The HeartThread Journal - June, 1996 Issue
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* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of
Marriage,
Parenting &
International Family Traditions -
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Vol. 1, No. 6
June 30, 1996
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Published by FutureRealm Productions
* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of Marriage, Parenting & International Family Traditions -
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Vol. 1, No. 6 June 30, 1996
"To promote and encourage the 'thread' of unselfish heart and love
that invisibly connects husbands and wives, parents and children,
and brothers and sisters."
------------------------------
From the Editor
...............
I remember reading an article in the Richmond
Times-Dispatch last year that alleged that in ten years
Virginia would see a crime wave unprecedented in our
local history. It also inferred that other states would
have similar problems.
The reason: today's children, in the eight to ten
year old range, would be coming into adulthood about that
time. The writer predicted that unless dramatic steps
were taken to imbue our current crop of youth with a
heightened sense of morals and values, many of them would
grow into adults with a predilection for crime.
Serious words, to be sure. It hasn't happened yet,
though, and I believe that we can turn things around --
if we act now. Imparting ethics to a whole generation of
children is such a gigantic task that it might even seem
impossible. Since throwing in the towel isn't an option,
what are some of the possibilities in front of us? There
are many group-oriented strategies that will surely prove
very effective, but one particular method stands out from
the rest.
Ultimately, if each set of parents commit themselves
to the "education of heart" of their children, their
children will respond and grow in the right direction.
This requires that the parents not only love and educate
the children, but truly love each other. This issue of
the HTJ highlights ways to increase and revive the love
between husband and wife -- and then parents and
children. As the proverb says, "A long journey starts
with a single step." May we all have great victory in our
families!
Peter F. Brown
Editor & Publisher
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The HeartThread Journal Page 1
TABLE OF CONTENTS
* From the Editor, Peter F. Brown ......................1
* The Significance of Your Spouse,
by Betsy D. Jones ....................................5
* Learning to Be Close,
by Victoria Clevenger.................................8
* Teaching Children About the Creation,
by Mim Kohn .........................................11
* Dad,
by Richard R. Radtke ................................14
* What Goes Into the Mouth ... and What Doesn't!
by Claire Bowles ....................................15
* The Movie Mom's Guide to Movies
and Videos for Families, by Nell Minow ..............18
(Review of The Hunchback of Notre Dame)
* HeartQuestions / Questions & Reflections
about Marriage, Parenting & Family Issues
by Peter F. Brown ...................................20
[Communication: The Conduit for
True Love in Marriage]
* A Legacy of Love, by Kim Korman Brown ...............24
* The HeartThread Resource Guide:
Resources for Couples, Parents & Families ...........28
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The HeartThread Journal Page 2
The HeartThread Journal
is published by FutureRealm Productions
Publisher and Editor - Peter F. Brown
Co-Publisher - Kim Korman Brown
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The HeartThread Journal Page 3
ADVERTISING INFORMATION
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COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
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(C) Copyright 1996 by FutureRealm Productions
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
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or send it by regular mail to the above address.
Letters may be edited for grammar or length.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 4
The Significance of Your Spouse
.................................
by Betsy D. Jones
[Editor's Note: This is an edited version of a talk
that Ms. Jones gave at a marriage seminar.]
An aspect of our spouse that is very important, is
that through our relationship with our spouse, we have an
opportunity to heal ourselves, and make ourselves whole.
There is a current book out on the wisdom of Rabbi
Schneerson, called "Towards a Meaningful Life". He talks
about marriage and childhood and death. One point he
makes is that the Hebrew word for man and woman both
contain the word "fire." He says that men and women,
without God, are like two fires that will consume each
other.
In my own family, my parents went to church on
Sunday, but at our home, there was often disunity. That
disunity would keep the spirit of God out. Disunity
causes damage in the family. I can remember that my first
exposure to marriage counseling came in high school, when
I saw my mother crying in the basement. I went downstairs
and said, "Why are you crying?" She said, "Because your
father has a problem with drinking." I realized that I
had to take care of my parents, so I called for a family
meeting, and tried to help them talk about the problem
with each other, rather than separately. Part of my
father's problem was also related to my mother, perhaps
based on some things she used to say to him, or feel. She
had no awareness of how she played into this.
This really affected me in some way. When I met my
husband, I think I brought a tendency from my family to
make me feel resentment toward my husband. My husband
came from a family where his father left when he was five
years old, so he also had the pain of a broken family.
Because of that, he sometimes needed distance in our
relationship. He didn't come from a very close family. I
came from a closer family. I misunderstood his need for
distance, and sometimes I would feel angry with him for
needing distance. I wanted my husband to want a closer
family unit like I did, and he wanted to have a little
more distance in our family. That was what he was
comfortable with.
The second part of the significance of your mate is
that basically, we are there to re-parent our mates, to
heal our mates of whatever happened in their childhood.
Sometimes you have to think about your mate as your
parent, or as your brother or sister, or sometimes as
your child. In most people, there is an adult part, a
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The HeartThread Journal Page 5
brother or sister part, and then there is the child part.
A problem may occur if, for example, the wife wants to
cry, and she's asking her husband, "Can you be my parent
right now?" Sometimes the husband has to realize, "My
wife feels like a child right now. I have to take care of
her and be like a parent to her."
It's very important to be able to recognize when
your spouse is in need of a parent. There can be a
problem if you get both people at the same time, needing
a parent. Then you get into the problem of, who's going
to budge? You both may be upset; you both may need
someone to listen to you.
If you take time to be the other person's parent,
and are willing to be the other person's parent, then
they can start to grow. And even if for one year, two
years, or three years, you feel you are always the
parent, then you have to believe in the principle of
growth: that over time, that part of your spouse will
grow and develop. The most beautiful thing is to see
couples who can be flexible along the way. They can be
flexible and realize that although each may have need of
a parent, their spouse is so important that they had
better take care of their spouse. This is a really
important point.
The third point I'd like to talk about is the value
of our spouse in maturing our personality. We need our
spouse to mature our personality. Some people think that
if I'm incompatible with my mate, then I had better go
look for another mate. There are some common myths that
many books describe about marriage. One myth says that if
spouses are compatible, good marriages simply happen
spontaneously and require little effort. Because people
think that is true, then when they realize that they
don't get along with their spouse, they think that the
answer is to go out and find someone else. But actually
the most important thing is that there is some value in
not getting along. It's actually an opportunity for
growth.
There are many authors who have written about this.
One very current author is Harville Hendrix, who has
written a book, "Getting the Love You Want". He talks
about the fact that because there is this
incompatibility, people find that after romantic love
goes away, a little bit, they feel, "I'm not sure this
person exactly fits me." But that's actually good,
because then you have to stretch yourself.
Sometimes we make a big thing of incompatibility.
You may think, "This person sees things 100%
differently." My husband and I see everything
differently, and now after 25 years, I'm so grateful that
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The HeartThread Journal Page 6
he always sees things differently. I am a different
person now because I've had such a husband. I have had to
grow, I have had to stretch to make him happy. Now I'm so
grateful for these differences.
It often feels like we are losing something, like we
are giving up our personality. My husband asked me to be
more quiet, when we were first married. Before I was
married, people used to say they liked my personality.
After our marriage, my husband was telling me to be more
quiet. This was something very different from what I had
expected.
It seems to boil down basically to a paradigm shift.
I think most of us go into marriage thinking that we are
going to meet the person who will make us happy. Instead,
we have to think that marriage is really a journey of
commitment to the other person: to heal and serve the
other person. It requires a shift in our thinking. If we
realize that, we can be much happier in our marriages.
I got so upset once in the beginning of our
marriage, when I was sharing my pain, and my husband had
his hand on the door, ready to get out of the car, and he
said, "Are you finished?" I said "No!" We had to learn
that when he's in pain, I need to listen, I need to
comfort him, I need to hold him. And when I'm in pain,
it's the same way. You need to hold each other and
comfort each other, just like a child. Eventually the
crying stops, and the child feels so secure in your love.
We have to help our spouses feel this.
If you think for one minute that you can love your
children as a parent without loving your spouse -- this
is the biggest mistake many people make. They have an
"incompatibility". So they decide that it's O.K. to be
cold to their spouse. "As long as I can love my
children." That's like feeding the children poisoned
milk. Father Hesberg, a Catholic priest, once said, "The
best thing a man can do for his son is to love that boy's
mother."
Through our love for each other we can find the
union of love, and create an atmosphere for our children
to feel secure and to grow in a very healthy way. We are
doing this to set a legacy of true love for our children.
The example of our working out our marriages is the most
powerful tool we have.
....................................................
Betsy D. Jones has a Masters in Education,
in the area of Psychiatric Nursing, and has
been a professional marriage and family counselor
for over twenty years. She and her husband have five
children, and live in upstate New York.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 7
Learning to Be Close
......................
by Victoria Clevenger
Once a group of us were sharing what our idea of
heaven was. We each had some sort of idealistic vision,
but I remember what a philosophy professor from Germany
said: "Heaven is sitting around and laughing with a group
of friends." At the time I thought that was rather
superficial and even limited. However, more and more I
see the "in-touch-with-self-and-the-momentness" behind
what he said.
Barry Kaufman (author of "Son-Rise" and "Happiness
Is A Choice") wrote another beautiful book called "To
Love is to Be Happy With". What a simple way to describe
nourishing, loving closeness.
But if much of our life experience has taught us to
be closed instead of close, we often have to humbly learn
how to create true and joyful intimacy with others -- and
with our own best self. My relationship with my husband
improved a quantum leap when I finally began to allow
myself to learn from him, to practice what Jon Townsend,
an international conflict mediator, calls "The Platinum
Rule": Do unto others as *they* would have you do unto
them.
In my work trying to help teens and preteens make
healthy choices, a bottom line issue is the longing for
emotional intimacy. We all need it, but it's not easy to
achieve. We can learn though.
A friend of mine, Gertrud Yasutake, sent me this
quote from "Raising Self-Reliant Children in a
Self-Indulgent World", by H.Stephen Glenn and Jane
Nelson: "In times of change, learners inherit the earth,
while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to
deal with a world that no longer exists.--Eric Hoffer."
Learning is a profound ability and joy. For me it's
the true entertainment, beside which other more passive
activities seem like junk food. It's growth. It requires
a conscious engaged mind, however, and too often we seem
to be on automatic pilot, with controls that may have
been set generations ago.
Learning and the change that can result also require
courage. Just as in some inner city neighborhoods there
is intense peer pressure against kids doing well in
school, similarly, many of us exist in social and
cultural environs that don't encourage us to rise above
the mediocrity around us.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 8
I'd like to share some wonderful comments from
clinical psychologist, Dr. George Pransky. Though he
specifically is advising parents on how to relate with
their kids, his insight is universally applicable. His
basic assumption is that we all innately have healthy
functioning available to us; we can always access what he
calls our "commonsense", our inner wisdom and creativity,
*if* we are in what he calls a higher, responsive state
of mind vs. a lower or reactive state or mood.
He feels that giving children a warm, forgiving,
lighthearted environment is essential. In such an
environment, the parent and child have close rapport, the
child tends to feel secure and happy, and, like a plant
with plenty of light, warmth, and nutrients, the child
naturally grows to be healthy and happy.
He says our healthy state of mind often becomes
increasingly contaminated as we grow older and we may
even lose touch with it. Then we operate on the lower
levels of conflict and stress -- and devote our time and
energy to coping with those, rather than realizing that
the healthy state is within our reach if we just relax
and let go of our contaminated thinking. When in that
higher state, we naturally do things well, and don't need
parenting "strategies." Our "heart is in the right
place", so to speak.
Kids are often more in touch with this innate wisdom
and creativity, and Dr. Pransky says the best way to help
our children become self-reliant is to encourage them to
connect with and practice this common sense. He advises
us to parent from a deep trust that the child wants to be
good, and if s/he is "misbehaving," it is because
something needs to be learned - either by the child or by
us, or both.
"So when you listen to kids, you can
respect their commonsense, even though they
don't have the experience you do and aren't the
boss. This can lead you to a higher place
possibly, or at least to a meeting of the minds
with your kids, and out of that can come
something better than you've already conceived of.
The wiser people are, the more respect
they have for their kids, and in turn, the
better is their rapport, the more they learn
from their kids, the higher their kids'
self-esteem, and the greater the kids' ability
to use that commonsense. If you don't listen to
them because you "know better" and you don't
let them practice their commonsense and
rapport, then you're leading them away from it
and they'll grow farther away from it like you are.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 9
Inside of everything your kid, or anyone,
says, there will be a grain of truth, and you
have to listen until that grain of truth comes
out and you can say, "Oh yeah, I can relate to
that; I don't agree with it, but I can imagine
a reasonable person saying that." That's when
you respect it. Every interaction you have,
ideally, you get to that point of respect.
Our state of mind affects the quality of
our thinking. The important thing to remember
is that if you clear your mind, you will have a
healthy state of mind. The reactive state of
mind comes from actively contaminating your
healthy state of mind."
His description of three levels of parenting
relationships apply to all relationships:
"The lowest level is where there's
conflict, adversariness between parents and
child; everybody's looking out for their own
interests, and there's no meeting ground of
commonsense or principle, just a tug of war.
This reality has a lot of anger, resentment,
and bitterness toward each other. Kids who grow
up on this level have a chip on their shoulder,
problems with authority, and low self-esteem,
etc.
Second is the reality of stress. This
isn't conflict. This is families that are
basically getting along and improving over
time, but it's stressful...Instead of giving
others the benefit of the doubt, there's a
little suspicion on people's parts. These
families tend to try various "parenting
strategies," but often these just muddle things
up."
The highest level, of warm rapport and closeness,
sounds something like what the German professor called
heaven:
"At this level, there's a certain feeling
of understanding and benefit of the doubt in
the mentality of all parties, so all are
capable of getting a lot out of each
interaction. People don't struggle because when
they see their mind is filled with a lot of
ambivalence, they wait for their mind to clear
so they can operate from a higher state of
mind. Then people spend their time enjoying and
learning from each other, having a good time,
kidding, pipe dreaming and laughing, because
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The HeartThread Journal Page 10
they don't have to spend time dealing with the
fruits of the lower states.
The best indicator of how you are doing as
a parent is how much enjoyment you're getting
from being a parent. Enjoying it means you are
close to your kids, and they have self-esteem
because they see themselves as enjoyable
instead of a hassle. When you are laughing,
it's easier to have access to your commonsense.
That's why a lot of people who are excellent
parents will say it's really easy.
This common sense wisdom is available in
everyone, and when accessed, it's one of the
most powerful forces in the human experience."*
Learning to be close to others and to our own truest
self requires humility and courage. It requires going
beyond an adversarial approach -- "I'm right/you're
wrong" -- and recognizing that all of us are innately
precious people.
* "The Commonsense Parenting Series"
George S. Pransky, MFCC, Ph.D.
PO Box 498, La Conner, WA 98257, (206) 466-5200.
Reprinted by permission from
"Heartwing" Autumn/Winter '94/'95
................................................
Victoria Clevenger is the Editor and Publisher of
"HeartWing", a family oriented newsletter.
You can email her at "hrtwing@pacifier.com,
or write to: 12715 NE 7th Place, Vancouver, WA 98684
* * * * * * * *
Teaching Children About the Creation
......................................
by Mim Kohn
It was many years ago, and I was working with
preschoolers (between 3 and 6 years old) in a day care
center in Orange, New Jersey. It was autumn, and we took
lots of walks together because I loved being out of the
building on crisp autumn days. We'd walk along, singing
our favorite songs (or perhaps my favorite songs!),
kicking up dried fallen leaves, and I began picking up
maple seed pods, the kind with wings, and sticking them
on my nose. (The real fun of being with children is that
you can laugh and play and enjoy yourself - like you
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The HeartThread Journal Page 11
probably haven't done since you were a child!) The
children, of course, all started copying me, and soon we
were all wearing and blowing the maple wings all over the
place. I showed the kids the seeds inside the "wings" and
then we became fascinated with how seeds travel - the
magical way that God works to make sure that His creation
works also.
I got a book out of the library about how seeds
travel, and we were captivated by the hitchhikers (the
ones like burrs that stick on your clothing), the
wind-travelers, and so on. It was great fun. Then I
showed the kids the orange seeds that were in our snack
oranges, and we put them on the science table to dry.
Before you knew it, all the children were saving the
seeds from their breakfast grapefruits and oranges - and
all the mothers wondered what was up, because suddenly
they didn't dare to throw away the seeds. More and more
seeds came to school to be dried on our science table and
then planted, and I learned a few important lessons. The
first was that I love science - at least studying about
creation, and the second, that when I'm with children,
they tend to love what I love. Years later, I realized we
all loved it because God was so much present in our study
of living, growing things.
A Curriculum Based on Creation
*******************************
A year ago, when we wanted to plan a curriculum with
structure, substance and meaning that would last for
several months, I remembered my love of science,
remembered how the kids were fascinated with it, and
remembered how much the essence of Heavenly Father had
been in that study. The idea of developing a curriculum
based on Creation was born. Why not study things in the
order that God created them? After all, He created them
for us - what joy it must give Him to have us study and
learn about and appreciate them as His gifts to us. And
it worked just that way!
We decided to structure our Creation study just the
way that Heavenly Father did, spreading it out over many
weeks. We opened the study by talking about Heavenly
Father and why He wanted to create us, and then why He
created the wonderful universe that He did just for us.
I've found, with chldren, that if I stimulate them just a
little, their original minds pop into place quickly, and
they start figuring out all the answers to all the
questions that I was going to ask almost before I can ask
them. After our introduction, the stage was set, and we
decided to go straight into our study following the same
pattern that Heavenly Father used when He unfolded
Creation, day by day.
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We Studied the Creation Around Us
**********************************
We started with a study of air, water, heat, and
light the first week, and we did lots of hands-on
experiments. You remember the kind - tipping a glass in a
tank to watch the air bubbles escape; blowing up a
balloon and letting it go, with the escaping air
propelling it; blowing bubbles with a straw; making
Sunshine tea in a large jar; and making a cloud form - my
very favorite. We all loved watching the cloud form. We
made our cloud in a large jar with hot water in it, and
by putting a large block of ice over the opening, you can
actually watch the cloud begin to form inside the jar.
The kids learned the oxygen/carbon dioxide cycle between
humans and plants, and they learned the wonder of the
give and take creation that God has made. As they
explored the invisibility and reality of air, we talked
about the invisibility and reality of Heavenly Father and
His love. It fit.
We studied the seasons and made a weather station.
We studied growing things and planted seeds and did
multiple experiments with them to show the effects of
deprivation of sunlight, water, love, etc. We did
"exotic" food-tasting, potato prints, and wrote poems
about the Creation. We studied animals, and then man
himself. We explored the five senses, and the digestive
system, then began our grand finale - a study of man in
relationship to man - in a family, a society, a nation
and the world. We studied cultures and their similarities
and differences. We delighted the parents when we told
them not to make lunch for the day because we were
cooking an Oriental, Spanish, French or all-American
meal. And when I say "we", I mean the teachers and
children together: choosing the menu, planning and
cooking the meal, and cleaning up - all together. So what
did we learn, and what do I want to impart to you, as
parents?
We learned, each and every one of us, that the
children are capable of far more than we usually realize,
and as much as we can expect of them - provided we, like
Heavenly Father, did and explained things in an orderly
and simple way. The real trick to finding out if you
understand something is to try to explain it to a 4 or 5
year old. If you can simplify your terms and concepts
enough for them to understand - you've probably got a
pretty clear grasp of it yourself.
.................................................
Mim Kohn has worked in
children's education, and has supervised
several day care centers over the past 25 years.
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Dad
.....
by Richard R. Radtke
My Father was a large man, at least as I remember
him. He has been gone now for over nine years. It seemed
his arms were strong enough to lift almost anything. Of
course I suppose that through the eyes of a ten year old
everyone seemed large, but to me, my father was bigger
than life. He loved to grow things. If I close my eyes I
can still see him out there working away in his cherished
garden, in the hot afternoon sun, the sweat running down
his creased, wind-burned face.
He grew up a farmer's son, north of Akron, Iowa, and
worked the fields in his youth. When he was fifteen or
sixteen, I can't really recall exactly, he went out on
his own and worked as a cook for the construction crews,
building the Alaskan highway. Shortly after that World
War Two started and Dad enlisted in the Navy, spending
his time aboard the submarine, "U.S.S. Balao", in the
Pacific Theater of Operations. Maybe that is where his
skin became so wind-blown, or perhaps it was the work in
the fields of the family farm. I'm sure the muscles were
at least started on their growth in the farm fields of
Iowa. They reached their peak on the waves of the
Pacific.
I don't recall my Father ever talking much about his
youth on the farm. It seemed as though it was something
he was ashamed of. All we heard of the war were bits and
pieces, usually told to us through eyes that were misty
with tears, and a voice suddenly cracking at the end.
There wasn't any glory in war for Dad. For him there were
only long, lonely days of patrol, broken by moments of
terror that lasted an eternity. There were friends that
died, during and since, although I think everyone that
has served in wars died just a little. For him the war
was not glory and God, but the actions of a teenager
praying to live through it and then get home.
Dad didn't go to college, but he was much smarter
than many that have. He had his own values and morals,
something that so many people seem to lack these days. He
believed in hard work and that stealing was wrong. He
would give the shirt off of his back to help when he
could, because as he used to say, "What goes around,
comes around." He took the time to enjoy life -- simple
things like fishing in the cool of the night, or just
sitting on the porch and watching as the world rushed by.
He begrudged no one their own good fortune -- indeed
he was there to congratulate them. When someone felt the
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The HeartThread Journal Page 14
hand of tragedy touch their life, again he was there to
do what he could. His children and family came first,
many times to his own detriment. He was a man, perhaps
not any better than any before him, or after. More than
anything, he was my Dad, and I will feel myself fulfilled
if someday my own children will remember me with the same
love that I still feel for him.
As I said before, my father is gone now, much too
soon, with many, many things unsaid, and dreams
unfulfilled. For my part I have one regret that, above
all others, I will bear for the rest of my life. I cannot
remember ever telling my dad that I loved him. I am sure
that I did, but I just don't remember the times or the
places. Perhaps when we were fishing, or camping, or
maybe just sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee -- I
really don't know. I know that he knew that I loved him,
just as I knew he loved me, but he was of the generation
where things were assumed and not said, i.e. "I am your
dad, you are my son, therefore I love you."
I suppose it is partially because of this sense of
regret or loss that I take every opportunity I can with
my boys to tell them that I love them and that I always
will. Then I make them promise to never forget, and they
promise. Over the few short years of their lives, it has
become a standard of sorts, uttered in passing, or
greeting, mainly at bed-time, but never losing its
meaning through overuse. Granted, to you it may sound
silly, or perhaps even a bit strange. But of this I am
sure, no matter what happens, over time Willis and Ethan
will know that above all else their father loves them,
and always will...
.......................................
Richard R. Radtke is a dad and a writer
* * * * * * * *
What Goes Into the Mouth ... and What Doesn't!
................................................
by Claire Bowles
Guilt is a part of parenthood. We all feel it; we
can't escape it; it pervades our emotions. There are only
three or four occasions in our lives when we are given
reason to believe that we are pretty good parents.
1) Directly after the birth of our baby, but before
the first attempt at breastfeeding; 2) when someone
else's child does something really awful in public; and
3) at the marriage ceremony of our first-born.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 15
Any other time in our life there is the gentle, but
constant whispering reminder or our inadequacy: guilt.
Nothing causes guilt more readily, with more
guilt-gusto than the eating habits of our young...even
for non-Jewish parents. When they eat well, we feel a
sense of well-being. We feel a momentary abatement of the
feeling of guilt. If they don't eat, or eat the wrong
things, we feel a jolt in our guilt register that remains
there until the meal (or non-meal) is over.
I know mine aren't the only kids who don't eat real
food. I'm sure this is a common complaint among most
parents, but I don't believe there are any kids worse
than mine in this department. They seem to believe that
if you can't dunk it in ketchup or you can't pour milk
over it, then it can't be eaten.
When they come to the table there are the expected
reactions from the three older ones (the baby doesn't
count since she is happy to play with any kind of food.)
The nine year old gets angry. "You just don't WANT me to
eat." I usually reply something like, "Yes, that's right.
I spend my nights devising ways to torture you." My eight
year old looks at the table and runs back upstairs to
hide under his bed. My six year old has a very special
way of telling me that what she is looking at is NOT a
plate of french fries: remember when the Bride of
Frankenstein saw the Frankenstein monster for the first
time? That's about the same expression.
I, in order to assuage my guilt, have become very
sneaky in the kitchen. I am passing on to you some of my
sneaky recipes which have proven consistently to fool my
kids into eating veggies without their knowing it. These
are secret recipes, not to be passed down to the next
generation until they have kids of their own. Preferably
not until they come to you in throes of guilt and
frustration about the eating habits of THEIR young.
Sneaky Shakes
*************
Use a juicer or the juicer connection of a food
processor and juice four or five bright orange, rather
small carrots. The bigger ones are not as sweet and could
be noticed...which defeats the purpose. Discard the
carrot pulp. Blend the carrot juice in with a quart of
orange sherbet. Add between one half and one cup of milk.
Try not to let the kids catch you juicing the carrots,
but if you do, just tell them that's how you make the
shakes orange. If you've gotten away with it easily and
everyone loves it, add a carrot or two more next time.
Makes about 4 mugs-full.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 16
Sneaky Burgers
**************
Grate three or four smallish zucchini (peeled and
very finely grated) into a mixing bowl. Add two or three
pounds of ground meat. Smoosh it together with an egg (so
it will stick together) and a handful or two of quick
oats or bread crumbs. Make patties and fry in a few
tablespoons of oil. If you want to make double sure that
the veggies aren't detected, melt some cheese over the
burgers. Use as much zucchini as you think you can get
away with. Carrots also work but are a little more
visible. Z-burgers actually make the burgers juicier. The
grown-ups at our house like them better than plain
hamburgers.
Sneaky Cornbread
****************
Add three or four finely grated carrots to your
usual cornbread recipe. There is usually one recipe on
the bag of cornmeal, if you need one. The only change is
to add a little bit more baking powder (about a teaspoon
more than called for.) If the kids catch you, tell them
it's to make the cornbread yellow (if you haven't used
that line already with the shakes.) If you don't like to
lie to your kids, tell them the truth. They won't be able
to taste the carrots and you'll add a little extra honey
on their piece.
Sneaky Cake
***********
3 beaten eggs, 1 cup oil (you can use a little less
if you're adding chocolate chips), 1 cup sugar, 2 finely
grated zucchini, 2 tsps vanilla, 3 cups of flour (use a
portion of whole wheat if desired) 1 tsp of salt (you can
use less), 1 tsp of baking soda, 1 tsp of cinnamon, 1/2
tsp baking powder (increase to 1 tsp if using whole wheat
flour), 1/4 cup (more or less) chocolate chips. I use
minichips because they are practically impossible to pick
out and eat separately. Blueberries can be substituted
for chocolate chips very successfully. Just coat them
with a little flour before folding them in at the very
last moment.
Mix the first five ingredients together in a large
mixing bowl. Sift the next five ingredients into the
mixture and stir until blended well. Add chips if you're
using them. Add a splash of milk if you need more
moisture. Batter will be thick. Bake at 325 degrees for
an hour or until springy. Cupcakes take less time.
If you're using blueberries instead of chips, it's
nice to sprinkle a little sugar over the cake before
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The HeartThread Journal Page 17
baking. This recipe works just as well with carrots.
Peeling the zucchini helps prevent veggie detection but
this cake is so good that the kids won't even care that
there are veggies in it...unless they are worse than even
MY kids. In that case, don't let them catch you baking
this cake.
I hope these recipes help you in your fight to get
good food into your kids. If I have done something to at
least give you a guilt-free meal, I'm happy.
...........................................
Claire Bowles and her husband John
live in Oklahoma with their four children.
She is a freelance writer and a gardener.
* * * * * * * *
The Movie Mom's Guide
to Movies and Videos for Families
...................................
by Nell Minow
Reviews for parents of the best of current films and
old movies available on video and cable, by Nell Minow,
author, film critic, and mother. Reviews [on the Movie
Mom web page, see address below] will be updated each
week with recommendations and replies to questions about
movies on special topics, suitability of particular
movies for children, and movie trivia -- try to stump me!
I'd also love your suggestions for a new book on movies
for families. The best kids' comments I receive will be
published.
RECOMMENDED
***********
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
...........................
An uncomfortable mixture of a story of cruelty,
obsession, and bigotry with stunning animation and some
kid-friendly jokes makes this latest Disney release for
older kids only. Don't let the lunchboxes and fast food
trinkets fool you -- even with a sort of happy ending
tacked on (Quasimodo doesn't die, but he doesn't get the
girl, either) this is a very dark and complex story, and
without much interest or appeal for younger kids.
Judge Frollo is about to kill a misshapen baby when
he is stopped by a priest. He raises the baby, Quasimodo,
in the Notre Dame cathedral, telling him he must never
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The HeartThread Journal Page 18
leave, and that people outside are evil. When Quasimodo
(voice of Tom Hulce of "Amadeus") does leave, to enjoy
the annual "Festival of Fools," he is taunted by the
crowd. Only Esmerelda, the gypsy girl (voice of Demi
Moore), is kind to him.
Frollo plans to destroy all the gypsies. His
attraction to Esmerelda makes him all the more committed
to getting rid of her. Quasimodo helps her escape, and
falls in love with her. Phoebus (voice of Kevin Kline),
the captain who reports to Frollo, refuses to kill the
citizens, and Frollo orders him killed, too. Phoebus and
Quasimodo help save the day, Phoebus and Esmerelda fall
in love, and Quasimodo is welcomed into the outside
world.
The movie can provide an opportunity for a
discussion of prejudice. Quasimodo and Esmerelda sing
about what it feels like to be an outcast, and the scene
where he is sarcastically crowned king at the Festival of
Fools is a painful one. But I am not sure it is much
better when his gargoyle friends sing a song to cheer him
up, letting him believe he may have a chance with
Esmerelda. And the conclusion seems to say to us that
those who are different to look at really can't expect as
much as those who look like handsome Phoebus. For older
kids, the movie can also lead to a discussion about
Frollo's view of the world that people are basically
evil, versus Esmerelda and Quasimodo, who think that
people are basically good, and what makes people so
threatened by those who are different.
NOT RECOMMENDED
***************
The Nutty Professor
...................
Let the kids watch a video of the Jerry Lewis
classic, but don't take them to this Eddie Murphy update.
It's a shame, because Murphy is talented and funny, but
the movie is much too raunchy for kids. I have had more
outraged emails on this than every movie I have reviewed
in the last year.
Cable Guy
.........
One of the "highlights" of this film is a
porno-password game. The "Ace Ventura" movies had
inappropriate material but Ace was an endearing
character. Here Jim Carrey's title character is a dark
and twisted guy bent on destroying the life of a customer
-- sort of like a cross between "The Cat in the Hat" and
Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction."
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The HeartThread Journal Page 19
NEW ON VIDEO / HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
*********************************
Kids for Character
..................
Tom Selleck and many of preschoolers' favorite TV
figures like Barney, Miss Frizzle of the Magic Schoolbus,
the Puzzle Place kids and Sheri Lewis explain concepts
like trustworthiness, fairness, caring, and citizenship
in this entertaining and enlightening video. It comes
with a workbook to help parents reinforce the ideas, and
serves as a starting point for discussions of values.
The Wrong Trousers - and - A Fine Day Out
.........................................
Both by Oscar-winner Nick Parks. These are
claymation masterpieces, thrilling, witty, and enormous
fun. Both feature dim inventor Wallace and his silent but
wise dog, Gromit. In "A Fine Day Out," Wallace decides
that he fancies some cheese, so he builds a rocket ship
to the moon. The cheese is delightful, but there is a
slight problem when they meet up with a robot with his
own ideas. In "The Wrong Trousers," one of Wallace's
inventions, mechanical trousers designed for walking
Gromit, are rewired by a wicked penguin who turns out to
be a master thief. Kids may need a moment to get used to
Wallace's English accent, but all family members will
enjoy the fun.
...............................................
The Movie Mom's Guide is on the web at:
http://pages.prodigy.com/moviemom/moviemom.html
"Movie Mom" is a trademark of Nell Minow
* * * * * * * *
- HeartQuestions -
Questions & Reflections about
Marriage, Parenting & Family Issues
-------------------------------------
Communication: The Conduit for True Love in Marriage
......................................................
by Peter F. Brown
When a husband and wife pledge themselves in
marriage, isn't it true that both are yearning for a long
and happy relationship of true love together? Their
honeymoon isn't over yet, and they both entertain a
natural hope that their love will continue and grow.
After their honeymoon, couples may feel like they
both have been thrown into a gigantic washing machine,
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The HeartThread Journal Page 20
bumping and jabbing against each other. They discover
that they're often quite different, with different
expectations about marriage, and life in general. Only
their tenuous love for each other holds them together.
How can a couple's initial love for each other
strengthen until they love and understand each other in
such a comprehensive way that they become as inseparable
as two halves of a round rubber ball? The two halves of a
round rubber ball are more than "knit" together --
they're "melded" into one unit, with the particles of
rubber bonded into one cohesive whole. This doesn't mean
that the individuality of the husband and wife is lost.
Indeed, both must become emotionally strong, mature
individuals in order to love each other with unselfish
and responsible love.
Newly married couples usually aren't at that stage
of unity. Even more to the point, do they want to be, or
have they thought about reaching that level of harmony
with each other? The goal of two hearts unbreakably
unified into one is a goal that needs to be clearly
established when the marriage is still young and the
couple's wounds are few. When a husband and wife are head
over heels in love with each other, they want to be
together all the time. This is normal, for why would we
want to separate from someone if we really love them?
Unfortunately, many young couples don't think about this
particular goal. Even more unfortunately, the means to
reach this goal are often not examined until difficulties
arise. The time to start creating a deeper relationship
of true love is long before the couple has reached a
crisis.
Simply stated, the ongoing exchange of true
unselfish love between the husband and wife will multiply
their feelings of true love for each other until they
really do feel that they share one mind and one heart.
The key phrase, from the point of view of mechanics, is
"ongoing exchange". One might compare this exchange to an
active "conduit", much like an electrical line, that
provides a pathway for the give and take of love. If the
couple allows their exchange of true love to wither away,
their relationship will ultimately become cold and
sterile, simply because love requires this dynamic
exchange and acknowledgment.
How can a husband and wife effectively exchange true
love? Although some husbands try to get away with being
the strong silent type, I believe that the innermost
selves of the husband and wife need to meet and unite in
order to build an honest and true relationship. What are
the elements of a couple's "innermost selves"? We all
think, we feel, we have desires -- we all yearn for love.
Yet how many husbands and wives delve into each other's
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The HeartThread Journal Page 21
thoughts and feelings and desires? How many have
business-like relationships that never really go that
deep? How many have secrets that they don't share with
each other? How many feel free to tell their spouse about
the most sensitive areas of their heart?
Building a relationship of true love with our
husband or wife should go beyond the varied expressions
of love such as smiles or flowers, or words like "I love
you." These are all valuable and inspiring. But, after
giving a gift to our spouse, can we then say that we know
his or her heart, or thoughts, or feelings? Not
necessarily. We can communicate our thoughts and feelings
through actions or facial expressions -- but ultimately,
as rational people who think about many abstract concepts
such as eternal love and invisible hopes and dreams, we
need to express our hearts through words. We need to
talk. Talking, not surprisingly, doesn't happen
automatically. Some couples say that they have no time to
talk with each other. It's true that schedules may be
overloaded, but how much is a marriage of true love
worth? Couples can communicate anywhere, whether it be at
home, or in the car, or with the children playing in the
next room.
My wife and I talk every day, about every
conceivable thing. Nothing is off limits -- there are no
secrets between us. We know each other's problems and
weak points. We also know each other's hopes and dreams,
down to every nuance and tender feeling. We talk
sometimes for hours, late into the night. We talk about
our work, our schedules, our daily tasks. But most of
all, we talk about heart and feelings and true love
itself. We've bared our hearts to each other entirely.
This required a great deal of trust, which took a
number of years to develop. How many times have you
shared your innermost heart with a friend and had it
trampled upon? It's happened to me, and it's very
unpleasant. My wife has never done that, for which I am
profoundly grateful. Kim is my best friend, beyond any
other friend that I have -- and I have many friends whom
I like very, very much. I know that my heart is safe with
Kim. My trust in her love is limitless.
I also know that Kim and I have many faults, and our
love is still very far below the standard of true
unselfish love. Therefore, we still have problems. I hurt
her feelings, and she hurts mine -- which unfortunately
leads to "incidents", as we euphemistically call them.
These incidents of anger and hurt sometimes last two or
three hours, although they're usually shorter. Overcoming
them always requires mutual apologies and heartfelt
repentance toward each other. We're committed to each
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The HeartThread Journal Page 22
other forever, and are equally committed to the view that
when it comes to an argument, "true love is the boss."
Through it all, we've begun to realize more and more
that ongoing communication -- when we feel warm and
harmonious toward each other -- is the key to truly
understanding each other. I want to know every aspect of
Kim's thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams. I want
her to know mine, as well. I believe that in the future
we really will become like two halves of a round rubber
ball, virtually telepathic in our understanding of each
other's hearts and minds.
Our culture hasn't lent itself very well to this
type of communication. Communication is more than the
external exchange of words. We can work with someone for
many years, and never really know what they think or feel
when it comes to the all-important topic of true love.
Husbands are often very embarrassed by this topic, and
may not know how to start communicating about their
innermost hearts. Wives have a chance here to reach deep
down into their husband's hearts and minds and help
create an environment where communicating about internal
things is very natural and very comfortable. Amidst an
atmosphere of mutual kindness, respect, and plain good
manners, trust can build, and the couple's hearts can
open to each other in new ways.
It's a process that will happen gradually, based
upon the couple's efforts to communicate constantly, on a
daily basis, about everything. Heart and love will
naturally fit in, after the ice has been broken. The
vital ingredient is that the couple's communication
should cover every aspect of their lives. I am endlessly
teased by some of my friends because I call Kim at least
twice a day when I am traveling. But I would have it no
other way, for calling her, and sharing our thoughts and
hearts together, is the most natural thing for me to do.
I do it because I like her, I love her, and I truly enjoy
her company. I want to talk with her, because the more I
talk and communicate with her, the more I love her. And
love, as I tell our four children, makes everyone
involved very, very happy.
........................................................
Peter F. Brown is the author of the book,
"Striving for Parental Love" and lives in
Virginia Beach, VA with his wife Kim and their
four children, Tymon, Thea Grace, Ranin and Tadin
HeartQuestions is published as a weekly column on
The HeartThread Resource Page at:
"http://futurerealm.com"
Send your questions by email to:
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com"
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The HeartThread Journal Page 23
A Legacy of Love
..................
by Kim Korman Brown
One night when I was seventeen, my mother came up
the stairs to my room after she had watched the movie, "I
Remember Mama", on TV. She cried and put her arms around
me and said, "I hope you remember me, Kim."
"Of course I'll remember you. I love you. You're my
mom," I said, as I returned her embrace. I was a little
shocked, but now, from the vantage point of being over
forty, I understand her. She was in her early fifties at
the time, and I think she was looking into the precipice
of her own mortality. She looked so sad as she said,
"Your father and I only have about fifteen years left." I
think it was the first time she ever made herself totally
vulnerable in front of me. She died of cancer about ten
years after that, at the age of 61. There are no words to
describe how much I miss her.
One of the places where the rubber hits the road, so
to speak, when one's parents are deceased, is not being
able to share one's children with them. There are so many
anecdotes I want to tell my mom and dad that would make
them laugh or cry. Other times I would love to know what
their thoughts and experiences were in different
situations.
When we grow up, we can finally appreciate what
difficulties our parents suffered in raising us. Life
turns full circle. Ideally by then, parents and children
should be able to relate on the same level. When I think
about my parents now, it seems that most of the painful
memories tend to settle on the bottom like silt in a
pond. The happy memories outshine everything else.
I am fortunate enough to have been raised in a home
with a lot of affection and laughter. We were very
expressive both in a positive and negative sense. My dad
was a navy veteran with a sailor's vocabulary. He salted
the atmosphere of our home whenever the short fuse of his
temper was lit, which happened almost every day. When I
think of him now, I try to remember that his mother died
when he was about five years old, and he was raised by
grandparents who weren't very thrilled to have him. His
primary childhood memory was being served the turkey neck
on Thanksgiving.
He was rather inarticulate, like many men, and found
it difficult to discuss his feelings with anyone but my
mother. But he was always there, punctual, dependable,
and funny. We were very close when I was little. He read
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The HeartThread Journal Page 24
to me and held me on his lap and took me with him places.
When I became a teenager we didn't relate well anymore. I
needed to communicate about the details of life more, and
he was limited in his ability to respond.
My mom was a woman without enemies. She had a sunny,
sympathetic nature and took a compassionate view of
things. She was always saying, "You love your friends in
spite of their faults," and "Maybe the reason that that
person is crabby is because they had a rotten life and it
colors their viewpoint about everything," and "It's not
worth it to fight. Kill 'em with kindness." My mom was
the kind of mother that other kids liked. I have numerous
memories of sitting at the kitchen table with my friends
and my mom, talking about life. She made friends
everywhere she went and corresponded with all of them
whenever we moved. She choked the post office at
Christmas time with the amount of cards she sent
(complete with personal notes!). She also had a beautiful
smile.
We lived in the country in upstate NY when I was a
child. My parents were big nature lovers -- they
subscribed to all the conservation magazines and watched
nature shows on TV. They knew the names of all the birds
that fed at our numerous feeders and birdbaths. "Look
Fen, it's a Downy Woodpecker!" "Look Iris, it's an
Evening Grosbeak!" We took many hikes in the woods and I
was emphatically taught to "Shut up when you're walking
in the woods and you might see something!"
Going on vacation to Cape Cod was probably the best
fun with my parents. Something about the texture of
vacation was good for them and imbued them with good
humor. Real blueberry pancakes on a picnic table under
the pine cones, sand under our bare toes, the slap of
water against the boats and docks, all seemed to
irradicate their stress. We met with the same family
every summer. Ed was my dad's childhood buddy from
"Hungry Hill", the Irish section of Springfield
Massachusetts. His wife, Ruth, was a freelance writer and
they had a son, Ned, who was four years older than me.
Everybody was a comedian in their own right, so
there was a lot of chuckling and needling and friendly
teasing. My dad and Ed both worked for insurance
companies. They would go fishing and talk about the fish
or about insurance, and were generally boring to listen
to. My mother caught up on all the latest news with Ruth,
and they invited me to listen in. At home Ruth did yoga
in her spare time, or went to her friend Olive's antique
shop where they pushed around a Ouija board. Ruth told
kooky anecdotes, reminisced with my mom, and shared a
hilarious running commentary on her relatives.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 25
We played cards, or listened to the bullfrogs in the
evening, or drove to the ocean which was a short trip
from the small lake resort. The time was cozy and sweet
with no sense of worry or agitation.
Everyone has memories of their childhood -- some are
beautiful and some are sad. My family was very emotional,
and my parents yelled at me a lot when I was growing up.
When I transformed into an archetypal,
smart-aleck-brand-teenager, I mocked my parents when they
yelled at me and then they slapped me silly. Those
memories are painful. Despite their mistakes I know they
tried to love me and tried to do the right thing. I am
certain of that, because all I feel when I think of them
now, is how much I miss them.
My older brother called me one New Year's Eve a
couple of years ago. I could tell that his tonsils were
well-oiled, as my father used to say, because his speech
was slurry and he was very sentimental. "You remember
that birthday party when I was 10 years old, and you were
all singing Happy Birthday to me? I remember feeling so
happy and all that love washing over me -- you remember
that? You remember that?" (I was 3 at the time, so I
didn't really remember.) He got choked up and the
conversation moved on, but I thought about it later.
My brother and my father didn't get along. He left
home and joined the army when he was 18 (I was 11 then),
and then he only saw my parents twice after that before
they died. There was a lot of unresolved pain on both
sides. After that conversation, I realized that my
brother's good memories were rising to the surface of his
heart. The misunderstanding and the James Dean "Rebel
Without a Cause" debris was subsiding. He wanted to
remember the love. The rest of it didn't matter anymore.
I love the fact that God gave humanity this quality.
Once we forgive the past and let go of the pain, the
"real stuff" distills and rises to the top. Sometimes
I've heard old people speak about their childhood. They
remember the way their mother looked making dinner, and
what the whole family was like as they sat down for a
meal. They might be the last remaining member of their
family, but the essence of those moments remain,
suspended in time. A soldier dying on a battlefield calls
out for his mother, his inmost-self gravitating to the
one who loved him the most.
Peter and I spend hours talking about how to raise
our children. The thing we tell them more than anything,
that applies to almost every situation, is what Peter
calls the "rule of heart." "Never make anyone sad, and
always make other people happy. Treat people better than
you want to be treated." It's so basic, but it says it
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The HeartThread Journal Page 26
all. I want my children to grow up with warm hearts
toward others, and the ability to laugh in the face of
gloom.
The challenge parents face is that there are a
multitude of mistakes we can make while parenting, and
they are hard to foresee until you're in the saddle. I
feel like I'm winging it a lot of the time, but I believe
that prayer and the determination to never stop trying
are vital components for success.
Family closeness also requires family fun. Belly
laughs together, smiling into the eyes of our children --
and our children smiling back at us, all build a sense of
closeness. We can love our children, but how great it is
if we like them too! Beyond loving them, do we respect
them and the gifts they bring to the mix? I just read an
interview with Goldie Hawn in a women's magazine. One of
her children said they laughed more and had more fun at
home than anywhere else. Creating a home filled with
laughter and joy is a wonderful legacy to pass on to our
children. Creating that legacy requires more than a dose
of humor -- naturally!
........................................
Kim Korman Brown is a writer and a Mom,
living in Virginia Beach, Virginia
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The HeartThread Journal Page 27
The HeartThread Resource Guide
- Resources for Couples, Parents & Families -
...............................................
If you have any books, products, services, seminars,
or other helpful items that you would like us
to mention in this space, please email us at
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com".
Ad spaces are 23 character wide x 18 lines long.
Submissions should be formatted correctly and emailed.
This advertising space is FREE for a limited time.
Items do not have to fall within specific categories,
but we do reserve the right to selectively approve
any and all advertisements.
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| Mother Linda's | WeeBodies | Custom Birth |
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| memo line. | | Toledo, OH 43614 |
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The HeartThread Journal Page 28
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| Fit For 2 Step Aerobic | "Sex and Love: Teaching | "Angels Bar & Grill" |
| Workout For Pregnancy | Our Children in the Age | by Richard Panzer |
| Video | of AIDS" | |
| | by Richard Panzer | New comic book. College |
| The video is a | | students, Bill & Sandy, |
| variable-intensity, | A 60 page booklet which | after Woodstock II, |
| high-energy 60-minute | discusses different | encounter Malcolm X, |
| program led by | approaches to AIDS and | Marilyn Monroe, Sigmund |
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| (http://www.nav.com/ | P.O. Box 97, | $2.95 + $2 S&H |
| mainstreet/fitfor2.htm) | Westwood, NJ 07675 USA | (see other ad for addr) |
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| "Striving for Parental | "The HeartThread | High Quality Websites |
| Love - A Practical | Seminar" on Marriage, | for Businesses and |
| Guide on Giving | Parenting & Family | Non-Profits |
| Parental Love to | | |
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| printed 3rd Ed. high- | by Peter F. Brown. | (GEN) you can do it! |
| lights "heart" of | For more information, | Email Peter F. Brown at |
| parenting and family. | call FutureRealm | "peterbrown@ |
| $10.95 + $3.00 S&H | Productions at: | futurerealm.com" |
| (VA res. add .045% tax) | (804) 468-6848 or visit | or call (804) 468-6848! |
| Send US Bank Check or | our web site at: | FutureRealm Productions |
| Money Order to: | "http://futurerealm.com"| also does web design |
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The HeartThread Journal Page 29