The HeartThread Journal - September, 1996 Issue
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* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of
Marriage,
Parenting &
International Family Traditions -
----------------------------------
Vol. 1, Nos. 7, 8 & 9
September 15, 1996
(Includes July & August, 1996)
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Published by FutureRealm Productions
* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of Marriage, Parenting & International Family Traditions -
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Vol. 1, Nos. 7, 8 & 9 September 15, 1996
"To promote and encourage the 'thread' of unselfish heart and love
that invisibly connects husbands and wives, parents and children,
and brothers and sisters."
------------------------------
From the Editor
...............
The summer that was never hot (at least in Virginia)
has come and gone... and with it the phantom issues of
the HTJ for July and August. After many delays, I finally
threw up my hands and said, "Let's bring out September's
issue as a "July-August-September issue", rather than
trying to actually catch up. We apologize for the delay.
For those of you who are saying to yourselves, "Aha!
I knew he was at the beach!" ... I have to admit that we
did drive the full ten minutes to the beach numerous
times ... but the real reason we got behind was the
sometimes overwhelming task of juggling life. We do
sincerely hope that we won't have any more gaps in the
publication dates of the HTJ or our weekly columns.
We've also upgraded our web page rather
significantly, for those of you who haven't checked it
out recently. Hop over to "http://futurerealm.com" and
check out the links for our new, and exciting
"HeartThread Public Forum". It's a public discussion
forum focused on issues of marriage, parenting and
family. You can ask questions there that can be answered
by anyone that stops by. Or, you can answer a few
questions yourself. We just started it, so there aren't a
lot of questions yet -- so add yours!
And ... we've started a new, affiliated web site at
"http://worldcommunity.com". It's focused on hosting
community service groups (and others, too.) If you'd like
to sell some of our VERY inexpensive sites, we'll give
you a $20 commission and a $5 monthly residual for each!
You can sell them anywhere in the world, as long as the
customer speaks English and has an email account for tech
support. If you're interested, check out our page, and
then email me! (I couldn't resist this little plug.) :-)
We hope that you enjoy this month's Journal!
Peter F. Brown
Editor & Publisher
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
* From the Editor, Peter F. Brown ......................1
* Children Need to Live with
Values, Morals, Principles,
by Betsy Mathews Wright ..............................5
* Absolute Sex, Not "Meaningful" Sexual Relationships,
by Richard A. Panzer .................................7
* Reflections on Womanhood,
by Mimi Dempsey ......................................9
* Lady Luck and Lightning Bugs
by Richard R. Radtke ................................11
* The Movie Mom's Guide to Movies
and Videos for Families, by Nell Minow ..............14
(Review of "Matilda" and "Harriet the Spy")
* HeartQuestions / Questions & Reflections
about Marriage, Parenting & Family Issues
"Fidelity & True Love", by Peter F. Brown ...........17
* A Legacy of Laughter, (Part II),
by Kim Korman Brown .................................21
* The HeartThread Resource Guide:
Resources for Couples, Parents & Families ...........25
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The HeartThread Journal Page 2
The HeartThread Journal
is published by FutureRealm Productions
Publisher and Editor - Peter F. Brown
Co-Publisher - Kim Korman Brown
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Visit our web page, "The HeartThread Resource Page", at:
"http://futurerealm.com"
or email us at: "peterbrown@futurerealm.com"
or: "kimbrown@futurerealm.com"
You can mail us at:
FutureRealm Productions
P.O. Box 4131
Virginia Beach, VA 23454 / USA
or you can call us at: (804) 468-6848
or fax us at: (804) 468-6461
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Please mail US Bank Check or Money Order to the above address.
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Free subscribers will be notified when this happens,
and will be offered a regular subscription.
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WRITERS ARE ALWAYS NEEDED
*************************
If you want to write for The HeartThread Journal,
we will be happy to review your article, column or story.
Please review our "Writers Guidelines" on our web page,
and email us your proposal or actual work.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 3
ADVERTISING INFORMATION
***********************
Advertising products or services of value or interest
to parents, couples or families is encouraged.
Brief textual advertisements will appear in the
"HeartThread Resource Guide" at the end of this journal.
For a limited time, advertisements will be FREE.
When this special advertising promotion ends,
advertising rates will be published.
FREE ADVERTISING FOR AUTHORS
****************************
All authors receive FREE advertising space in
the issue that their article or column appears.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
*********************
All materials contained herein are
(C) Copyright 1996 by FutureRealm Productions
except for individual articles and columns,
which are Copyrighted by their respective authors.
Individual authors retain all rights to their articles,
unless otherwise specified.
All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
No part of this journal may be used or reproduced
in any manner whatsoever without
written permission from the publisher,
or the individual authors
(in the case of their articles or columns),
except in cases of brief quotations
embodied in articles and reviews.
Opinions expressed by writers in The HeartThread Journal
are not necessarily those of FutureRealm Productions.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
*********************
Readers wishing to submit a letter should email it to:
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com"
or send it by regular mail to the above address.
Letters may be edited for grammar or length.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 4
Children Need to Live with
Values, Morals, Principles
............................
by Betsy Mathews Wright
Just days ago, I taught Sunday school at First
Presbyterian Church in Norfolk. I spoke on "Compassionate
Evangelism" and caught myself quoting my Mom on several
points.
On the drive back home that morning, I got to
thinking about my Mom's wisdom. As often does when I
think about Mom, a smile came to my face. Then I got to
thinking about Dad. Another smile.
I am one of the lucky ones. I was raised by two
parents who loved me and gave me all the good stuff I
needed to become a fairly decent human being. I'm not
talking about material stuff -- though they gave me that
too -- but the kind of stuff that's internal. Values.
Morals. Principles. Stuff you can't put a price tag on.
I was also lucky in that I grew up in a household
where values, morals and principles were not just
preached, but lived. This doesn't mean my parents were
saints. I saw them mess up, but they were smart emough to
also let us kids see the consequences of their mistakes.
Then too, they were smart enough to let us see that when
you mess up, the words, "forgive me" can go a long way.
It was the same for religion. Religion in my family
wasn't something you wore on your sleeve. Religion was
something you just were. You didn't talk about the Golden
Rule. You had to live it.
Though my parents took us to church and Sunday
School, and Vacation Bible School, and though they helped
us say our prayers at night, my parents didn't teach us
to memorize Bible verses or to quote Scripture. What they
taught us was the intent behind the words. I've come to
see that's a much more difficult lesson to teach a child.
"For I (the Lord) desire kindness, not sacrifice."
(Hosea 6:6) Whenever we asked Mom what she wanted for
Christmas or Mother's Day, her answer was always the
same: "I just want one day of peace where everyone treats
each other nicely. No fussing and fighting. Just
everybody being nice to each other."
"Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but
those who deal truthfully are his delight." (Proverbs
12:22) One of my Dad's favorite sayings was, "I can
forgive anything except a lie." When I messed up as a
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The HeartThread Journal Page 5
kid, Dad was always a fair and forgiving father. If,
however, I told a lie and was caught -- and I was always
caught -- the punishment was swift and harsh.
"Judge not, that you be not judged." (Jesus speaking
in Matthew 7:1) To this day my Mom's motto is, "Don't
judge another person until you've walked a mile in their
moccasins." She taught me that you had to know what the
other person was going through in order to understand
their actions. She taught me about unconditional love.
"If anyone among you thinks he is religious and does
not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this
one's religion is useless." (James 1:26) Though I
sometimes heard my parents say cuss words, I cannot
remember either of them ever uttering a racial or ethnic
slur. That was simply not allowed in our family. The only
time my mother ever slapped me in the face was when I
brought home a racial epithet from my school playground.
"It's just a cuss word," I said defensively.
"No. Cuss words are just dirty and make you sound
ugly" she explained. "Words like the one you used are
ugly and hurt people's hearts forever."
"God resists the proud, but gives grace to the
humble." (Proverbs 3:34) Though my parents taught me to
have pride in my accomplishments, they were also clear
about one thing: Never think you're better than anyone
else.
"Thus said the Lord: Let not the wise man glory in
his wisdom; Let not the strong man glory in his strength;
Let not the rich man glory in his riches. But only in
this should one glory: In his earnest devotion to me. For
I the Lord act with kindness, justice and equity in the
world; For in these I delight." (Jeremiah 9:23-24) If my
religious upbringing could be summarized in three values,
they would be kindness, justice and equity. With those,
everything else falls into place.
In Rabbi Herbert Tarr's novel, "The Conversion of
Chaplain Cohen," there is a touching goodbye scene
between the main character, a young man shipping off to
the Army, and the loving aunt and uncle who raised him.
"How can I ever begin to repay what you've done for
me!" says the young man.
His uncle responds: "There's a saying, :"The love of
parents goes to their children, but the love of these
children goes to their children."
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The young man protests, insisting he'll never be
able to pay back his uncle and aunt for their love. A
friend intervenes.
"...David, what your Uncle Asher means is that a
parent's love isn't to be paid back; it can only be
passed on."
Thanks, Mom and Dad. Your love has become a living
heritage in the lives of my children.
...........................................
Ms. Wright is a columnist for the
Virginian Pilot Newspaper, in Norfolk, VA
This is reprinted with permission from her
"Issues of Faith" opinion column, 08/10/96
* * * * * * * *
Absolute Sex,
Not "Meaningful" Sexual Relationships
.......................................
by Richard A. Panzer
More than 20 years ago, Redbook magazine conducted a
nationwide survey of 100,000 women concerning their
sexual habits. The results were shocking. Women who were
strictly monogamous reported rates of sexual fulfillment
twice as high as women who had had several partners.
Women who were sexually active as teenagers expressed
more dissatisfaction with their sex lives as adults.
Since the survey was voluntary and therefore not
strictly scientific, some might discount its findings.
After all, Redbook magazine is not exactly the National
Academy of Science.
But more scientific studies show the same trend. The
most scientific study ever conducted by the National
Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago,
released in October, 1994, found that married people had
sex more often and enjoyed it more than singles, that 9
out of 10 married people were "very" satisfied with their
sex lives, and that those (usually single) people with
more than one sex partner were the least emotionally
satisfied.
Also, in contrast to movies and TV shows suggesting
high rates of marital infidelity, the survey found that 4
out of 5 married people had never cheated on their
spouse. An earlier Washington Post/ABC News poll found
that 89% had never been unfaithful.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 7
It is sadly ironic and counter to popular wisdom
that those people who pursue sexual fulfillment in a
sexually "free" lifestyle end up with lower rates of
sexual fulfillment than those who save it for marriage.
Another popular misconception among many college
students is that living together with your partner is a
good way to determine marital compatibility. Sort of like
taking a car out for a test drive before you decide
whether or not to buy it.
But, on average, those who live together before
getting married have less happy marriages and higher
risks of divorce. They also have much higher rates of
domestic violence than among married partners. It seems
that finding a lifelong partner is a little different
than buying a car.
For these and other reasons too numerous to mention
in a short article, I propose that readers consider
adopting the model of what is now being called "absolute
sex", as opposed to the increasingly discredited notion
of "free sex" or popular euphemisms like "meaningful"
love relationships. The concept of "absolute sex" is
based on the realization that the most complete,
fulfilling sex occurs between two people who aren't just
sharing sexual intimacy with each other on a temporary
basis, but who have made a clear, absolute commitment to
each other.
Such commitments are made with the awareness that
the act of love implies exactly that: love. Love cares
not only about the present, but also about the future --
your own future and the future of your partner. Love
cares about the consequences of one's acts, including the
possibility that you and your partner may be creating a
new life; and not just a new life, but an entire lineage
that may last for decades, or hundreds or even thousands
of years!
I recently interviewed a young woman from Sweden, a
country which has a reputation for being sexually
liberated. The woman told me how much she struggled to
deal with the fact that her birth was the result of a one
night stand, that there was no deep love between her
parents, who subsequently broke up and never married. She
also told of a young man she knew who committed suicide
after his parents' divorce. Such acts are not isolated
incidents. Sweden has one of the highest suicide rates in
the world (higher in fact than that of the U.S.) Could
the high suicide rate in Sweden be related to its
permissive sexual ethic?
Studies in the U.S. show that teenage girls who are
sexually active have a 6 times higher risk of attempting
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The HeartThread Journal Page 8
suicide. Those who view sex as a form of recreation
ignore that it is much, much more than that.
Is it wise to treat something as powerful as sex as
if it were something that can be given away to someone
whose commitment to you is not clear (or vice versa)?
Something that is "free" is also something that is, by
definition, cheap. Those who delay sex until an absolute
marital commitment is made are most likely to enjoy a
physically and emotionally fulfilling love life.
.............................................
Richard A. Panzer is President of the
Center for Educational Media, Westwood, N.J.
and author of "After the Sexual Revolution:
The Role of Marriage in Society"
Some of his publications are on the web at:
"http://futurerealm.com/panzer/"
* * * * * * * *
Reflections on Womanhood
..........................
by Mimi Dempsey
I remember that as a child I wasn't particularly
happy to be a girl. Although I loved my dolls, I also
loved playing softball and climbing trees. It seemed to
me that boys had more fun than girls and I was not
comfortable with what was expected of girls and women. I
wasn't even clear as to what I was supposed to be, and I
often felt a little out of place.
I remember feeling that women had really gotten a
rotten deal when at 13 I got my period along with
horrendous monthly cramps. It just seemed like men really
had it so easy compared to us. Although I had a very
strong maternal desire, I thought I would never be able
to endure the difficulties of pregnancy and childbirth.
I remember seeing the pink on the $10 pregnancy
test. I ran through the apartment screaming, I was so
excited. My entire family shared in my excitement. All
the women at work were full of motherly advice and
stories. I also remember feeling that the little creature
growing in me felt like a girl. Why, I don't know.
I remember the first day I felt her move. It was the
day after Valentine's Day, 1992. I had laid down to rest,
and "bloop", she flipped over. I was amazed and thrilled.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 9
I remember countless nights lying with my husband's
hands stroking my growing belly, wondering and asking,
"What would she look like, who would she be like, what
kind of mother would I be?"
I remember the first time I heard her heart beat. It
really made me want to cry. I finally knew for sure that
there was a new life living and growing within my body. I
felt so important. I felt I had begun to take part in
something much greater than myself. I was in awe.
I remember growing so big, I could hardly keep my
balance. So big that people stared at me. So big that I
had to be hoisted off the couch and in and out of the
car. I remember staring at the mirror, incredulous of
what had become of my body.
I remember going into labor after grocery shopping
for two and a half hours. I knew when I felt the first
contraction that it was the "real thing". I remember my
husband saying, "It's a girl." I remember the doctor
laying her in all her glory on my belly. I remember
crying in joy that I fulfilled the most important life
cycle, becoming a parent.
I remember looking at her and thinking that she was
too beautiful to be our baby, and too beautiful even to
be a newborn, with her perfect little round head, all
soft and fuzzy.
I remember the moment I put her to my breast. I was
feeling awkward, but she knew exactly what to do. She got
right to work and helped me feel confident from the first
moment.
And yes, I do remember three months of queasy
nausea, stretch marks, back aches, and my 22 hours of
labor, but I can say without the least bit of hesitation
that I would do it all again in a heart-beat. Becoming a
mother has liberated me as a woman.
After the birth of Anna, I have been so grateful to
be a woman. Only a woman can carry a life within, feeling
it living and growing and eventually giving birth to it.
Only a woman can suckle a baby at her breast. What an
indescribable feeling to nourish a baby and watch it grow
solely on the milk your own body produced. Any woman who
lacks confidence in herself should try it. Many times I
held Anna in my arms while she contentedly suckled, and
secretly felt sorry for my husband and other men, for
they could never experience this magic, and I thanked God
that I was a woman.
.............................................
Mimi Dempsey is an Elementary School Teacher
and a Mother, living in Northern Virginia
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Lady Luck and Lightning Bugs
..............................
by Richard R. Radtke
Have you ever found a four-leaf clover? Not the
every day, garden variety kind of four-leaf clover. No, I
am talking about the bona fide lucky kind. The kind you
find only after patiently searching on your hands and
knees for an hour or so through the fragrant grass of a
newly mown lawn. I emphasize the idea of a newly mown
lawn, as it is my experience that four-leaf clovers like
to hide down at the bottom of the lawn, either because
they know people like me are looking for them and it's a
survival thing, or they are just anti-social.
There are those out there who would add to this
formula, "the way to make sure the four-leaf clover is
truly a lucky one is to look for it with your children."
Personally I think this is simply because those
people who add this extra line to the formula do so
because once they find a four-leaf clover -- after
crawling around in the grass with the kids for an hour or
two -- they can finally get up off the grass and get back
to doing (in their minds at least) what are considered to
be more dignified adult things.
Nor will I even mention the parents' hope that now
that they are in the upright mode once more -- and not
crawling around on all fours in the middle of the yard --
the neighbors that have been secretly watching from
behind their venetian blinds will go back to their
televisions, since the show is over.
And yes, if you were in this parent's position, you
too would know that the neighbors are watching you. You
could feel the neighbors' eyes staring at you from
between the slats of the blinds, giving you a feeling
somewhat akin to the feeling that a monkey trapped in the
zoo must have when watched by the public. The parent can
even picture in his mind's eye the neighbors watching his
odd behavior in the yard, slowly shaking their heads in
pity for the parent and his family; the parent knowing
who is going to be the topic of discussion over the
neighborhood gossip vine for the next few days.
Other people say that the only time a four-leaf
clover is lucky is if you find one simply by accident.
Patient searching doesn't count -- in their mind luck is
something you fall into, not something to be looked for.
My niece, Courtney, finds four-leaf clovers this way. She
has this strange ability to see or sense them from what
seems like a football field away. You can be out walking
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The HeartThread Journal Page 11
with her and suddenly she will bend over with a shout of
glee and pluck a four-leaf clover up out of the ground.
In an ideal world this locating ability of hers would not
bother me, in fact I would cheer her on, but she is
starting to close in on my own family record. I guess
I'll just have to keep on searching to stay ahead.
In all my years of four-leaf clover hunting, I've
still not really come up with any clear-cut theories
regarding the does and don'ts of four-leaf clover
hunting. I have bounced back and forth on the "patient
searching does not count theory", and when I was young
and unmarried, discounted the "children" theory. Now that
I am married and a father I do pay a little more
attention to the "children" theory, not so much because I
believe it's the only way to find a lucky four-leaf
clover, but rather because it is fun to do things with
the kids.
Last week my sons, Willis and Ethan, spent an hour
or so out in the yard with me hunting for four-leaf
clovers. Actually, Willis and I did the hunting. Ethan
spent most of his time rolling down the hill and then
making his way in a dizzy fashion back up to the top to
start the rolling process all over. (I guess when you are
four years old some things are more important than
others.) Willis spent at least fifteen minutes trying to
convince me (and himself I believe), that a three-leaf
clover with a ripped leaf he had picked was in fact a
cleverly disguised four-leaf clover. He finally decided
that his prize was just an ordinary three-leaf clover
after all. (Although it did end up in a glass half-filled
with water on the kitchen window sill.)
Willis and I eventually gave up the hunt empty
handed -- more so due to the fact that Ethan had now
decided that the clover patch we were searching was a
good place to roll through on his journey down the hill,
than by lack of interest. Besides that, he was making
Willis and I both dizzy just watching him. I stood up and
wandered back to the house, stopping here and there on
the way as I glanced at other patches of clover (I don't
have to worry about the neighbors watching as we live out
in the country), and Willis joined Ethan in play.
I still find myself looking for four-leaf clovers,
without really trying, even without the kids. When I am
sitting on the riding mower mowing the lawn, I'll find
myself looking on the ground beside the mower or behind
it (in some cases with unfortunate results, as certain
lopsided bushes or scarred trees around the house can
testify), as I pass by a patch of clover. Over the years
I've found quite a few. (If you don't believe me, stop by
sometime and I'll show them to you.) I save them all, by
squashing them flat in books. Yes, I use the term
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The HeartThread Journal Page 12
"squash" -- I don't dry them or press them -- I squash-em
flat, usually in a 4,000 page dictionary that I received
as a gift long ago. (But that is another story.)
I might add here that some individuals have told me
that this is the incorrect way to save them, their theory
being; if you squash-em flat, (the four-leaf clovers,
that is), their luck runs out. I guess my theory is;
"Hey, they are already picked, I really think that
perhaps from the clovers' perspective their luck has
already run out."
The honest truth is that I can't say for sure if any
of them are lucky ... I haven't won the lottery. Of
course maybe if I bought a ticket or two it would help.
I'm still waiting for the Publisher's Clearing House Van
to pull up into the driveway. But on the lucky side, I
should add that I was among a select few Iowans to make
it through the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes Computer
Verification Pick-A-Thon. Of course so did every one else
in my family -- even my little sister who lives in
Germany where her husband is stationed.
More to the point, and in support of the theory that
at least one of my many squashed four-leaf clovers is
indeed a lucky one, is the inescapable fact that I have a
beautiful wife and two very healthy, handsome young boys.
Perhaps the most compelling proof in the support of my
four-leaf clover claim to luck is simply that I am lucky
enough to have the time and the imagination to look for
more four-leaf clovers with my children, and if that
isn't lucky I don't know what is...
There are many other non-adult things that I like to
do when playing with my children; flying kites, building
sandcastles, and when the mood is right, catching
lightning bugs. When I was a youngster, my little sister,
Lisa, and I did this often -- today I do it with my
children. It's not hard to do, and in fact brings back
memories that for some of us are too long forgotten. But
perhaps forgetting is a problem we as parents sometimes
overlook. Our job is not only to teach our children about
life, but it is also to live life with them.
To do this, we need to open up and let the child
that lives within us all come out and play with our own
children. With lightning bugs the formula is simple.
Sometime -- anytime -- pick a day, and in the coolness of
the evening, that follows a hot summer day, with the
children play. As evening recedes and the dark of night
approaches, run, not as a parent, but as a child too,
chasing flashing lightning bugs across the yard, and with
shouts of glee, break the still of the night.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 13
With my family, a large jar with a lid punched full
of holes becomes a temporary home for our captured
glowing friends, serving as a glowing beacon in the
night. When in time the little ones slowly tire, Dad
becomes Dad and Mom becomes Mom again. Bedtime arrives,
and the children march off to their beds clutching a
glowing jar full of lightning bugs, which they place with
care by their bedsides before they fall asleep. When they
are finally in the firm grasp of dreamland, Mom or Dad
will steal silently into their room and retrieve the jar
of liquid light and carefully carry it back outside to
release its captives into the night sky. Perhaps tomorrow
night the lightning bugs may find themselves once more in
the strange jar, by the bedside.
As the lightning bugs take flight, blinking out into
the night, a little bit of the childhood that was full
and alive just moments ago goes with them, and you
stare with wonder and know that is all right. You say
good-bye to childhood for the night.
...............................
Richard R. Radtke is a Dad
and a writer, living in Iowa.
* * * * * * * *
The Movie Mom's Guide
to Movies and Videos for Families
...................................
by Nell Minow
Reviews for parents of the best of current films and
old movies available on video and cable, by Nell Minow,
author, film critic, and mother. Reviews [on the Movie
Mom web page, see address below] will be updated each
week with recommendations and replies to questions about
movies on special topics, suitability of particular
movies for children, and movie trivia -- try to stump me!
I'd also love your suggestions for a new book on movies
for families. The best kids' comments I receive will be
published.
RECOMMENDED
***********
Matilda
.......
Danny DeVito directed and stars in this story of a
wise little girl (Mara Wilson) who triumphs over dreadful
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The HeartThread Journal Page 14
adults in this movie based on the classic book by Roald
Dahl ("James and the Giant Peach" and "Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory".) Matilda's hilariously tacky parents
(DeVito and his real-life wife, Rhea Perlman) can barely
remember Matilda's name and age. They alternately ignore
and insult her, insisting she put down her beloved books
and watch television, and refusing to allow her to go to
school. When they finally do send her to school, the
principal, Miss Trunchbull, hates children, and enjoys
tossing them over the fence like the shot-putter she once
was. Matilda discovers she has "powers" (telekinesis),
and, with the support of sweet Miss Honey, her teacher,
finds a way to live happily ever after.
Parents (and some kids) may be concerned by the
comic treatment of abusive behavior. As in "James and the
Giant Peach" and some of Dahl's other books, most of the
grown-ups are stupid, dishonest, and cruel, genuinely
relishing their power over children. I have had reports
of nightmares from several families. But, as with "Home
Alone", many kids find the comic exaggeration reassuring,
especially when the child proves less vulnerable than the
grown-ups expected. Kids who will enjoy this movie most
are those who liked the book -- those who are unfamiliar
with it should be prepared ahead of time for what to
expect.
DeVito and Perlman made this movie because it was
their daughter's favorite book. And Dahl's lesson that
children can solve their problems by reading and by
finding good, trustworthy friends to help them is very
worthwhile.
VIDEO TIP:
**********
Two popular videos based on books by Dahl are
"Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (for all ages)
and "The Witches" (for older kids only -- some very scary
moments).
Harriet the Spy
...............
Harriet is a 6th grader who thinks of herself as a
spy because she observes the world around her closely and
writes everything down in her notebook. When the notebook
is discovered and read aloud, her classmates are hurt and
angered by her frank criticism, and even her closest
friends, Janie and Sport, join the others in forming a
"Spy-Catcher's Club" to ostracize her. Harriet is
devastated, but decides she would rather be a spy without
friends than have friends without being a spy. She makes
a list of the kids who have shunned her, and extracts
revenge on each of them. Instead of making her feel
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The HeartThread Journal Page 15
better, it leaves her isolated and miserable. Her former
nanny, the wise and understanding Golly, tells her she
must do two things -- apologize and "lie" -- that while
she is lucky to be perceptive and original, these
qualities will make people uncomfortable, and she has to
find a balance that will enable her to preserve her
friendships and pursue her writing.
Telling the truth has hurt people (Harriet tells the
kids that a girl whose popularity and reputation mean
everything to her has been lying about her close
relationship with her father, that in fact he has not
seen her for three years.) Harriet learns that the truth
is more complex than she thought, and that she can accept
responsibility for what she has done and reconnect to her
friends. The first movie produced by kids' TV network
Nickelodeon, this gets a bit MTV-ish at times, but is
well-produced and faithful to the book, a long-time
favorite. NOTE: some harsh schoolyard language.
NOT RECOMMENDED
***************
A Very Brady Sequel
...................
As with the first, the humor in this movie is
derived from putting the perpetually polyester Bradys
into the raw reality of the 1990's. Directed at
20-somethings who will understand both the references to
Brady trivia and the double-entendres fueled by the
juxtaposition of the clashing cultures, this has a
well-deserved PG-13 rating, and is not appropriate or of
interest to kids, even fans of the reruns.
Kingpin
.......
The "Dumb and Dumber" folks are back with "Dumbest,"
or rather "Grossest." Bodily fluid humor prevails in this
story of a former bowler, who lost his hand in a fight
with thugs, and who tries to turn an Amish guy into the
champion he could not be. Sample "humor" is when someone
tries to "milk" a bull and drinks what comes out.
Jack
....
I haven't had a chance to see it yet, but have had a
lot of complaints from parents who were expecting a
comedy for kids. One father told me his five year old
cried so hard he had to leave. The movie is rated PG-13
for language, and sexual references, and it has a sad
ending. Not for kids.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 16
Multiplicity
............
The coming attraction makes it seems as though this
story about a man who multiplies himself so that he can
handle his home and work life and still have time for
himself is a cute family farce. Michael Keaton and the
special effects are great, but much of the plot centers
around whether the three clones will have sex with
Keaton's wife, played by Andie MacDowell (all three of
them do). This is of little interest or appeal and even
less humor for kids.
...............................................
The Movie Mom's Guide is on the web at:
http://pages.prodigy.com/moviemom/moviemom.html
"Movie Mom" is a trademark of Nell Minow
* * * * * * * *
- HeartQuestions -
Questions & Reflections about
Marriage, Parenting & Family Issues
-------------------------------------
Fidelity & True Love
......................
by Peter F. Brown
Perhaps one of the more devastating results of the
free sex revolution of the 1960's has been the damage to
the conceptual reasons to be faithful to one's spouse.
After all, as many people succinctly stated, the animals
do it with anyone they wish, so why shouldn't we?
Unless couples are clear about why -- and how --
they should practice fidelity toward each other, the
temptation of love for another may prove to be more than
one or both of them can bear. Movie actors are a good
example of people working in situations that stimulate
new relationships of passion -- to the sorrow of their
current husbands or wives. One famous actor said that he
fell in love with every one of his leading ladies. What
can we do to counteract the powerful force of love when
we're already married? No one is exempt from the
influence and the confusion of love, for aren't we all
supposed to love everybody?
If we were animals, this wouldn't be much of an
issue -- for dogs on a lawn don't worry very much about
fidelity. But are we really just animals? Even without
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The HeartThread Journal Page 17
the argument that humankind was created by a God of
unselfish love, instead of solidifying from some
rain-soaked dust, one has to think that humans display
significant differences from praying mantises whose
womenfolk eat the head of their mate in the midst of
their "romantic" activities.
Unlike praying mantises, we have the ability to
think about true unselfish love. We have the tendency to
yearn for beauty in our life, even in the midst of
poverty or suffering. We long for happiness, and we long
to give and receive love. These traits alone
differentiate us from animals. It's also true that humans
have the ability to become more bestial than animals
themselves, existing at a level lower than the most
ferocious shark -- who still only eats to live, and not
to cause pain to others. Even so, it would be inaccurate
to conclude that humans are simply animals -- for both of
the above traits of thoughtful love and deliberate
cruelty are beyond the instinctual reactions of animals.
We possess the unique ability to exercise our will
and to work toward our desires, in a creative fashion far
beyond the rote mechanics of ants digging tunnels. It is
that decisive quality of creative freedom that allows us
to say, "I will give love to the other person", rather
than simply exist as a prisoner of transient feelings.
Our will, combined with our conscience about goodness,
and our ability to feel the results of true love deep
within the core of our hearts, allows us to go so far as
to select and choose our emotions. We have the freedom to
reject anger, resentment and hatred, and the freedom to
transform those ugly emotions into good ones through
repentance, love, and service.
It is these internal traits of mind that allow
husband and wife to meet in the depths of their hearts,
and become one in harmonious true love. It is these
traits of beautiful sensitivity that allow us to look at
our spouse and think deeply about his or her feelings and
thoughts. Consider for a moment the results of many years
of sacrificial love between a husband and wife. Because
of their efforts to understand each other's thoughts and
feelings, because of their commitment of heart toward
each other, and because they have united with each other
alone (without other sexual or romantic relationships),
they have the potential to exist together in an invisible
realm of heart created by the true love between them.
If the couple engage in other liaisons, how will
they ever reach the depth of harmony and love that is
possible between a faithful husband and wife?
Relationships deepen because of communication, loving
service and time. To be a moth, flitting between
partners, is to deny the opportunity to reach the
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The HeartThread Journal Page 18
invisible realm of true love with one's spouse that is
built upon absolute trust and commitment, and that can
only happen between husband and wife. By its very nature,
this invisible realm of heart and love belongs to God, as
the Creator of love, rather than resultant created beings
such as instinctual animals. Human couples can co-exist
in this invisible realm of love because we not only have
an invisible spiritual nature, but we also are the very
ones who co-create the realm of love by our commitment
and responsibility.
Breaking the fidelity between husband and wife will
do more than damage our own ability to co-exist in a
world of love. It will without question cause pain and
suffering to our spouse, our children and many other
people. As heartistic beings who value unselfish love
above all other things, how can we endure the thought of
causing others pain? This reason is in itself an adequate
motivation to be faithful to our spouse, and care for him
or her eternally.
It is truly miserable that devoted husbands and
wives still fall prey to the power of illicit love.
Adultery has continually plagued us throughout history,
no matter how much society has improved. It is reasonable
to believe then, that mankind's fundamental situation can
only be ultimately changed through a religious course. Is
there a method that will help couples remain faithful
today, while we sort out the different religious
questions?
The "mechanical power" of love is the turning point
for couples seeking to build relationships of fidelity.
Isn't it true that nothing is more powerful than
unselfish love? In the same way, love in any shape or
form has an inevitable power that many people ignore.
Love, by anyone's common definition, exists between
people. It requires "give and take" between both parties
for it to exist. Generally speaking, communication and
doing things together, or being together, is the
foundation for love to grow.
Give and take, and the circumstances we find
ourselves in, is one key to fidelity. Give and take
between men and women usually starts slowly. It's sneaky.
Often people will say, "Oh, nothing will happen between
us. We're just friends." As men and women have more and
more give and take, though, they sometimes find that
their attraction is growing stronger. Intellectually, we
may feel secure, but it's unrealistic to think that any
of us are exempt from the emotional power of love.
Circumstances sometimes even seem to conspire against us,
throwing us together with someone that we're trying to
avoid.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 19
As a last resort, if we want to avoid extra-marital
affairs, we must sometimes cut our relationships, or
severely reduce the give and take that we have with the
other person. Dominating our circumstances may require
extreme measures, such as quitting one's job or
transferring to avoid a co-worker that we're seriously
attracted to, but it's worth it for the sake of the love
we have for our spouse.
And that, of course, is the other side of the coin.
Do we adequately love our spouse? Sometimes husbands and
wives may struggle with their emotional or sexual
relationships -- which could cause one of them to be
attracted to love elsewhere. If they both develop a
mutual commitment to become more unselfish, and to build
an eternal relationship of heart, they will be able to
act as heartistic "doctors" to each other. When the
husband or wife struggle with attraction toward another,
they should immediately tell their spouse, and ask for
their spouse's help. This type of total openness will
build a deep and powerful relationship of trust between
them, and will give them both the power to overcome
temptation. Unfortunately, husbands and wives don't often
admit these things to each other, and therefore end up
fighting temptation alone as they simultaneously separate
internally from their spouse.
The sixties activists were right -- we should love
everybody -- but not as husband or wife. One way of
looking at it is to say that a man should love all other
women as his family members; sisters or aunts or mothers
or daughters, depending on their age. And women should
take a corresponding attitude. It's normal to develop a
profound love for your sister -- but it's not normal to
sleep with her.
The quality of the ideal relationship between
husband and wife is unlike any other relationship -- our
task is to persevere until we can actually experience
with every cell of our heart and being what we can only
imagine now. It is our great gift and our great hope that
the unselfish love that we strive for is the most
powerful and inevitable force in the universe.
........................................................
Peter F. Brown is the author of the book,
"Striving for Parental Love" and lives in
Virginia Beach, VA with his wife Kim and their
four children, Tymon, Thea Grace, Ranin and Tadin
HeartQuestions is published as a weekly column on
The HeartThread Resource Page at:
"http://futurerealm.com"
Send your questions by email to:
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 20
A Legacy of Laughter
(Part II)
......................
by Kim Korman Brown
If the world were an ideal place, then the mommies
and the daddies would love and understand the kids, and
the kids would love and respond to the mommies and the
daddies. The mommies and the daddies would always be
patient, loving and kind, and the kids would never make
noise during "Star Trek," and never leave messy jelly
knives on the counter to attract ants.
In the hubbub of working for a living and cleaning
the house so we can stand living in it, we need to set
aside time for PLAY. Children were created for play. They
know exactly how to release all of the stress (what
stress?) from their little beings, pounding their little
chests with their little fists, kicking up their little
heels, braying and hallooing with their little
Tarzan-brand vocal cords. And that's just the girls.
Parents, encumbered with the numerous burdens of
adulthood, can hardly remember what having fun is all
about. It's hard for them to cut loose in utter
informality. Imagine the difference in Dickensonian
England if they'd had the Hokey Pokey instead of corporal
punishment.
A case in point was the night we finally got
curtains on our front windows, months after moving into
this house (my delay factor.) Two of our friends actually
came over with blinds and a drill and put them up for us
or we still wouldn't have them! (I'm terrible at domestic
details.) (Give me a rake and I'll show you a clean
carpet!) Anyway, on that glorious day, Peter came home
and said, "Children, do you know why we have curtains?"
"Why Daddy?" "So we can do this!" he said merrily, and
danced on the coffee table like Farmer Hoggett from
"Babe." The children totally cracked up.
Adult burdens are incomprehensible to children. Many
times my husband and I are hard at work for a client and
my son Ranin comes into the office and wants us to come
and turn somersaults on the carpet with him.
"Why not Mommy, come on!"
"I can't, we're trying to make money."
"Why do we need money?"
"So the IRS can take it away from us."
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The HeartThread Journal Page 21
"Huh?"
But often at a moment like that we'll decide to stop
and play. We chase the kids wildly around the house until
we catch them and fling them on the bed, and tickle them
unmercifully. (Invasion of the Body Squeezers! Run for
your lives!!!)
Sometimes we try excursions off the beaten path. One
night we turned off all of the lights during dinner and
lit candles. The kids immediately started to play "Shadow
Theater", making finger ducks on the wall. Then they ran
and got plastic dinosaurs which made very impressive and
threatening shadows. Dinner evolved into bathtime. What
the heck, let's keep the candles on and the lights off. I
happened to flip on the radio as they were getting out of
the tub. The ominous sounding "Capulets and Montagues,"
from Prokofiev's "Romeo and Juliet" just happened to be
on, which lent itself well to shrieking and maniacal
laughter.
One night we were singing a little ditty in the
kitchen while washing dishes. Tadin, who is two, started
to do a funny little dance with shoulder wiggles and legs
kicking out in all directions. That was a cue and
everyone started dancing like King Louie and Ballou from
Disney's "Jungle Book." None of us knew the real
jitterbug, but we faked it howling, "I wanna be like you,
Scoobie Doo Doo..." The jitterbug became the tango which
ended abruptly when the kids slipped in spilled water and
whacked their heads on the floor. Bedtime!
Inspired by the trips I took with my parents, I
spoke to Peter about taking little trips with our family
too. We wanted to experience traditional family fun.
Disneyland. Six Flags. Even the fifty cent merry go round
at K-Mart. Living in Virginia there are a lot of places
to go on day trips. We went to the beach, to old
plantations along the James River, and to the Blue Ridge
Mountains.
One trip to the mountains was particularly
memorable. As we drove along the Blue Ridge Parkway, we
saw a cluster of picnic tables under a canopy of trees,
with a little sign that read something like: "Humpback
Rock--Scenic Overlook--20 Minute Hike--This Way". We
stopped the car thinking, oh a twenty minute hike. We can
do that. Our littlest boy was one and half at the time
and had to be carried. We began walking up the slight
incline, dum de dum, hmm, this isn't so bad, laughing,
(sweat sweat) marching, marching, (feel those thigh
muscles pulling), steeper steeper, hmmm, hasn't it been
twenty minutes yet?
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The HeartThread Journal Page 22
People passing us on their way down looked at us and
said, "You're brave." We shrugged, thinking, gee, it's
just a twenty minute walk, isn't it? We took Indian names
to make the climb more authentic. Peter was Sitting Bull
and I was Princess Tiger Lily. The boys were Squanto,
Geronimo and Crazy Horse, and Gracie was Pocahontas -- of
course.
The sign should have said that it was a twenty
minute hike for graduates of Mt. Everest expeditions. The
path steepened into vertical steps that some diligent and
thoughtful park work crew pounded into the rock face for
the climbing-impaired. Our thigh muscles strained and our
knees trembled. Our tongues panted and our eyes rolled
back. Our pulses quickened, our chests pounded. (Gee, are
our bodies trying to tell us something?) Steeper and
steeper, along a zig-zag muddy path, we passed the baby
back and forth--you take him--ok--can you take him
now?--OK--can you take him back?--OK. This seemed to go
on for an hour and a half until we emerged onto a huge
granite rock. Before us was a stunning view, going for
miles in all directions. There was also a sheer drop-off
which seized me in the solar plexus as I imagined my
children running off the edge like Wyle E. Coyote --
standing on the air one moment, and plunging to the rocks
below, the next.
Peter and I crawled on all fours to the center of
the boulder. We made the children sit down and hang on
with everything but their teeth. Then we looked at the
world God made. Hawks circled around us. A hush fell upon
us as we took in the grandeur. The hush lasted a split
second as the children began cawing at the hawk.
The hike down was faster than the hike up. Our
kneecaps felt like they were going to pop like champagne
corks. At the bottom we recovered with salami sandwiches
and soda from our cooler, on a picnic table under the
trees.
I got out of the habit of reading bedtime stories
during the last couple of years. I was really faithful
about it with the older two when they were little, then
somehow I became lazy. (Shame shame!) Reading Barbara
Bush's biography recently reinspired me about the
importance and fun of reading to children. Now we're
doing it at least a couple of times a week. We're
learning a song before bed too. I taught my children,
"Home on the Range" recently. Teaching a song gives you a
chance to hear it as if for the first time. That
particular one is actually very sentimental. It conjures
up images of some lone cowpoke away yonder on the range,
alone with his beans and his dawgies. If we sing it
sincerely we almost cry. The kids throw their heads back
and Peter howls like a coyote in the background.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 23
Experiences like these make terrific memories. So
many things can help strengthen our relationship of love
with our children. I don't think it matters if we go to
Disneyland or if we jump up and down on the bed with
them. I think what truly solidifies the family is when we
share our real selves with each other. No secrets, no
pretense. Even the mundane can be fun if there's laughter
and warmth.
The difficulties we all face at one time or another
can be more easily weathered when our memories have a
little tenderness or a little comic relief. One way I
hope to accomplish this, in the far distant future, when
my bereaved family drives my body to the cemetery after I
die, will be to leave instructions for the undertaker to
play a recording of my voice asking, "Are we there yet?
Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
........................................
Kim Korman Brown is a writer and a Mom,
living in Virginia Beach, Virginia
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The HeartThread Journal Page 24
The HeartThread Resource Guide
- Resources for Couples, Parents & Families -
...............................................
If you have any books, products, services, seminars,
or other helpful items that you would like us
to mention in this space, please email us at
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The HeartThread Journal Page 26