The HeartThread Journal - October, 1996 Issue
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* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of
Marriage,
Parenting &
International Family Traditions -
----------------------------------
Vol. 1, No. 10
October 31, 1996
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Published by FutureRealm Productions
* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of Marriage, Parenting & International Family Traditions -
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Vol. 1, No. 10 October 31, 1996
"To promote and encourage the 'thread' of unselfish heart and love
that invisibly connects husbands and wives, parents and children,
and brothers and sisters."
------------------------------
From the Editor
...............
Well, dear readers, here is the October issue of the
HeartThread Journal (past the October 31st deadline by 12
days, but still in the same year!) :-)
I have to admit that the biggest job with this
journal is gathering articles. There are many couples and
parents out there having great experiences that they
could share with everyone -- but not everyone is in the
habit of writing about them. (Not even considering the
frantic schedule that many people live by, these days.)
I'd like to encourage all of you to write about your
experiences with marriage or parenting. Someday, we'll be
able to pay our writers -- but for now, all I can offer
is a free ad at the bottom of the journal. Your ad will
reach a steadily growing readership (well over 300!) The
Journal is here to stay.
I'm delighted that this issue contains a great
article about international marriage and parenting --
written by Tom Phillips from the Ukraine. It's longer
than our normal articles, but I didn't cut it because I
felt that it was truly informative.
I'd like to invite you all to visit our online
"HeartThread Discussion Forum", at futurerealm.com. You
can post questions or comments -- or answer questions or
comments yourselves. It's a public forum, and will
hopefully serve as an additional resource for everyone.
Finally, I'd like to remind everyone that we now
have a "web update" service via email. You can register
to receive an email notice each time the HeartThread
Resource Page is updated -- so you know when something
new has been posted. It's proving to be a great
convenience for many of our visitors. Just go to
http://futurerealm.com and follow the links.
Peter F. Brown
Editor & Publisher
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
* From the Editor, Peter F. Brown ......................1
* Parenting from the Experience of
a Multicultural Family,
by C. Thomas Phillips ................................5
* Protecting Your Children on the Internet,
by Lloyd Pumphrey ...................................11
* Trash and the Dawning of Consciousness,
by Claire Bowles ....................................13
* Leah, by Olga S. Hardman ............................16
* The Movie Mom's Guide to Movies
and Videos for Families, by Nell Minow ..............20
(Review of "Fly Away Home")
* HeartQuestions / Questions & Reflections
about Marriage, Parenting & Family Issues
"An Unruly 4 Year Old Nephew", by Peter F. Brown ....21
* Yub Makes Me Happy,
by Kim Korman Brown .................................24
* The HeartThread Resource Guide:
Resources for Couples, Parents & Families ...........27
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The HeartThread Journal Page 2
The HeartThread Journal
is published by FutureRealm Productions
Publisher and Editor - Peter F. Brown
Co-Publisher - Kim Korman Brown
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WRITERS ARE ALWAYS NEEDED
*************************
If you want to write for The HeartThread Journal,
we will be happy to review your article, column or story.
Please review our "Writers Guidelines" on our web page,
and email us your proposal or actual work.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 3
ADVERTISING INFORMATION
***********************
Advertising products or services of value or interest
to parents, couples or families is encouraged.
Brief textual advertisements will appear in the
"HeartThread Resource Guide" at the end of this journal.
For a limited time, advertisements will be FREE.
When this special advertising promotion ends,
advertising rates will be published.
FREE ADVERTISING FOR AUTHORS
****************************
All authors receive FREE advertising space in
the issue that their article or column appears.
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COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
*********************
All materials contained herein are
(C) Copyright 1996 by FutureRealm Productions
except for individual articles and columns,
which are Copyrighted by their respective authors.
Individual authors retain all rights to their articles,
unless otherwise specified.
All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
No part of this journal may be used or reproduced
in any manner whatsoever without
written permission from the publisher,
or the individual authors
(in the case of their articles or columns),
except in cases of brief quotations
embodied in articles and reviews.
Opinions expressed by writers in The HeartThread Journal
are not necessarily those of FutureRealm Productions.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
*********************
Readers wishing to submit a letter should email it to:
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com"
or send it by regular mail to the above address.
Letters may be edited for grammar or length.
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Parenting from the Experience of
a Multicultural Family
..................................
by C. Thomas Phillips
Although by all appearances my family of origin is
an average white American family of European background,
my grandparents on my mother's side were native
Americans. Raised with an awareness of my native American
background, I also became painfully aware of the lack of
harmony between the two races.
The discrimination which my grandfather experienced
had led him to deny his Indian background as ignoble and
pagan. This denial of his inheritance produced a silent
suffering which he was to bear throughout his life. On
one occasion he said to me, "Never marry outside of your
race, because it is the children who suffer. They will
have no place where they truly belong." However, later it
was my grandfather, a Christian minister, who was to
preside over our civil marriage, after coming to
appreciate the contribution which my Japanese wife
brought to our family. He interpreted our marriage as a
return to our family's native American background because
of the resemblance of Orientals to some native Americans.
The conflict between native American culture and
European culture remains unresolved. Native Americans had
to leave their culture behind on the reservation to join
the dominant culture. Part of my personal quest for
identity was to resolve this historical conflict which I
had inherited. International marriage appealed to me as a
logical solution or perhaps even my destiny.
Genuine Love Requires a Sacrifice
.................................
In order for multiracial or multicultural marriages
to be successful, couples should be prepared to sacrifice
previously held ideals or norms about the family. Usually
our model for parenting comes from experiences growing up
with our parents, which varies even within one culture.
However, especially when your spouse comes from a
different race or nationality, it is necessary to
recognize that the roles ascribed to husbands and wives,
fathers and mothers may differ drastically from culture
to culture.
My wife's father had indisputable authority in the
family, while my parents shared authority. In the
beginning of our family life I expected to discuss issues
with my wife to reach a common agreement. However, my
wife expected me to assume the role held by her father
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and to give clear direction. This difference in
understanding of our roles sometimes led to tensions in
our relationship or confusion. However, this dilemma
forced me to take more initiative and assume greater
responsibility, while stimulating my wife to be more
reflective and expressive about her own viewpoint and
feelings.
Genuine love often requires a sacrifice of
individual concerns or desires for the sake of the
happiness of significant others. One of the unique
sacrifices made in international marriages is often
language. Although Americans are very open about their
feelings and are accustomed to articulating themselves,
Japanese generally have a negative concept about people
who easily express themselves. In the Japanese culture,
feelings are often kept deep inside -- to the degree that
one can lose touch with his or her real feelings.
Feelings are often conveyed in Japanese very subtly by a
single word and sometimes silence conveys a whole volume
of thought. An international couple with different native
languages has to work out how to communicate, finding a
"common language" through which they can convey their
feelings, moods and concerns.
Also, in international marriages, spouses may have
differing childhood memories of national or religious
holidays. Therefore, it becomes necessary to decide which
traditions your multicultural family will transmit to
your children. Couples have to go through a process of
rethinking the values transmitted in various traditions
and then how they can be reapplied into their family
tradition.
Although some sacrifices are required, there is also
the rich possibility of realizing a higher level of love
as two opposite cultures meet in marriage. Our approach
to parenting has been to create a nurturing environment
for our children based on our efforts to harmonize the
two cultures represented in our marriage. We have sought
to understand and learn from one another, bringing out
the best aspects of our cultures as the foundation to
educate our children.
From the outset, we were challenged with how to
harmonize our different concepts about celebrating our
children's first birthdays. The first celebration, which
I had left totally to my wife's discretion, was an affair
with adults enjoying a very nice meal while the children
were left to play among themselves.
Her family celebrated their birthdays simply -- with
a special meal together and without any special gifts or
party. In my family, there was always a lot of ingenuity
involved in celebrating; one year a skating party, the
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next year at the beach, and so forth. My wife and I had
to discuss the benefits of having a special celebration
while at the same time teaching our children to
appreciate simple and intimate gatherings as a family.
Another experience that we have crossed over in our
family is how to recognize Christmas. For many Americans,
Christmas brings special memories and feelings. My wife
had celebrated it in Japan with a cake and the exchange
of cards among a few friends. We were undecided if we
should introduce gift giving at Christmas into our family
tradition, due to the excessive commercial emphasis.
However, upon recounting the story of the Magi offering
gifts to Christ as the inspiration for gift-giving at
Christmas, we could appreciate the original motivation
for the tradition. Then, by using gift-giving as an
opportunity to teach our children the value of giving
rather than anticipating and expecting what would be
given to them, we could give them moral guidance and
share the Christmas story.
We have never studied parenting or even formally
discussed our different approaches to parenting. However,
we are in agreement that parenting has a great deal to do
with the quality of our relationship as husband and wife.
In order to guide our children to be mature, loving and
interdependent people, we are striving to live a
principle centered life which can inspire our children.
We recognize that our limitations will influence our
children's spiritual and moral development. Therefore, as
parents, we feel that we should be continuously seeking
our own spiritual growth.
Today there is much talk about returning to
traditional family values -- as though there is some
ideal state which the family has enjoyed in the past.
However, evidence from anthropologists and sociologists
point to the fact that families have been evolving
throughout history. This evolution comes in part as a
response to balance the needs of the family within the
social environment.
Therefore, families in different cultures have
responded in different ways to the needs for independence
and interdependence of family members. Family members are
interdependent upon one another for material and
spiritual needs; however, each family member also seeks
some degree of independence to be well-adjusted
emotionally and spiritually within the social
environment.
David Ausburger, a Mennonite professor of pastoral
counseling, has examined different family types in
different cultures and has identified paradoxical needs
found in all families; such as the need for
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interdependence and independence, the need for horizontal
relationships and vertical relationships, the need for
love and justice, and the needs of inner directed
security and outer directed service to the community.*
Families are challenged to find some balance between the
poles of these paradoxes. This structure will serve as
the format for describing the process our family is
encountering in our effort to create balance and harmony
between American and Japanese cultures.
Interdependence / Independence
..............................
In my wife's family of origin each family member had
a responsibility and a destiny relative to their position
in the family. There were very clear expectations for
each of the family members based on their order of birth.
In my family of origin each member of the family was
a highly differentiated individual. Both my mother and
father were wage earners; therefore, both shared
household responsibilities and came to decisions as equal
partners. However, the high degree of differentiation
within our family made it difficult at times to come
together as a family.
Because we have experienced the strengths and
weaknesses of both families with highly interdependent
relations and highly independent lifestyles, my wife and
I consciously seek the qualities lacking in our family
backgrounds. We have tried to create a sense of the
special responsibility that each person has towards the
family while trying to create an atmosphere where
spontaneity allows us to respond to the needs of our
children as individuals. We want our children to be
interdependent, to find a balance between developing
their own unique abilities and characteristics and
maintaining a sense of duty toward other members of the
family.
Horizontal / Vertical
.....................
In my wife's family there was a very strong sense of
vertical order which was more important than horizontal
relationships. The primary relationship was between the
parents and children. In her home, after a certain age,
her mother slept with her and her sister, and her father
slept with her four brothers. This vertical order
extended into a strong awareness of their ancestors,
going back many generations, and an awareness of
responsibility to future generations. However, in the
Japanese family the relationships and obligations between
children and parents are often emphasized more than the
relationships and obligations between the parents. This
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creates some confusion about the value of the husband and
wife relationship beyond child bearing.
In my own family experience, like most American
families, horizontal relationships were more emphasized.
The primary relationship of American families is the
relationship between the parents. The parent/child
relationship is more secondary. The parents are not
viewed with the respect given in Oriental societies and
usually seek a relationship more like an elder friend.
Also, my family had little awareness about our ancestors
except for our American Indian ancestors, and only a
vague sense of responsibility to future descendants.
We have felt the importance of our relationship as
parents as the root of love in our family. But also our
relationship with our children is very important. We have
often felt that our children's inability to love or
overcome certain situations is directly related to our
own problems. It is as though the vertical relationship
between parents and children determines the quality of
their horizontal love among each other. We have enjoyed
adding into our family tradition aspects of my wife's
family experience such as sleeping together with our
children. At the same time we try to demonstrate to our
children our loving relationship as a couple. We teach
our children to respect their parents by the respect we
show to one another, while not becoming so distant that
they cannot share their feelings easily with us. Also,
the vertical aspect of awareness of the presence of our
ancestors and our responsibility to future generations
has given an added sense of meaning and purpose to our
family life.
Love / Justice
..............
Unconditional love is an important aspect of true
love; however, the wholeness of the family must be
maintained by a sense of fairness and justice. My wife's
experience in family life was affected by being one of
six children. My wife has a strong expectation that
children should observe principles of conduct and
behavior in respect to their position in the family.
My parents expressed love and unconditional
acceptance of their children regardless of performance.
We were given a great deal of trust and freedom, while
discipline was usually only given when things seemed to
be getting out of control. This may also be the result of
coming from a family with only two children.
While children need to feel unconditional love from
their parents, without learning order and justice in the
family children cannot become responsible members of
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society and learn to control their own desires at times
for the sake of the whole. In this area I have gained
much from my wife's approach to be more strict and
demanding of our children when they are young, and then
gradually giving them greater freedom and responsibility
as they grow older. Discipline can also be an expression
of true love, sometimes giving children a greater sense
of their parents' love than a more compromising love.
Inner Directed Security / Outer Directed Service
................................................
Sometimes parenting and public life are seen as
conflicting poles of family life. Traditionally, fathers
have taken the role of public service and mothers the
role of parenting. Families inwardly are directed to
guarantee the protection of the individuals within the
family, while also serving the larger society.
The greatest joy for our children is seeing their
parents lovingly relating to one another. This gives them
a great sense of security and value. However, we
recognize something is always lacking in our ability to
give to each child according to their needs. Therefore,
in our family we have also emphasized the need for
serving others outside of our immediate family. We have
tried to give our children a sense of pride that their
parents are also living for a purpose greater than their
own family. They then feel proud when they are asked to
make a sacrifice as a family -- such as when our service
requires us to be away from one another. As we reach out
in service to society, we bring back to the family a
deeper love and appreciation for one another. Others are
then drawn into our family -- giving to our children in
areas where we are lacking.
Conclusion
..........
As a multicultural couple we have sought to bridge
our cultures through our relationship of love. Centered
upon principles of true love we have sought to establish
a family nourished by the best of both cultures. We want
our children to become global citizens and world leaders
who can usher in an era of peace and harmony among people
of all cultures and races.
I admire those who have developed techniques to
control the behavior of their children and to
systematically guide them. However, rather than relying
on external techniques, we have approached the problem
primarily as an internal problem. As parents, we have
sought first to be people of integrity who are always
following our conscience, and then are faithful to one
another in marriage. We then try to teach our children to
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demonstrate filial piety in response to our love for
them. The results of our efforts will be measured by our
ability to raise children who are mature individuals and
responsible citizens of society.
Our family is truly our school of love. Not only are
we teachers for our children, but at times our children
become our teachers. Our family endeavors to uplift the
multi-cultural family and children of mixed races. We
also hope to demonstrate that no matter how great the
differences are between a husband and wife, by practicing
true love the sharp edges delineating those differences
can be softened. If children can witness the loving
relationship of their parents, they will be better
equipped to embrace others, however different they might
be.
Having our children ask which is better -- Japanese
culture or American culture -- is like asking whether
their mother or father is better. During a small
disagreement between my wife and myself, our daughter
turned to us and said, "I know the answer... you are both
right!" The multicultural family can serve as an example
and a model for the realization of world peace by raising
children who equipped to build a better world -- where
people can respect and gain from others who are
different.
* David W. Augsburger. Pastoral Counseling Across
Cultures. Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1986
....................................................
C. Thomas Phillips is the President of the
Family Federation for World Peace in the CIS/Baltics
and the Executive Director of the International Relief
and Friendship Foundation in Russia/Ukraine
Email: tp@glas.apc.org
* * * * * * * *
Protecting Your Children on the Internet
..........................................
by Lloyd Pumphrey
If you are reading this then you are on the Internet
and the chances are, you have children. One of the
biggest concerns about having access to the internet is
the access to pornography.
Here are some tips on protecting your children from
web pages that you do not want them to view.
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1. One of the best monitoring methods is simple: be
aware of what your children are doing. You should be able
to walk in on them at any given time without them
reacting with guilt or hiding something. Put your
computer in a public place such as a den or living room
where there are no closed doors. It is a deterrent to
children to get into something they shouldn't if they can
be accidently discovered.
2. If you can't monitor them, there are ways of
checking on what they have been viewing after they have
logged off the Internet. Most browsers have a "cache"
where they keep the images and web pages on your hard
drive, so that you don't have to download a page of
information every time you go to it. There is usually a
directory named "cache" under your browser's directory.
If you look in this directory, it can contain
hundreds of smaller files depending on how often your
browser deletes them. Usually, the browser will purge
files from the directory that are over a certain number
of days old. You can set this in your browser's options.
The extensions on these files are mostly HTM, JPG, or
GIF. HTM are text files and are what appears as text in
your browser. If you look at these files with your
browser, they will pretty much come up as a web page
without the pictures. The JPG and GIF files are pictures
-- you can also view these with your browser.
It is very incriminating to bring your child in and
confront him (or her) with a page or picture he (or she)
was not supposed to view on the computer. Most children
will not know that you can do this, and the knowledge
that you can will be a deterrent. As a suggestion, don't
let them know about this unless it is necessary, or else
they will find ways to get around it.
3. If you are concerned about your children
accidently accessing a page, then there are some other
options. First of all, most OVER 18 or OVER 21 sites have
a warning page before the actual site, to cover
themselves legally. You have to electronically "sign"
stating that you are not a minor. Usually, they have
other clauses in there to protect themselves. Of course,
they have no way of verifying the user except through a
verification service, and a lot of sites don't use those
services.
4. One way of protecting your children is through
special software that either acts as a plugin or browser.
These watch for key words that are associated with
pornography and will not allow access to them. For
example, if it is set up to reject the word "SEX" then
your children will not be allowed to use that as a search
word. This software can be found over the Internet or in
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The HeartThread Journal Page 12
computer stores. Some examples are SURF WATCH, NET NANNY,
or CYBER PATROL. Of course, the best way of monitoring
them is the first option I listed.
5. Another good way of helping your children net
surf is by giving them kids' options. There are literally
thousands of kid-oriented web pages and services. Take
time to review these with you children. I downloaded a
wonderful computer program for my 2 year old daughter
from one such site. You can find everything from games to
stories. Many sites such as search engines or business
sights will have kid's pages or links. Another site that
I found had Japanese stories in both English and
Japanese.
The WWW can be a wonderful place for information,
entertainment and education if it is used properly. All
it takes is a little bit of effort.
[Editor's Note: I'm even more radical than Lloyd. I
think that the Internet is absolutely not child safe, and
that the best method of protecting our children is to not
let them surf alone at all. There are just too many ways
that they can run across questionable material on their
own. Still, Lloyd offers an array of options that may be
helpful to parents.]
................................
Lloyd Pumphrey is a parent
and a writer, living in Oregon.
Email: pumphrey@main.rosenet.net
* * * * * * * *
Trash and the Dawning of Consciousness
........................................
by Claire Bowles
Since the 1920's, and until now, people have studied
to find out just when the dawning of consciousness occurs
in babies.
It is not known why, but the research is conclusive
that the much-pondered "dawning of consciousness" is
inextricably tied to the family trash.
There is a distinct period of time during which the
actual "dawning" is taking place. The period of time is
about six months in length, and the level of
consciousness that the baby has attained is measured in
part by the baby's determination to reach said family
trash. There are five levels of consciousness which I
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The HeartThread Journal Page 13
list below so you may see just how conscious your baby
is. Please don't worry if your baby doesn't seem too
conscious yet ... all babies DO become conscious sooner
or later. And look at it this way: the later your baby
becomes conscious, the longer your house will be clean.
Level one: Early Dawning. At this stage, your baby
will first catch sight of the family trash, usually kept
in the kitchen. Further studies are being made as to
whether dawning is connected to the contents of the
kitchen trash as opposed to the office trash, for
instance. Some people believe that coffee grounds have a
role, but that's inconclusive. At any rate, it is usually
the kitchen trash that catches the eye of the Early
Dawning infant. Many times the parent does not notice the
child in her arms leaning in the direction of the trash.
If you do notice this leaning, take a look at your
baby's eyes. In the Early Dawning infant there will be a
gleam of what could be called delight. Quite often, if
the baby is four or five months old and is sitting in a
walker, he may take a step or two in the direction of
your garbage. In advanced infants, they may even reach
the trash and try to touch it during the Early Dawning
period. The difference between this period and the second
period (Intermediate Dawning), is that the baby CAN be
removed from the trash area and distracted with a toy or
the family cat, etc.
Level Two: Intermediate Dawning. During this period,
the baby, when left on its own, will ALWAYS go in the
direction of the trash. He will not become upset when you
remove him (docility is part of the preconscious state
from which he is dawning) and he will not complain, but
he will automatically turn again in the direction of the
trash and will try to go in that direction if there are
no barriers preventing him.
The consciousness he has attained in Level One gives
him increased mobility so that he can more easily and
accurately reach the trash. During this period, if the
baby reaches a barrier, he will stand gazing at the trash
that is no longer within his reach. If you pick him up to
remove him from the area, his head will turn and his gaze
will remain focused on the trash until the trash is out
of his line of vision. If you don't remove your baby from
the trash he will tentatively reach for and touch the
trash. Usually this is accompanied by a radiant smile.
Actually touching the trash seems to be necessary to
complete Level Two and go on to Level Three.
Level Three: Acute Dawning. At this level the infant
is focused on the trash with an increasing intensity. He
will reach the trash despite barriers. His increased
consciousness teaches him many ways of reaching his goal.
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When moved away from the desired area, he will crawl
between your legs, around the barriers you put up, and
may even crawl over something which you put in his way.
He may hurt himself trying to reach the trash.
If removed and prevented from accomplishing his
desire, he will cry. If left alone, he will reach the
trash, pull himself up to stand by the trash basket and
grab handfuls of anything he can reach. We haven't found
that there is a particular thing that babies like the
best in the trash. They seem to love everything in the
basket equally. Some researchers say that the more
advanced baby seems attracted to the older items in the
trash.
This level always includes eating the trash. It has
not been determined, but there may be substances in the
trash necessary for the baby's general health. Many times
the baby will pull out an amount of trash, then sit down
and play with it. This "play" includes the aforesaid
eating, spreading particles and substances of mixed
origin on his body, (usually the head area), and carrying
some large bits of the trash around with him. If the baby
is in a walker, these bits can be carried on the walker
tray or in his hand, but most babies prefer to carry
these bits of trash in their mouths.
Level Four: The Dawning Peak. During this period the
baby will be drawn toward any trash in the house. He
seems to be interested in little else. Trash becomes his
main goal in life. Most mothers, have, by this time,
found a way to secure the kitchen trash in such a way
that the baby cannot reach it, usually on the kitchen
table or the counter beside the stove. There is the
possibility that whatever substance it is that babies
need (trace minerals, perhaps) which the trash contains,
is also needed by adults and that this is nature's way of
making sure that we get some, too.
You will no longer see a look of overwhelming joy on
the face of your baby while engaging in trash "play".
This will be replaced by a look of serious and deep
concentration. This level is marked by such a fixation
with trash that many parents try putting their daily
trash in the child's toy box and putting toys in the
trash baskets. This works only until the baby realizes
the consistency change (probably because nothing comes
off into his mouth which he can carry around).
Level Five: Post Dawning. This is an assimilation
period during which the baby will seemingly lose his
interest in trash, pretending interest in books on
shelves, newspapers, magazines, etc. However, their newly
attained consciousness has given them insight into their
parents' thoughts to some degree, and they know that if
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 15
they are no longer interested in the kitchen trash, you
will take it off the kitchen table and put it back on the
floor. If left unattended, the baby will carefully go
back to the trash and engage in trash "play" as long he
can, even occasionally looking to see if you notice him.
If you speak to the baby he will squeal and sometimes
"talk" to you too, proving that consciousness has dawned
in your baby, exhibiting itself in producing and
understanding speech.
You can test your baby by waiting for a time when
you see him carrying a bit of trash in his mouth. Say to
your baby, "What have you got in your mouth, young man
(or lady)?" If the baby turns around and starts to run
away from you, he has definitely reached consciousness
and his interest in trash will soon be waning ... usually
by the end of the fourth grade.
...........................................
Claire Bowles and her husband John
live in Oklahoma with their four children.
She is a freelance writer and a gardener.
* * * * * * * *
Leah
......
by Olga S. Hardman
Because I want you to know her as I did, let me tell
you about Leah. She was my mother and the most valued
gift I have ever been given.
Leah was heavy, about 210 or 220 pounds. There were
times when I was ashamed of her weight and even of her
misuse of the English language. Since she had only gone
to the eighth grade, not uncommon for girls in 1909, she
sometimes mixed up tenses and often confused the number
of subject and verb. Isn't it interesting that I can be
critical of one who had the command of 2 languages,
French, as well as English, when I can only use one
myself?
I hated those old grandmother shoes she always wore.
They were always black, laced-up oxfords, with 1 1/2 inch
heels, like the shoes old-fashioned nuns used to wear. I
can still smell the leather as I did when I went to
retrieve them for her from one floor of the house or the
other.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 16
I was always proud of the fact that my mother was an
excellent cook. Everyone who visited our house always
gravitated to Leah's kitchen where she might be baking
bread, making galettes, soaking a rabbit in wine for
tomorrow's dinner, or baking French tarts.
My mother really enjoyed life. She loved to dance
and laugh. After she came back from Puerto Rico where she
visited Mary Anne, her grand-niece whom she adored, she
told me how much she loved Puerto Rico. She loved it
mostly because the people were happy, singing, laughing
and gregarious.
Despite her weight, Leah was light on her feet.
Since my father did not dance, I never saw my parents
dance together. One day, though, in the middle of our
kitchen floor, I saw a gentleman friend who was visiting
us grab my mother and swing her around the kitchen floor.
That day I experienced my first real confrontation with
jealousy. I was absolutely devastated to see another
man's arms around my mother. I cried bitterly.
Around the house, my mother always wore cotton print
house dresses with a large apron covering the front.
Sometimes she made those aprons from feed sacks. It was
common for animal feed to come in large printed cotton
sacks which were suitable for fashioning into useful
items like dresses, skirts, aprons, tea towels, etc.
Since my father kept a coop full of chickens for eggs and
meat for the table, we sometimes had available sacks for
sewing.
Every day at 2:00 p.m., Leah went upstairs to have
her bath and put on a clean house dress and apron before
my father returned from work. On some afternoons, she and
her neighborhood friends, Mary Moine, Lucy Deems, and
Rosie Malfregeot, had "tea parties" at each others homes.
We all knew that at the tea parties the beverage of
choice would be freshly-brewed hot coffee with good fresh
cream and some kind of French tart or cookie. On very
special occasions, especially later in their lives, the
"girl friends" might even have a little glass of wine,
usually Mogan David, with their treats.
Later in the day, when Leah started dinner, the
cooking odors of onions, garlic, thyme and bayleaf as
they permeated beef and veal stews, meat loaf, beef
roast, pork and lamb chops, roast pork and even venison
sometimes, were almost more than I could bear. I would
get so hungry it was hard to wait until dinner was ready.
But my sister and I were never allowed to sit down
to dinner until my father came to the table. He always
responded promptly to the call, but it always seemed an
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 17
eternity to me. My mother taught us respect for our
father in many subtle ways.
Leah was often the neighborhood nurse. The story is
told of her that during the "big flu epidemic of 1918"
she was the only one who never contracted the flu,
despite the fact that she cared for all the flu victims
in the neighborhood. It seems she wore a large clove of
garlic on a string around her neck and was convinced that
that had saved her from the fate of her friends and
neighbors. Probably the garlic around her neck did
nothing to protect her, but her belief in its efficacy
might have.
She was still caring for the sick and bereaved 40
years later: she was the one who sat with Mrs. Morris,
the neighbor across the street, as she lay dying in her
bed; she bathed the new Leuliette baby for six weeks
because his mother was too nervous to do so; she went to
Rosie Malfregeot's house every day to feed and bathe her
during her last illness; she made pots and pots of all
kinds of soups for people who had a particular liking for
a certain kind; and she even lanced a boil after creating
a vacuum in a coke bottle and applying it to the cheek of
my youngest son. It was she who baby sat with the little
retarded girl down the street when her mother could get
no one else to sit with her. In fact, Laurie Ann and Leah
had become quite good friends by the time Laurie had to
be institutionalized.
Although she was not overtly religious, my mother
was intensely spiritual and compassionate. She was not
baptized into the Christian faith until she was 35 years
old. This was not because her parents were irreligious,
but rather because the rest of her baptized siblings had
been born in France where priests and Catholic churches
were plentiful and she was born in Arnold, Pennsylvania
where there were no Catholic churches at the time. The
family's move to Clarksburg, WV made access to Catholic
clergy even more remote. So it was that my mother was not
baptized until 1936, at St. James Church in Clarksburg.
It was just after her baptism that my mother and father
were married in a sacramental marriage in the church. My
sister and I served as witnesses to my parents official
marriage. I remember well that we were on our way to the
grocery store and we stopped off at the church on our
way, to get our parents properly married "in the church."
I believe my mother must have been innately
spiritual because she taught me many prayers of praise
and thanks years before she herself was baptized and
began to officially practice her faith. As I pull up the
bed covers on a cold, snowy night, I can still hear my
mother say, as she tucked me into my warm bed, "Oh,
honey, aren't we fortunate to have a nice warm house to
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 18
live in." To this day, I think of those who are cold
every time I turn up the furnace or pull up the
bedclothes. Leah's attitude was truly one of gratitude.
While I was still a pre-school child in the early
30's, many people were still suffering from the "great
depression." Many times, I watched through the screen
door as my mother served food to a poor beggar and
sometimes his children as well. There were always
sandwiches and cold drinks. Never did I hear my mother
refuse a request for food or drink. I never saw her give
money, but she always gave an ample quantity of delicious
food and drink. As a matter of fact, her now grown-up
paper boy told me just the other day how much he loved my
mother. It seems that when he delivered the paper on hot
summer afternoons, she always sat him down in a chair on
the porch and served him a glass of iced tea or lemonade.
Isn't life filled with irony? Just imagine how I
felt when my mother's hefty 220 pound frame shrank to
less than 80 pounds as she lay dying from pancreatic
cancer. She was an early experimental patient for
hyper-alimentation. She had been unable to eat or drink
anything for 5 months before her death. But by allowing
scientific experimentation with her ailing body, she
helped to make "hyper-al" commonplace. Leah continues to
"feed the hungry."
It is 21 years after Leah's death and my youngest
son called me from 2000 miles away and said, "Boy, Mom, I
sure miss grandma, don't you?"
"Indeed I do, son. The memory of her and all I
learned from her are among my greatest treasures."
.........................................
Olga S. Hardman is a writer and a retired
music supervisor for the largest school system
in Central West Virginia. She currently operates
her own music studio for a select group of
piano, voice and solfege students.
Email: fsa00180@mail.wvnet.edu
* * * * * * * *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 19
The Movie Mom's Guide to
Family Movies and Videos
..........................
by Nell Minow
Reviews for parents of the best of current films and
old movies available on video and cable, by Nell Minow,
author, film critic, and mother. Reviews will be updated
each week with recommendations and replies to questions
about movies on special topics, suitability of particular
movies for children, and movie trivia--try to stump me!
I'd also love your suggestions for a new book on movies
for families. The best kids' comments I receive will be
published. The Movie Mom (TM)
RECOMMENDED
***********
Fly Away Home
.............
"Fly Away Home" - Carroll Ballard (1996) PG, 8 and up
Amy, a 13-year-old girl from New Zealand (Anna
Paquin), wakes up in a hospital bed after an automobile
accident to see her father, Tom (Jeff Daniels), whom she
barely knows. Her mother was killed in the crash, and she
must go back with him to his remote farm in Canada. He is
an eccentric sculptor and inventor, preoccupied with his
work and unsure of how to try to comfort her. Amy does
not want to be comforted, and wanders silently through
the marshes.
When developers illegally mowing down the marsh kill
a goose, Amy finds the eggs she left behind, and begins
to resolve her loss by mothering the goslings. Since she
is the first thing they see when they hatch, they
"imprint" her, and think of her as their mother,
following her everywhere, even into the shower. The local
authorities insist that their wings be clipped, since
without their mother they cannot learn to migrate, and
will cause problems for the community when they try to
fly. But Amy and her father will not allow the geese to
be impaired.
Tom devises a way for Amy to play the role of
"Mother Goose" in teaching the geese to migrate, by
learning to fly herself, in an ultralight plane, and
leading them south. With Tom's brother (Terry Kinney) and
girlfriend (Dana Delany), they plot a course to a wetland
preserve that is scheduled to be developed unless geese
arrive by November 1. As they work together, Amy finds a
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 20
way to begin to heal her loss of her mother and her
relationship with Tom.
This is a thrilling adventure, exquisitely told, by
the same director and photographer who made "The Black
Stallion". Ballard has the patience to let the story tell
itself, and the quiet moments are breathtakingly
beautiful and heartbreakingly touching. PARENTAL NOTE:
There is one profanity in the movie, demanded by the
studio, who insisted that the movie must have a PG rating
so that it would not scare off school-age kids. Of more
concern to many parents will be the nose ring Tom allows
Amy to have.
...............................................
The Movie Mom's Guide is on the web at:
http://pages.prodigy.com/moviemom/moviemom.html
"Movie Mom" is a trademark of Nell Minow
All material (C) 1996 Nell Minow
Email: nellm@aol.com
* * * * * * * *
- HeartQuestions -
Questions & Reflections about
Marriage, Parenting & Family Issues
-------------------------------------
An Unruly 4 Year Old Nephew
.............................
by Peter F. Brown
DEAR PETER:
I have a concern about my 4 year old nephew which
also has created problems with my son whenever we all get
together as a family. I have a 2 year old, my brother
with the 4 year old also has a 2 year old boy and my
other brother has a 3 year old girl. Of course I would
expect some confusion when you get four little ones
together all at the same time but it is really wild when
we get together.
My 4 year old nephew is out of control a lot of the
time, jumping on furniture, throwing things, screaming at
the top of his lungs. My 2 year old will imitate him, at
times, and when I discipline my child, the 4 year old's
mother will make a comment about how unruly my son is. I
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 21
haven't said anything to her because I don't know what to
say. On one hand, yes my son has done something that I
don't approve of, but on the other hand he is imitating
her son who of course was allowed the same behavior. All
of this is compounded by my very strong feeling that my
nephew has some sort of disability which is being
ignored. These are the signs that I have been observing:
1. I can't carry on a conversation with him. I get
down to eye level and try to talk to him about something
that he is playing with or some interest that one of his
parents has mentioned. I can sometimes get him to respond
with a comment but he does not converse with me. At times
he will frantically rub his face with his hands and just
repeat something that I have said over and over.
2. I can't get eye contact with him -- however I'm
not sure, but I think I see him looking directly in the
eyes of his cousins, sometimes.
3. He is very smart, which should not be a concern,
but this is a child who can't (or won't?) answer a simple
question, but who can spell "xylophone".
I don't know what to do about this, it is getting to
the point where I dread getting together with the family
and I feel guilty about the fact that I see the problem
as being my nephew who I do love very much and am very
concerned about. Am I over reacting, do you think that
his behaviors are within the range of what is considered
normal and things will even out eventually, or what? I
haven't said anything to his parents, his mom is always
telling everyone how wonderful he is and compares him to
the neighbors' children and the children in his nursery
school. His dad has been known to get embarrassed about
his behavior to the point of losing his cool, I get the
feeling he thinks his children should be perfect. I could
use some good advise. Thanks!
Denise
DEAR DENISE:
It seems that you have two issues to contend with:
how to help your four year old nephew and how to deal
with your nephew's influence on your son.
I'm not a medical professional or a psychiatrist, so
I can't give you that level of professional advice about
your nephew. If he really does have a serious disability
then of course his parents should seek professional help.
On the other hand, I tend to react strongly when I hear
more and more parents stating that their children's
errant behavior is because of a disability or something
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 22
like Attention Deficit Disorder. I personally believe
that parents need to think twice about this, and consider
instead that the best medicines for their children are
strong doses of unconditional parental love and very
clear training about unselfish and loving behavior. I
refer you to a movie and book called "Son-Rise", a true
story by Barry Kaufman about his autistic son who was
cured by his parents' love.
Giving a child enough love so that he feels secure
goes all the way back to fundamental issues such as the
mother breastfeeding the child, and having the child
sleep next to the mother when he's young (NOT in a crib
in a dark room down the hall with the door shut.) It also
means having both the father and the mother hold and hug
the child thousands of times as he's growing up, kissing
him on the cheek every day, and looking deep into the
child's eyes with warm and steady love emanating from the
parents' eyes. It means telling the child, "I love you",
and meaning every word of it.
It also means that the husband and wife need to love
each other, so that they provide a peaceful and secure
home for the child. I know a number of children who's
parents don't get along. Those children seem to be more
and more erratic and hyper (i.e. "disturbed") the more
that their parents fight and squabble.
Other issues that can profoundly influence the child
in a detrimental way are whether or not the child spends
all his time in day care centers (studies are showing
that such children don't grow very well) and whether or
not the child's school experience is positive or negative
(because of peers or the school system itself.)
Finally, I think parents often don't pay enough
attention to a vital ingredient in their child's
upbringing. Children need to be taught how to love others
and need to be taught about behaving in a kind,
honorable, truthful and unselfish manner. If we don't
teach them, where will they learn? It gets progressively
worse as the years pass, so that finally, we've got an
adult who doesn't care about others, and acts as he
wishes. Teaching a child to become a loving person
requires the elements of experience, example, concept and
practice. How well are your nephew's parents doing in
that regard? Are they admitting that they may need to
improve? Before I took my child to a psychiatrist, I'd do
some serious self examination on this point. And frankly,
don't we all need to improve? I know that I do.
About your nephew's influence on your son... that's
a tough one, because you're dealing with family.
Otherwise you might just decide to not have your son play
with the other child. Because it's your family, I would
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 23
consider being honest -- because if families aren't
honest, what are we left with? Perhaps you can talk with
your nephew's parents about these topics. (Remember that
it's extremely important to be very diplomatic.) I wish
you all the best in this difficult situation!
........................................................
Peter F. Brown is the author of the book,
"Striving for Parental Love" and lives in
Virginia Beach, VA with his wife Kim and their
four children, Tymon, Thea Grace, Ranin and Tadin
HeartQuestions is published as a weekly column on
The HeartThread Resource Page at:
"http://futurerealm.com"
Email: peterbrown@futurerealm.com
* * * * * * * *
Yub Makes Me Happy
....................
by Kim Korman Brown
One day when I came home from an afternoon of doing
errands, my husband greeted me with the news that our
son, Tadin, had learned a new sentence. Tadin just turned
three in October, but didn't really start speaking until
six months ago. He's going full throttle now, talking and
singing about everything constantly. He looks in the
mirror and says, "Dat me? Dat me aw day?" (Is that me all
day?)
When his diaper needs changing he comes to me and
says, "I dot one boop." (I got one poop.) (Which, of
course, is better than having many.)
He trots up to Peter or me and asks, "What are you
do-ning, Mommy? Where are you go-ning, Daddy?"
Sometimes I think I don't want my kids to learn to
speak properly (now don't jump on me, all you diction
coaches and anti-babytalk people!) because they sound so
cute mispronouncing everything. When I tickle a toddler
and he squeals, "Top it! Top it!", I can't top myself.
The new sentence he learned is a great one. Tadin
smiled up at me and said, "Yub -- make -- me -- happy!" I
gave Peter a quizzical look and asked him what he said.
Tymon blurted out, "He said, love makes me happy!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 24
How sweet! Peter said that Tadin came in the office
for a hug and a kiss and Peter asked him, "Do you like
true love?"
Tadin said, "Yes."
Peter said, "Why?"
Tadin said, "I dunno."
Peter said, "You like true love because it makes you
happy. Say: "Love makes me happy.""
"Yub -- make -- me-- happy!"
Now he's really getting into giving that response.
We ask him everyday if he likes true love and he stumbles
midway into the sentence: "MAKE? ME? HAPPY?" (Kind of a
cross between Alfred E. Neuman's, "What, me worry?", and
Clint Eastwood's "Make my day.") It warms the heart.
During Tadin's recent, third birthday party, he was
truly thrilled. His consciousness grasped all the fuss
being made over him. He beamed at our family, saying,
"You dot me a gake and a doy?" (You got me a cake and a
toy?") He also learned the song, "Happy Birthday to You".
Now he sings it spontaneously as we're driving somewhere,
or as he is playing with toys. His version goes:
"Happy Buttday tew yew, Happy Buttday tew yew, Happy
Buttday to Mommy, Happy Buttday tew yew..."
Peter and I prompt him, "It's birth day, honey. Say,
BIRTH day."
"Buttday."
"Well, he'll get it one of these days," Peter says,
reassuring me.
We rented the movie, "The Three Ninjas", which
features three little boys who call themselves by the
nicknames, Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum. Tadin, Ranin and
Tymon became enamored with this movie, and started
calling themselves by the Ninja's nicknames. Tadin began
announcing, "I Dum Dum!"
"You mean, Tum Tum!"
"Yeah. I Dum Dum!"
"He'll get it one of these days."
Our kids take baths two at a time usually (we have
four.) We were taking stock of the troops a few nights
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 25
ago and Peter hollered, "Tymon, are you in the bathtub?"
Then we heard Tadin's little voice hollering back,
"We am, Daddy, we am!"
I wanted to run in there and squeeze his chubby
cheeks. How could anyone live without being around
children? How can anyone live with children and not melt
a hundred times a day from all the adorable things they
do? It reminds me of a Chinese love poem I once read
called, "A Small Girl". The line which stands out in my
mind most, reads:
"She walks so nicely, she makes people die of love."
Which in essence, is a lot like: "Love makes me
happy."
.......................................
Kim Korman Brown is a writer and a Mom,
living in Virginia Beach, Virginia
Email: kimbrown@futurerealm.com
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 26
The HeartThread Resource Guide
- Resources for Couples, Parents & Families -
...............................................
If you have any books, products, services, seminars,
or other helpful items that you would like us
to mention in this space, please email us at
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com".
Ad spaces are 23 character wide x 18 lines long.
Submissions should be formatted correctly and emailed.
This advertising space is FREE for a limited time.
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but we do reserve the right to selectively approve
any and all advertisements.
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| (VA res. add .045% tax) | (757) 468-6848 or visit | Sell anywhere in the |
| Send US Bank Check or | our web site at: | world if they speak Eng.|
| Money Order to: | "http://futurerealm.com"| & have an email address.|
| FutureRealm Productions | or email us at: | Email "peterbrown@ |
| P.O. Box 4131, Virginia | "peterbrown@ | futurerealm.com for more|
| Beach, VA 23454 / USA | futurerealm.com" | info. Make Money Now!!! |
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The HeartThread Journal Page 28