6 to 10 years old, sit with them
and remain silent. Be peaceful. They will know and
receive your spirit.
Watch yourself. You might be napping, over critical,
psychologically absent, have too many or too few rules,
be too harsh or too lenient, or you might be yelling.
For discipline, use positive techniques. Save the
most important requests for the dinner table. Teach
behavior role models through stories. Ignore naughty
behavior when possible. Use incentives rather than
punishments. Incentives are not bribery, which is a
payment for an illegal activity. Repeat, don't scold.
Have others say the same thing. Leave signs or notes in
problem areas. Periodically move the signs. Have the
child repeat instructions back.
Be careful of words with hidden meanings like: "Ask
your father," "Act like an adult," and "Do what you
like."
Search for what is behind behavior. What is the
child trying to express? What is his goal? How can I
fulfill his needs in a good way? What am I doing to make
his behavior worse?
Many children test your limits. Explain rules and
the punishment ahead of time. If the child is acting out,
remove him from the scene. Evaluate with the child. Give
encouragement so the child will do better next time.
Children misbehave for attention, power, revenge and
to display feelings of inadequacy. To cultivate
discipline, the parent should be self-disciplined and
focus fully on the child several times a day.
Correction
**********
In the Tao of Punishment section, the author gives
suggestions for the 10 ages of children. With children
aged 1-2 years old, the children learn the meaning of yes
and no. There should be no deprivations, scoldings or
physical punishment. With children aged 2-3, the parent
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The HeartThread Journal Page 10
should create diversions, keep the children busy, expect
yes and no commands to be obeyed. Discuss the problem and
consequences before and after. Speak and listen. With
children aged 3-4, give applause, appreciation and
encouragement. Commands should be detailed and specific.
Give small chores.
Children aged 4-5 are learning right from wrong.
Give simple, small punishments. Explain before and after.
Children should say, "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you."
Supervise, repeat orders, and praise 5-6 year olds. Do
not embarrass or discipline these children in front of
other children from now on. Children 6-7 often say "No",
but then do as requested. Give them time. Children aged
7-8 respond to reason and repetition. Children 8-9 are
argumentative. Set rules and expect them to be followed.
Punishment should be an automatic consequence. Give
incentives and minimize instructions.
Children 9-10 should be watched for lying to avoid
responsibility. Children 10-11 try to please parents.
Give clear responsibilities, minimize lecturing, let
justice be immediate.
Penitence can include manual chores, church or
charity, giving away toys, volunteering to help
handicapped people, donating money or giving clothes to
homeless people.
In order to develop proper values and virtues,
parents should strictly control TV use. Also, toys should
be purchased with physical and/or educational benefit in
mind. Avoid toys with immodest values, meaningless games
(video games), ugly and sinister toys, war toys, most
comic books, poorly-made toys, and toys or games which
teach cutthroat competition and irreligious behavior.
Many books discuss how a child can feel love. Few
books discuss how to love unselfishly. Write down
character traits you think are most desirable. Teach your
children the difference between love as a feeling and
love as a virtue. Virtue is to protect as well as make
holy. Honesty includes sharing, using truth with love,
not hurting others. Children 4-6 easily fantasize. They
may not be able to tell the truth from a lie, or know the
difference between a figure of speech, a joke, a tease,
or the difference between politeness, exaggeration or an
estimation. If a nine year old lies, make the child aware
that you know he is lying; make it plain that you do not
approve, and explain alternative methods for next time.
Try to determine if the child lied due to fear, fantasy,
convenience or anger.
Teach honest behavior. Reward fulfillment of
responsibilities. Praise confessions. A promise is sacred
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The HeartThread Journal Page 11
first for the parents, then for the children. Practice
what you preach.
Patience is taught. Children even less than one year
old do not need instant gratification. Encourage children
to work with their hands. Encourage children to accept
reality by teaching them about giving thanks, social
gratitude and contentment.
Teach manners and forbearance. Real manners are the
expression of kindness. Say "please" and "thank you" to
preschoolers. Use everyday experiences to teach children.
Help children to go against the grain. For example, give
respect to others whom you do not like. Be polite to
children. Do not use sarcasm, cynicism and public
accusation. Even young children can understand humane
rules like "no hitting", while they often fight
conventional rules like bedtime. Explain the logic behind
manners. Teach manners politely. A child should not be
allowed to hit his parents. Allowing hitting teaches
revenge. A 3 year old can begin meditation with a
30-second to 1-minute quiet period at a regular time and
place. Before meals and at bedtime are particularly good
times for regular meditation.
.....................
Chad Martin lives in
Billings, Montana
* * * * * * * *
Room 505 TCU
..............
by Olga S. Hardman
There has never been a doubt that Lelia and I were
destined by Fate to be together in Room 505 in the
Transitional Care Unit of St. Vincent's Charity Hospital.
Somehow I knew from the very beginning that this patient
and I were meant to share the agonies and joys of life
together just as we shared a room together, if only for a
brief time.
Our beds were close enough so that we could join
hands at night and pray together. We shared the stories
of our lives and rejoiced, as well as commiserated with
each other, over our blessings and our griefs.
I was recovering from my fourth hip replacement
surgery and Lelia was recovering from heart surgery.
Since I was hospitalized 250 miles from my home in WV and
Lelia was in her home town, I got to enjoy the visits of
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The HeartThread Journal Page 12
Lelia's family members. (Most of the visits from my
family came via long-distance telephone.) I especially
enjoyed her great-grandson, Kendall, who was 5 years old.
Lelia's husband, Jim, often brought Kendall to visit his
great-grandmother. In order to give Lelia some private
time with her husband, I often took Kendall down to the
nurses station, where M&M's with and without peanuts were
on sale for some children's charity. It was on these
private little treks with Kendall that I got to know what
a bright, adorable little boy he was.
Lelia's surgery had been a long and difficult one.
During the procedure she suffered a stroke which affected
her optic nerve and rendered her blind. Since she had
been told that her blindness was probably temporary, she
spent each day hoping that that was the day when her
sight would return. And each night we joined hands and
prayed together that such would soon be the case.
On Thursday, when the neurologist came in to see
Lelia, I was in physical therapy and hence did not hear
him say that her condition was probably permanent. When I
returned to our room and learned the reason for Lelia's
grief, I hobbled over to her bed and sat on the edge
beside her. There we embraced each other and cried
together for many long, grief-filled moments.
Lelia was greatly concerned that Kendall would be
devastated by the news that his great-grandmother was
blind. During his next visit, when she had decided that
she could not put off telling him any longer, she called
him over to her bedside and said, "Kendall, you know that
grandmother can't see very well." His reply was, "Do you
mean that you are blind?" She said, "Well I can't see
very well." To which Kendall replied, "Don't worry, I'll
talk to my father about it." Since Kendall has a real
father, a stepfather and a great-grandfather, Lelia
didn't know to whom her was referring. So she said, "Whom
do you mean, Kendall, your father?" Kendall replied,
"Don't you know Grandmother, I mean God."
Lest you think that our time in 505 was spent only
in grief and misery, let me assure you that Lelia and I
shared many funny stories and told each other many jokes.
We both have a keen sense of humor and saw many funny
things in each day's happenings. For example, Lelia and I
were unable to use the same potty in the bathroom we
shared. I am 5'8" and required an elevated commode seat
because of my recent hip surgery. Because Lelia is only
4'11", she simply could not sit on a such a high commode
without her legs dangling. Hence each trip to the
bathroom became an event - a ritual, rather like the
changing of the guard. Unfortunately, one night I did not
notice that the elevated seat had not been replaced after
Lelia's last trip to the bathroom. I literally fell into
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The HeartThread Journal Page 13
the potty, which could have been a major catastrophe, but
since no damage was done, it became something else to
laugh about.
Who would have guessed that I am a white woman from
WV whose ancestry is from Northern France near the
Belgium border and Lelia is a black woman from Cleveland
whose ancestry is from the Pygmy nation in equatorial
Africa? Lelia and I were so aware of our common points as
members of the human race that we simply never noticed
the difference in the color or our skin nor our diverse
ancestry. Love, indeed, is color blind.
.........................................
Olga S. Hardman is a writer and a retired
music supervisor for the largest school system
in Central West Virginia. She currently operates
her own music studio for a select group of
piano, voice and solfege students.
* * * * * * * *
Adultery is a Sin that Destroys: Just Say "No"
................................................
by Betsy Mathews Wright
Adultery isn't something people like to talk about,
unless someone else has been caught in the act. That's
why there's been so much talk about it lately. Recently
featured in the news for their indiscretions: Frank
Gifford and a blond stewardess, Michael Kennedy and his
kid's baby sitter, Kelly Flinn and a soccer coach.
It would be real easy for me to just shake my head
and skip this issue. It would be easy because I know,
love and care deeply for so many people who've actually
done the deed. It would also be easy to skip this topic
because adultery is truly one of those "there but for the
grace of God, go I" sins. I've gone too close to that
fire to self-righteously fool myself into thinking I'm
completely immune.
Problem is, adultery causes real pain, real guilt
and real suffering. To ignore it is to trivialize those
realities. To ignore it is to condone it.
I can't do that, and I can give you fourteen
reasons. Fourteen. That's how many families I know that
have been shattered by the sin of adultery. Fourteen. And
those are just the ones I know.
That's some sin.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 14
What makes adultery such a biggie in the sin
department? Compared to other major sins, adultery -
voluntary sexual intercourse by a married person with
someone other than his or her spouse - has the most
destructive effect on the spiritual life. No other sin,
not even murder, requires someone to transgress so many
other sins as does adultery.
Committing adultery requires one to lie and deceive,
to steal (as in stealing the affections of another and
stealing time away from one's spouse and family), to
covet, to dishonor God, family and individual human
dignity. It often requires hypocrisy and arrogance,
weakness of character and cowardice.
If it's so bad, then why do so many people do it?
People do it because people need love, and adultery is
very good at masking itself as love. Problem is, folks
most often wake up to find they were not in love. They
were in lust.
People also do it because it's so easy and so
tempting. Adultery is most often committed in secret by
two consenting adults; therefore most people can fool
themselves in to thinking, "I won't get caught." Also few
modern secular societies have laws against adultery.
People don't fear being arrested and punished for
adultery in the same way they fear being caught for
embezzlement or driving drunk.
Unfortunately, the lack of secular laws against it
also makes it that much more acceptable. Add to that the
way adultery is portrayed in the popular culture - as
something romantic, exciting, hot and passionate - and
you've got a bona fide sinsation.
That's very sad, and disgusting. Call me a prude,
but I see nothing romantic, exciting or passionate about
adultery. What I see is a sin that destroys like nothing
else.
In the fourteen cases that I all-too-quickly called
to mind, I have seen spouses reduced to basket cases and
children turned into emotional zombies. I've seen
livelihoods wrecked and extended families torn apart.
I've seen homes where laughter and joy once reigned
turned into gray mausoleums of grief. No other sin has
quite the same ripple effect of destruction.
The most devastating ripple? When the people
affected give up on God. I've seen the spouses and
children who suffer because of an adulterous mate or
parent reject God for fear he will also betray them. I've
seen those who've committed adultery lose God because
their guilty hearts won't let Him in. It's sad.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 15
This is why it's a biggie. This is why I hate
adultery.
This is why I just have to beg any person who would
commit this sin to ask first: Is it worth it? Are a few
moments of pleasure worth the carnage of my selfish act?
Think about it. And if you need help, let me give
you fourteen reasons to say no.
........................................
Reprinted by permission from
Ms. Wright's column, "Issues of Faith",
The Virginian-Pilot, May 31, 1997
* * * * * * * *
The Movie Mom's Guide to
Family Movies and Videos
..........................
by Nell Minow
Reviews for parents of the best of current films and
old movies available on video and cable, by Nell Minow,
author, film critic, and mother. Reviews will be updated
each week with recommendations and replies to questions
about movies on special topics, suitability of particular
movies for children, and movie trivia--try to stump me!
I'd also love your suggestions for a new book on movies
for families. The best kids' comments I receive will be
published. The Movie Mom (TM)
For Kids
********
Hercules
........
(1997) G, Recommended for 4 and up
Disney has learned its lesson, following the
lukewarm reaction to last summer's dark and brooding
"Hunchback of Notre Dame." This summer's release is the
most purely entertaining animated film from Disney since
"Aladdin." And, like "Aladdin," this movie's white-bread,
"aw, shucks" teen-age protagonist is utterly outshone by
a star turn of astonishing verve -- this time, James
Woods as bad guy Hades, who will join Cruella DeVille in
the pantheon of unforgetable villains. Sidekicks Pain and
Panic (Bobcat Goldthwait and Matt "Max Headroom" Frewer)
are wickedly funny as well.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 16
The movie reflects sufficient knowledge (and
understanding) of Greek mythology to incorporate some sly
jokes (along with nonstop Borscht Belt humor, much of it
directed at keeping awake the adults in the audience, and
some especially welcome jokes poking fun at Disney
itself). Disney does not hesitate to completely rewrite
the story of Hercules to suit a formula that draws from
established classics like "Sleeping Beauty" (child of the
rulers taken from them to be raised by others due to
interference of jealous and powerful outsider) and
"Pinocchio" (Hercules spends the entire movie trying to
achieve the equivalent of Pinocchio's becoming a "real
boy," ultimately making it only by willingness to give
his own life for someone he loves). According to Disney,
Hercules was the adored son of gods Zeus and Hera, stolen
by Hades, ruler of the underworld, and made mortal. He
must become a true hero to become a god again, so he can
live with his parents on Mount Olympus.
To do this, he seeks out a grouchy satyr (voice of
Danny DeVito), who trains him in fighting techniques and
strategy. When he saves some children (so he thinks) and
defeats the hydra (its many heads masterfully provided by
computer animation), he becomes an instant celebrity,
with action figures and "Air Hercules" sandals. He goes
on to his other labors, but finds that is not enough to
be a real hero -- that comes from the heart, not the
muscles. This provides a good opportunity to talk to kids
about who the real heroes are, and how society treats its
heroes. Why do we buy products endorsed by athletes (or
movie tie-ins)? It is also worth talking with them about
Hercules' motivation -- is wanting to be a god a good
reason to want to be a hero? Do we see any evidence that
he (or anyone else in the movie) has much concern for the
well-being of the community?
Kids will need some preparation for this movie. What
little exposition there is is provided by Spice
Girl-style "muses" as a sort of gospel Greek chorus, fun
to watch, but hard to follow. A four-year-old behind me
kept asking "what happened?" and "who's that?" The role
of the three fates, who share one eye between them and
cut a thread when a human's life is ended, is
particularly confusing. While the tone of the movie is
light-hearted, parts of it may be too scary and intense
for smaller children. Some may also be confused or even
upset about the underworld and what happens when people
die. Going over the story with them ahead of time will
help a lot.
The love interest in this movie is Meg, who sold her
soul to Hades to save the life of her boyfriend, and must
now try to find Hercules' weakness, so that Hades can
take over Olympus. She is tougher and braver than the
traditional DID (as damsels in distress are referred to
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 17
in the movie), but still very much on the sidelines in
the big moments. Parents may want to talk to both boys
and girls about her choices. They may also want to talk
about the absence of people of color (other than the
muses). The movie's other weakness is its lackluster
score. All in all, though, the movie is a resounding
success, and well worth seeing at least twice, and even
possibly buying a pair of Air Hercules sandals.
Cats Don't Dance
................
(1997) G, Recommended for 4 and up
A singing, dancing cat named Danny goes to Hollywood
to become a star in this colorful and energetic animated
musical suitable for all but the very youngest toddlers.
He finds, however, that no one in Hollywood thinks that
animals can be stars. A Shirley Temple-style moppet named
Darla Dimple pretends to help him audition with his
friends, only to sabotage their big number by flooding
the soundstage. Danny, humilated, decides to go back
home. But he can't give up, and the rousing finish has
all of the animals staging a spectacular musical number,
with the inadvertant help of Ms. Dimple.
The animation is well above average, if not quite up
to the Disney standard, and the voice characterizations
are excellent, with Scott Bakula and Jasmine Guy as the
leads and Kathy Najimy, Don Knotts, and George Kennedy
outstanding in supporting roles. Parents will appreciate
some sly satire and the music, written by Randy Newman
and performed by Natalie Cole.
Themes to discuss include judging others on their
talent and character, rather than their appearance, and
about working for your dreams, even when the obstacles
seem insurmountable. Kids may also like to talk about
Darla Dimple, why she was so threatened by the talented
animals and the contrast between the way she behaved in
private and when she was in the public eye.
...............................................
The Movie Mom's Guide is on the web at:
http://pages.prodigy.com/moviemom/moviemom.html
"Movie Mom" is a trademark of Nell Minow
All material (C) 1997 Nell Minow
Email: nellm@aol.com
* * * * * * * *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 18
- HeartQuestions -
Questions & Reflections about
Marriage, Parenting, Family & Society
---------------------------------------
Overcoming Resentment Toward Our Parents
by Peter F. Brown
DEAR PETER:
I am 31 years old and am a Singaporean Chinese. I
was married in 1993 to a guy 2 years my senior.
I was fostered out to a foster family when I was
just 3 days old! My foster family gets paid every month
from my natural parents (though the paltry sum they paid
eventually decreased throughout the years) until it was
really my foster parents who "subsidized" and paid for
some of my things.
My childhood -- I remember it as confusing and
hurtful. My natural mum is a compulsive gambler and she
used to USE ME AS AN EXCUSE in order to go to the
gambling dens! She rarely visited me (only once in
several months) and when she did, put me into a corner of
the gambling den without drink NOR food until she had
finished her mahjong which was usually WAY PAST MIDNIGHT!
This is only one of the many other horrid times I had
with her! As for my natural father, he was one steeped in
feudal values and who hated girls and thought girls were
useless! For that stupid reason, he forbade me to advance
to University.
I am lucky to be married to a man who loves me very
much! However, I do not plan to have any kids because I
don't think I know how to love a child. I remember my
childhood as one of cutting remarks and hurtful incidents
-- remarks which pierced my heart to the very core!
In the Chinese context of child-parent
relationships, a child is supposed to be obedient and
filial toward her parents! But what about the parents?
Aren't they supposed to love and nurture their kids too?
It was only last year in 1996 that I began
questioning parental values and love. I cannot forget the
way my natural parents treated me. Why choose to give
birth to me if they don't love me??? Why? It would have
been better if they had simply aborted me! I am their
flesh and blood, why did they choose to hurt me with
their cutting and insensitive remarks? When I was a kid,
I saw my friends who had loving parents who doted on
them, and how I envied them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 19
I cannot get the resentment off me! WIth my hubby's
help, I have become stronger now and no longer cry when
my natural parents hurt me with their words! Nowadays, I
do not visit them at all except during Chinese New Year.
I am now thinking of cutting all ties with them if
possible! I cannot cannot cannot possibly FORGET the way
they treated me when I was growing up! My husband says my
natural parents have "softened" a little -- especially my
father -- but it is too late, don't you think so? 31
years of being unloved and now they want to try to be a
little nicer to me? Whatever for?? It is way too late --
I am already hardened by all those hurtful words and acts
in the past. Please advise.
For your info, I have now stopped work and am
applying to enter university in Perth. I get a 1 1/2 year
full exemption because of my diploma. What I have now is
the result of years of toil and hard work -- I did not
get a single cent from my parents. My natural parents
DOTED on my eldest brother who happened to be BORN a BOY!
He got the best of everything -- money + love + everthing
else!
Leow
DEAR LEOW:
I read your email very carefully. I'm very sorry to
hear about your experience!
I'm glad to hear that you're on your way to college
in Perth. The change of venue may be very refreshing for
your life. I'm also glad to hear that you have a husband
who loves you. You're very lucky that you do.
My experience was not as severe as yours, but I can
say that my father - although physically present - was
heartistically absent from my childhood. He never
expressed love to me after I was seven.
You are very right about the fact that parents are
obligated to love their children. Filial piety is a
child's natural response to overwhelming love from her
parents. Parents who don't love their children have no
right to demand filial piety from them.
I respect many parts of Chinese culture and
Confucian values, but I also believe that the internal
values of unselfish heart and love transcend those
traditional values. The way of relationships in a family
does need a certain "order", but beyond the external
order, internal "heart" should be the driving force in a
family.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 20
I like the definition of heart which says, "Heart is
the desire to gain joy by giving and receiving love."
When my wife, Kim, and I argue (which we hope is
never), although Confucian ethics would say that the wife
should follow the husband, there is an even higher order.
If the husband is the leader, who or what is the leader
of the husband? How can a husband (or a father) be
qualified to be a leader?
Kim and I like to put it very simply. Although it
sounds informal, it has a very real impact in our life.
We just tell ourselves that, "True love is the boss."
In other words, true love, or "unselfish love" is
the supreme ethic that guides our lives. The wife AND the
husband must bow down to the ethic of true love. It's the
same for parents. If the father or mother do something
that violates the ethic of true unselfish love, then
they're simply wrong. Period.
If, on the other hand, any of us adopt and practice
the ethic of giving to others, serving others, and loving
others unselfishly, then we automatically gain
"authority" in relationship to other people. The great
thing about this is that, by the very nature of true
love, we would then never misuse our "authority", but
instead do all we could to bring happiness to others, and
guide them toward the way of true unselfish love.
This concept goes beyond race, nationality, or
religion. Whatever one believes, in terms of religion, I
think that one can search the world over and never find
an ethic or value that has more beauty, peace, power, or
eternal impact than the ethic that says, "Please let me
give to others, serve others, and love others more." I
tell my children that unselfish love is the most powerful
force in the universe.
I also personally believe that humankind was created
by God, and that even though there are many bad parents
in the world, the mere fact that there are good parents,
and that true love really does exist, demonstrates that
logically the God who created that aspect of life must
have the attributes of unselfish love inside His own
heart. Otherwise, how could He create them?
For this reason, I think the real long-range power
that we can find in our life comes about from examining
and getting to know the heartistic situations, sadness,
and desire to love, that God is experiencing. I really do
believe that He is the First Parent for all of us, and
that He is one that we can absolutely trust. He's seen it
all, through thousands of years of bloody and mournful
history.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 21
In any case, even if one doesn't believe in God or
religion, the ethics of true love are a life-giving
formula for our life.
Ultimately, I prefer to look at parents such as
yours, or mine, as victims of their own parents, who
didn't know what they were doing. They're sad and
pathetic, in a way.
For that reason, I try to take the position that I
will give love to them, as THEIR parent, and try to
delicately guide them to understand heart and love. It's
easier to forgive them, if we realize how miserable and
confused and ignorant they have been.
Because "true love is the boss", I also think that
it's appropriate to draw a line, and not necessarily
follow our parent's way or direction, if their actions
and opinions violate true love. I think that is true
filial piety.
I pray for you success in life! I think that with
your experience, and sense of heart, you'll be a very
good mother. You know what you shouldn't do.
........................................................
Peter F. Brown is the author of the book,
"Striving for Parental Love" and lives in
Virginia Beach, VA with his wife Kim and their
four children, Tymon, Thea Grace, Ranin and Tadin
HeartQuestions is published as a column on
The HeartThread Resource Page at:
"http://futurerealm.com"
Email: peterbrown@futurerealm.com
* * * * * * * *
When Children Get in Touch With Their Inner Pig
.................................................
by Kim Korman Brown
It is spring now. As my brother says, the sky is
blue and the chirds are burping. The rains have come and
there are huge pits of water in my backyard. We have pits
because my children dug them. They like working with yard
tools. They want to raise our property value. A foot-deep
pit outside the backdoor is a fine trap for an
unsuspecting parent. It is also dandy for catching rain
water and gleeful stomping.
I used to have some nice rakes for leaf raking but
they were broken in two during the winter when my boys
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 22
were playing Robin Hood and Little John. They clacked
them together in mock combat, and when they got bored
doing that, whacked them against our willow tree until
they broke. I'm glad I don't own an axe. I probably
wouldn't have a willow tree anymore. "Gee Mom, we didn't
mean to chop it down."
Of course, I keep tools in the garage, but when I'm
not looking, they're grabbed for weaponry and left for
dead on the grass. When I fetch them to put them away, my
fingers close around slugs sticking to the wooden handles
and I shudder and fling them back on the lawn.
My kids are delighted to run outdoors unfettered by
coats in the relatively early Virginia spring. Flowers
are blooming and the mud is ripe. The pits of water are
put to use. Gracie and her little girlfriends have a
board and two concrete blocks on which they make 'pies'.
The boys, Tymon, Ranin and Tadin, gather their dinosaurs
and Gracie's Barbies (when she's not looking), and other
plastic super heroes. These are planted in the water in
various positions of peril. Barbie is headfirst in the
pit, naked, her leg in the mouth of a T-Rex. Hercules and
Wolverine are poised with swords, waist deep in water,
battling to free her. Other less fortunate toys like
Woody and Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story, lie on the
gloomy bottom, succumbing to a watery doom.
All during the mud play, my children leave the door
wide open letting in cold air. I yell, "Shut the door!"
Or they shut it too tight so that three year old Tadin
has to pound on it woefully yelling, "Yumbody let me in!"
They stomp through the house to use the bathroom, to get
a snack, or to recount an exciting tale of what just
happened in the puddle.
I yell, "Wipe your feet when you come in!" And they
do - on the carpet. I find hunks of mud dropped in a path
so they can find their way back outside. When they come
in for a snack, they 'wash' their hands by running them
under cold water for a millisecond, leaving brown crud on
the handle, in the sink, and running in rivulets down
their arms. Hands are dried with a quick motion to the
upper thighs and they are ready for an orange or a
cookie. Most adults, unless they work at something that
dirties their hands, don't really need to wash their
hands before eating. We forget what it's like to have
dirty hands. After all, business people usually don't
squat on their haunches in a restaurant parking lot
making mud pies before lunch.
Our yard is spongy after a rain -- which doesn't
matter to my kids. They saturate every pair of shoes they
own, and then they want to go barefoot even though it's
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 23
only March. One of my children came in the house the
other day with enough mud between his toes to germinate
tulips.
When they come in for supper after eight hours of
this, they look like coal miners. They complain when I
want them to strip naked in the back hall and march
directly to the bathtub. They're tired and they want to
lie down on the couch and watch TV.
They have gotten in touch with their inner pig.
Maybe their outer pig too. I've got pits in the backyard
and a bathtub ring to prove it.
.......................................
Kim Korman Brown is a writer and a Mom,
living in Virginia Beach, Virginia
Email: kimbrown@futurerealm.com
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 24
The HeartThread Resource Guide
- Resources for Couples, Parents & Families -
...............................................
If you have any books, products, services, seminars,
or other helpful items that you would like us
to mention in this space, please email us at
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com".
Ad spaces are 23 character wide x 18 lines long.
Submissions should be formatted correctly and emailed.
This advertising space is FREE for a limited time.
Items do not have to fall within specific categories,
but we do reserve the right to selectively approve
any and all advertisements.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 26