The HeartThread Journal - February, 1996 Issue
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* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of
Marriage,
Parenting &
International Family Traditions -
----------------------------------
Vol. 1, No. 2
February 15, 1996
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(C) Copyright 1996 FutureRealm Productions
* The HeartThread Journal *
- The Journal of Marriage, Parenting & International Family Traditions -
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Vol. 1, No. 2 February 15, 1996
"To promote and encourage the 'thread' of unselfish heart and love
that invisibly connects husbands and wives, parents and children,
and brothers and sisters."
------------------------------
From the Editor
...............
As I wipe my brow and prepare to email this second
issue to all of you, our dearly beloved readers, I'm
feeling quite inspired that Issue #2 is finally out the
door. The second issue of anything always seems to be a
hurdle. I love challenges, though, and I offer my
gratitude to all of our writers, and to our many new
subscribers that have signed on over the past month.
The HeartThread Journal, or "HTJ" (as I've begun to
call it) promises to be rather eclectic in its articles.
The core theme of "heart" will make HTJ unique. Some of
our articles or columns will come from scholars, but many
will be written by moms or dads or couples fighting it
out in the trenches.
To balance "heart" with practicality, we'll include
articles about external needs, such as this issue's
article on Babysitting Co-ops. (Followed by something
even more practical -- a recipe for very yummy carrot
cake.)
The bottom line mission of HTJ will be to search for
ways to build marriages and families of true love, and to
support that effort in any way we can. If you've got an
article, story, testimony, or commentary that you want to
share, email me at "peterbrown@futurerealm.com".
Peter F. Brown
Editor & Publisher
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The HeartThread Journal Page 1
TABLE OF CONTENTS
* From the Editor, Peter F. Brown ......................1
* Do Children Need Music? by Olga S. Hardman ...........5
* Growing Together in Your First Year of Marriage,
by Wendy Vidlak ......................................8
* Babysitting Co-Ops, by Greta Ward ...................10
* Mother Linda's Carrot Cake ..........................13
* To Work or Not to Work, by C.J. Spalding ............14
* Parental Love is Eternal, by Peter F. Brown .........16
* The Movie Mom's Guide to Movies
and Videos for Families, by Nell Minow ..............19
(Review of Mr. Holland's Opus)
* HeartQuestions, Q&A about Marriage, Parenting
& Family Issues, by Peter F. Brown ..................21
[Helping Your Child Overcome Shyness;
Children and Dating]
* Ranin and the Red Thumb (a true story),
by Kim Korman Brown .................................23
* The HeartThread Resource Guide,
Resources for Couples, Parents & Families ...........25
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The HeartThread Journal Page 2
The HeartThread Journal
is published by FutureRealm Productions
Publisher and Editor - Peter F. Brown
Co-Publisher - Kim Korman Brown
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or you can call us at: (804) 468-6848
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WRITERS ARE ALWAYS NEEDED
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If you want to write for The HeartThread Journal,
we will be happy to review your article, column or story.
Please review our "Writers Guidelines" on our web page,
and email us your proposal or actual work.
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The HeartThread Journal Page 3
ADVERTISING INFORMATION
***********************
Advertising products or services of value or interest
to parents, couples or families is encouraged.
Brief textual advertisements will appear in the
"HeartThread Resource Guide" at the end of this journal.
For a limited time, advertisements will be FREE.
When this special advertising promotion ends,
advertising rates will be published.
FREE ADVERTISING FOR AUTHORS
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COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
*********************
All materials contained herein are
(C) Copyright 1996 by FutureRealm Productions
except for individual articles and columns,
which are Copyrighted by their respective authors.
Individual authors retain all rights to their articles,
unless otherwise specified.
All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
No part of this journal may be used or reproduced
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written permission from the publisher,
or the individual authors
(in the case of their articles or columns),
except in cases of brief quotations
embodied in articles and reviews.
Opinions expressed by writers in The HeartThread Journal
are not necessarily those of FutureRealm Productions.
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
*********************
A "Letters to the Editor" section will be included in future issues.
Readers wishing to submit a letter should email it to:
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com"
or send it by regular mail to the above address.
Letters may be edited for grammar or length.
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Do Children Need Music?
.........................
by Olga S. Hardman
Do children need music? They certainly do! Can you
imagine life without "Happy Birthday", "America",
"Amazing Grace" or Beethoven's "Symphony #5"? What would
a wedding be without the wedding march and the love
songs, or a funeral without songs of consolation for the
bereaved?
Music is all around us. It is an art form that
accompanies all the important events of human life.
Research studies have been done which indicate that soft
music piped into the delivery room can even make the
birth process less traumatic for both mother and child.
It would seem that anything so important to human
life would be considered essential to the curricula in
all schools. Unfortunately, such is not the case.
In some areas of the country, music has almost been
legislated out of the school curriculum. It is one of the
first subjects to be eliminated when public funds for
education are scarce. This situation will not change
unless the American public comes to value music, not only
as an aesthetic art form, but also as a medium for
developing children to their full potential.
Music is one of the few subjects that affects each
of the ten basic functions of man - intellectual, moral,
spiritual, social, economic, political, physical,
domestic, aesthetic, and recreational. (see footnote)
Music educators have always believed that music is a
necessary part of the school curriculum because it
contributes to human development in so many important
ways. Let's look at some of the ways music study enhances
child development.
The study of music helps to develop the intellect.
The practice necessary for developing music skills
requires repeated mental activity and demands
coordination of mind and body. This pleasant engagement
of mind and body in worthwhile endeavor also improves the
sensory and motor perceptions of the individual.
Pleasurable music experiences tend to engage
students in constructive ways that encourage their
physical and mental well-being. Such intense involvement
almost prohibits the intrusion of outside forces. This
pre-occupied state is established either in creating or
re-creating music. In either situation, it serves to give
the creator a feeling of self-satisfaction or
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self-fulfillment. A well designed program of music
education directs students' energies in such a way as to
give them direction and opportunity for commendable
ethical achievement. From these students, then, who have
self-satisfaction and self-esteem, we can expect
exemplary social behavior.
With rare exception, human beings are born with a
built-in musical instrument, i.e., the voice, which is
man's instinctive mode of communication. There are times
when people feel so intensely happy, sad, forlorn, or
simply overwhelmed with pleasure or grief that they
either shout for joy or wail in agony. It would be a
gross waste of natural resources not to develop the use
of this most beautiful of all musical instruments through
a comprehensive music education program for all students.
Many studies have shown that the study of music
(singing, in particular) improves speech, reading, and
the use of language. Because the language of music is
orderly, participation in music making helps to instill
an orderly thought process, which is necessary to the
production of good language. Since the flow of the
melodic line, as well as the rhythmic patterns and
dynamics, are written to compliment the text of a song,
the act of singing helps to convey the meaning of the
words. Hence, it can be said that through the study of
vocal music, a comprehensive vocabulary can be increased.
Rhythm, a fundamental element of music, is basic to
all the functions of our bodies and those of the
universe, as well. Hearts beat, lungs breathe, the sun
and moon rise and set, waters ripple and flow, and all of
these phenomena occur in precise rhythmic patterns. To be
exposed to music study on a regular basis tends to help
students become aware of and attuned to their own body
rhythms and those of the universe.
The practice of reading music serves to improve the
peripheral vision because the eye is forced to encompass
a larger span of the page than it does in reading the
text only. It serves, also, to increase reading speed
because the eye is forced to move ahead so as not to
distort the rhythmic flow of the music. With continual
practice in reading music, the speed of reading words
almost always increases.
An aesthetic musical experience is an excellent
emotional catharsis. Either to produce music by singing
or playing an instrument, alone or with others, or to
consume music by listening to it, is an excellent way to
relieve tension or to "let off steam." It is also a
socially acceptable way to accomplish these ends. Since
our mental hospitals and jails are currently filled with
people who apparently have been unable to ventilate their
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The HeartThread Journal Page 6
emotions in socially acceptable ways, it appears that
music is a socially valuable subject to have in every
school curriculum.
Although most students will not pursue a career in
music, there are many productive careers available in the
field. Most of these, however, require a degree of skill
that can only be achieved with many years of practice.
This demands that students be introduced early to the
discipline of music study. If this does not occur in the
elementary schools of this country, numerous talented
students will find it too late to start preparation for a
music career later in life.
Recreation is another function of participation in
music activities. Through music, one becomes relaxed and
refreshed - literally, created anew. More importantly,
music enables one to re-create. Alone of the non-verbal
arts, through participation, music gives students a
chance to co-operate, to co-create masterworks together
with the genius who created them in the first place. In
no other art form is the very being of the student so
necessary - to collaborate, to re-create. Our present
society, being especially conditioned by leisure,
particularly demands greater emphasis on re-creation and
recreation.
If the aesthetic function of music is one of the
common denominators of all people, then it is clear that
aesthetic education is a requirement for the total
development of all students. With Plato, we might say
that we must make it our goal to help all students to
love the good and beautiful and to hate what is bad and
ugly.
Over the past several years much research has been
done in the field of gerontology. The consensus of
opinion among these researchers is that people must be
prepared in their youth for a healthy, happy, and useful
old age. If these valuable skills, which can be acquired
through the study of music, are not learned by the
students in our schools, they are not likely to be
acquired later in life.
Surely, when parents see the advantages of a good
music education program, they will demand such programs
for their children. The economic condition of the school
system must not determine whether or not music is
included in the curriculum. The truly impoverished are
those students who have been denied the study of music in
their schools. [Footnote: Music Education in Action,
Edited by Archie N. Jones, Allyn and Bacon, Inc., 1960]
.........................................
Olga S. Hardman is a writer and a retired
music supervisor for the West Virginia school system
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Growing Together in Your First Year of Marriage
.................................................
by Wendy Vidlak
The first year of marriage for many couples is one
of radical change. A new sense of independence and
interdependence is developed. Giving up the old single
lifestyle where you could come and go as you pleased is
replaced by the balancing of the couple's plans versus
going out alone with friends. Then such serious issues
arise as "who left the toilet seat up", and "whose turn
is it to do the laundry?"
How does a married couple work out such differences
in a positive way without giving up the unique
independent spirit that makes them individuals? Can a
couple cope with seemingly continuous disagreements on
"simple" domestic issues? Is it realistic to expect pet
peeves to be overcome and compromise found?
In the book "Marriage and Family Experience" authors
DeVault and Strong discuss ways to avoid intimacy in a
marriage. These ten items limit any discussion of the
conflict at hand or the changes the married individuals
are experiencing:
* Don't talk
* Never show your feelings
* Always be pleasant
* Always win
* Always keep busy
* Always be right
* Never argue
* Make your partner guess what you want
* Always look out for number one
* Keep the television on
This is far from a complete list, but it does
demonstrate some interesting points. I came into my
marriage believing that it was the wife's duty to be
pleasant and not to argue. So instead of confronting
problems, I would shove them under the rug. Little things
such as the "right" way to do the laundry, and who left
the toilet paper roll empty slowly began to build up. I
became angrier and angrier.
Since I did not want to argue, I avoided the
subjects and allowed them to fester. I simply waited,
hoping my husband would understand the subtle hints I was
leaving. It kept gathering steam until one day I threw a
roll of quarters at him for sorting the laundry
incorrectly, followed by a tirade of everything negative
he had done in the relationship. My husband did not see
it coming.
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Since then, we have worked hard at finding better
solutions to easing strain in our marriage. After reading
many good marriage books, and some soul searching, I
would like to share some of the solutions that have
worked for us.
The first solution I would like to mention is the
value of taking time to cool down before discussing a hot
issue. I know that when I get angry I no longer try to
work things out, but tend to hurt my spouse. Anger in
itself is not bad, but some of its possible effects are.
When my husband has just taken my last nerve and rubbed
it raw I now know to leave for a few minutes. I've found
that taking a walk or even just getting out of the same
room helps calm me down so that I am more reasonable when
we do work out the issue. This doesn't mean that we never
shout. Yelling is a normal part of anger and helps
release the stress of the moment. If someone keeps their
anger bottled up inside it is going to explode at a later
unpredictable time.
This leads to the second solution, that of sticking
to the issue at hand, rather than all the issues of the
entire relationship. It is really easy to bring up every
past indiscretion. This is simply not productive. Finding
compromise amidst all the trash on the table is much more
difficult than discovering a happy medium on one issue.
I've found that it is also important not to attack one's
spouse. Compromise is rarely found when one or both
people are on the defensive.
Lastly, a couple must try to find a compromise when
a resolution seems unreachable. This is perhaps the
hardest of any of the solutions. Looking for an agreement
on an issue when my husband and I are at complete odds is
a real challenge. It involves both of us giving in --
sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, to the other's
beliefs. At times I am unwilling to give in, since it
seems to be a threat to my independence. I just have to
realize that he will be giving up some of his
independence in return.
This give and take is positive in a marriage as long
as it does not involve only one person doing all the
giving. Some issues are impossible to work out on your
own. For these I would highly recommend a good counselor
or minister, whichever the couple feels comfortable with.
The essence of these solutions is to look at the
other person as one that you chose to be with, and care
for. To not back down from your belief's, but share them
through open communication, making compromise and
resolution a little easier.
.................................
Wendy Vidlak lives in Norwood, MA
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Babysitting Co-ops
....................
by Greta Ward
Just as I was about to totally lose it with my kids
I read a blurb in the "Happenings" section of my local
paper. "Baby-sitting Co-op forming. Meeting Tuesday at
10am, call Rosemary Chansky for more information."
With saucepan in one hand, wooden spoon in the
other, I hurdled over my infant son Daniel who was
happily sprawled among my RevereWare pots sucking
contentedly on one of the handles while Joey paraded
through the living room - grabbed the phone and dialed in
mid-air.
It took her three rings, but when she answered
Rosemary was calm and organized. I've never known her to
be anything else. Not even in the midst of her son
Kevin's projectile vomiting.
At first, a lot of us joined the co-op just to go to
the meetings one Wednesday night every other month. We
had good intentions of actually dating our husbands again
and getting reacquainted with the adult world, but the
reality of leaving our kids for an evening with someone
else was just too much to swallow. We worried that we'd
spend an entire dinner staring toward the kitchen,
imagining that we heard the phone ringing -- signaling
some dire emergency on the home front. Danny tumbling
down the basement stairs in his walker. Joey sticking a
screwdriver in the light socket to "fix it."
After a few meetings though, we began to get to know
each other and trust each other. Maybe we also became
more desperate for a night out, but a few of us began,
tentatively at first, to use the co-op. And something
magical happened. We discovered that not only were we
calmer, nicer people after a break from the kids, but
that the other families in the co-op, the people sitting
for us, were really nice!
"I never could have left Zachary and Ryan (ages 6
months and 2 years) with a teenager for the evening,"
says Robin Pollack, a co-op mom. "Its just so hard.
Finding the co-op gave me confidence. Knowing your kids
are with another mom is comforting. Somehow you feel like
the mom will know what to do if your baby cries, but a
teenager might not."
This co-op has been together for 4 years now and it
works so well, that everyone's comfortable with each
other's kids. The premise is simple and the bylaws aren't
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The HeartThread Journal Page 10
complicated. The bylaws are necessary just in case
there's any dissention in the ranks, but so far there
haven't been any insurmountable problems. We've found
that 15 families is an optimal working number and the
secretarial duties rotate alphabetically every other
month.
Here's how it works: if I need a sitter for Saturday
night I call the secretary and let her know the hours I
need someone for. She then looks down the list to see who
is the most "in-debt" or owes the most hours, and calls
that person. She goes on down the list from most in-debt
to least in-debt until someone accepts the sit. That
person then calls me and lets me know they'll be my
sitter. Any details are worked out then (dinner, special
considerations, etc.). That's it in a nutshell. The
bylaws outline how hours are earned and debited for each sit.
Basically, for the first child each hour counts as
an hour. Each additional child after that adds on another
half hour. So a sit for two children which lasts 3 hours
would be a credit of 4.5 hours for the sitter and a debit
of 4.5 hours for the gadder (or person going out). A few
minor points which can affect hours are meal times (these
add another quarter hour to the total sit) and weekends
when each hour counts as two regardless of the number of
children.
Most co-ops operate from a set of fairly common
bylaws, but these are never set in stone. The meetings
are held, in part, to discuss any amendments of additions
which need to be made to the bylaws. We find it's also a
good time to get input from other parents on general
child-rearing concerns as well. Everything from biting
siblings to grumpy kids who won't go to bed has been
discussed.
"We've had to add a few things to the bylaws, and
change a few," says Chansky. "The biggest addition we
made was to elect someone as a moderator so that co-op
members would have a device for dealing with disputes. Of
course," she smiles, "since we put that in the bylaws no
one has called me to moderate anything."
If there is a dispute between two members the first
step is for those involved to try to work it out between
themselves. At this point they should inform, but not
involve the mediator. If a second complaint is registered
against the same person the mediator then speaks to them.
The report of a third incidence results in the problem
being brought before the entire co-op membership and a
vote of dismissal is taken.
This has never been made a real issue. "Part of the
beauty of a co-op," says Wendy Pechacek, mother of two,
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The HeartThread Journal Page 11
"is that everyone works together and we all get along.
We've become friends over the years and many of us get
together outside the co-op for trips to the playground
and zoo."
Co-ops, which are popping up all over (a second one
is starting in Wakefield because the waiting list for the
first has gotten so long) are a cheap alternative to
traditional babysitting, but are even more important
because they provide a sense of security. At least for
those of us with very young children, it is somehow more
comforting to leave our kids with another parent. I've
found that the co-op was also a great springboard into
the world of teenage babysitters as my kids got a bit
older.
This is an idea whose time has come. Most families
can't depend on in-laws anymore for an occasional evening
of babysitting (my inlaws are on the opposite coast) and
in a very broad sense, the co-op becomes a surrogate for
the extended families of a generation ago. They aren't
meant to serve as day-care replacements, but they sure
are a great alternative to the nail-biting tension of
leaving your precious little ones with strangers.
Steps Needed to Start Your Own Co-Op
......................................
1. Set up some basic bylaws.
2. Put an ad in the "Around Town" or "Happenings"
section of your local paper announcing a start-up meeting
of a babysitting co-op. Ask that people call you to let
you know they're coming. Limit attendance to about 15
families. More than that gets burdensome.
3. Get a loose-leaf binder and some graph paper for
keeping records of the sits.
4. Make up a medical form which gives permission to
the sitter to have the child treated in a medical
emergency.
5. Collect membership dues of $5.00 from each family
at the first meeting to cover incidental costs (paper and
stamps to send out bi-monthly updates of hours to each
member). We always have enough left over from dues for an
annual picnic at someone's home.
6. Make up a member list. This should include: name,
telephone number, address, husband's work number (and
wife's if appropriate), children's names and birth dates,
ages (in years and months), doctor, telephone number, and
allergies. Each member should keep this list handy.
Mine's posted next to the phone. It is very convenient to
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The HeartThread Journal Page 12
have the information about the children's ages right at
your fingertips - especially in the beginning before
everyone is familiar with each other's families.
7. Hold meetings every other month at the current
secretary's house. At these meetings you can discuss any
issues which have come up, socialize, and pass the record
book along to the next secretary. The Wakefield Co-op
holds its meetings on Wednesday nights at 7:30 (no kids
allowed except the secretary's) and dessert has become a
tradition.
(A sample copy of bylaws can be obtained by sending
a business size self-addressed stamped envelope to
Babysitting Co-op Bylaws, 15 Willard Road, Wakefield, MA
01880)
.................................
Greta Ward lives in Wakefield, MA
* * * * * * * *
Mother Linda's Carrot Cake
............................
by Linda Forristal
Here's a fast and fantastic family recipe from
Mother Linda. It is made with Sucanat (SUgar CAne
NATural), which is dehydrated cane juice made from
fresh-cut, organically grown sugarcane. Look for it in
any health food store.
Mother Linda's Carrot Cake
--------------------------
This has become my family's standard birthday cake,
as well as cupcakes for school events. I use only the
best ingredients for this recipe -- organic carrots,
unbromated white flour, and a good, low-saturated oil.
You can also use whole wheat flour or spelt, another
alternative grain. While the cake will not rise as much,
it still tastes great.
- 4 eggs
- 2 cups Sucanat
- 1 1/4 cups oil
- 2 cups flour of choice
- 1 tsp. salt
- 2 tsp. cinnamon
- 2 tsp. soda
- 3 cups grated carrots
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The HeartThread Journal Page 13
Combine all ingredients. Pour into a greased 9 x 13
inch cake pan. Bake at 350 degrees for about 40 minutes
or until cake springs back. Cool well before icing.
Mother Linda's Icing
--------------------
Why spoil a great cake with a sugar-laden frosting?
This frosting comes out a beautiful creamy brown color
and tastes great. No sugar shock!
- 8 oz. cream cheese, softened
- 1/4 cup butter, softened
- 1/2 to 1 cup Sucanat
- 1 tsp. vanilla
Cream together the cream cheese and butter; add
vanilla. Slowly add Sucanat until you reach the sweetness
desired.
.................................
Linda Forristal is the author of
"Ode to Sucanat: The First Sucanat Cookbook",
and lives in Bladensburg, MD.
Check the "Resource Guide" below
to find out how to order her cookbook.
* * * * * * * *
To Work or Not to Work
........................
by C.J. Spalding
As a new parent, I find my attention drawn
immediately to headlines that include the words "child",
"infant", or "daycare". So, when I opened the local paper
recently to the editorials, the words "Daycare Dilemma"
jumped out at me. Below it were two separate columns.
The first, written by a housewife with two children,
extolled the virtues of being a stay-at-home mother, and
harshly criticized women who, in her words, "leave the
child rearing completely in the hands of perfect
strangers so that they can have their fur coats and
annual dream vacations."
The second letter was written by a young advertising
executive, also with two children. Her article dwelt on
the fact that she was, again in her own words, "a
contributing member of the family" rather than "a lazy
housewife with little or no ambition who prefers to do
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The HeartThread Journal Page 14
nothing with her life but sit around watching soap operas
all day until her husband comes home with his paycheck."
Now wait just a minute here. Am I really seeing this
right? How can two people be so far apart on one issue?
Do they actually believe what they're saying about each
other? And why do they feel they have to justify their
positions in the first place?
But this is reality. Women, and to a lesser extent
men, are strictly divided on this, and are often
extremely critical of those holding the opposing belief.
This criticism is often just as blunt as in the two
editorials I've mentioned. However, these two letters
show how many misconceptions each side has.
The first letter states some of these misconceptions
very clearly in one sentence. Does this woman really
think that the daycare worker, nanny, or babysitter is
doing ALL of the child rearing? What about evenings?
Weekends? Holidays? Most parents are almost fanatical in
the lengths they will go through to ensure that the
person or people they choose to care for their child is
the best possible choice.
Her comment about the fur coats and dream vacations,
though, is the one sure to get working parents up in
arms. The mothers who are working for those reasons are
few and far between. In many cases, both parents have to
work just to put food on the table, whether it is because
one doesn't have the skills necessary for a high enough
paying job, their debts are too high, or the cost of
living in their part of the country demands it.
By the same token, the second letter is also strewn
with false impressions. This woman calls herself "a
contributing member of the family." Has our society
become so materialistic that only those making a monetary
contribution are considered to be of value? Most of the
stay-at-home moms I know are far from the lazy housewife
stereotype. Most of them don't even have the time to
watch soap operas. No, they are much too busy providing a
stimulating environment in which their children can
learn, preparing nutritious home-cooked meals for their
families, and shopping for the necessities which they
still must provide -- even on a tight budget.
I myself am a working mother, but only due to
financial necessity. Nevertheless, I have had to put up
with endless abuse (and that's not too strong a term to
use.) One example comes to mind of a co-worker who asked
if I was planning to take a year or two off when my child
was born. When I answered that I would be back at work
after only four months of maternity leave, he bluntly
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 15
stated "So you're not going to be a real mother to your
kid then."
Others have asked if I did not appreciate my own
mother staying at home with me when I was a child. Well,
yes, I most certainly did, but I cannot really say I
preferred that, having never had the experience of having
a working mother. On the other hand, my husband did have
that experience. He grew up being cared for in daycare
centers and by babysitters right from day one. Surprise,
surprise, he's not a homicidal maniac. And I'm not an
antisocial, withdrawn misfit. That part of our
upbringing didn't seem to dictate our social and mental
growth. What really counted was that we were shown lots
of love.
And that's what really counts today. Love. Whether
one's mother stays home and sacrifices the extra income
and possible social stature, or whether one's mother goes
to work, maybe feeling a bit guilty but perhaps feeling
as if she personally is a better mother that way, or
whether dad is the one to stay home with the kids, their
well-being is really dependant on the love shown them. We
should all be able to make the choices we must without
having to defend them, and without feeling as if we are
not good parents or good people because of what we've
chosen.
Praise the working mothers. And praise those who
stay at home. For we all love our children with all our
hearts. And that's all that really matters, isn't it?
.......................
Cathy Spalding lives in
Sorrento, British Columbia, Canada
* * * * * * * *
Parental Love is Eternal
..........................
by Peter F. Brown
Excerpted from the book
"Striving for Parental Love
- A Practical Guide on Giving Parental Love to Children"
--------------------------------------------------------
"The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but
that they cease to love."
Somerset Maugham
"Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of
children."
William M. Thackeray
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 16
"It is impossible that anything so natural, so
necessary, and so universal as death, should ever have
been designed by Providence as an evil to mankind."
Jonathan Swift
. . . . . . .
How long should parental love last? After we have
poured out our heart to our children, for ten, twenty, or
thirty years, should we grow cool in our feelings toward
them?
It is simple to answer that by asking ourselves if,
at the height of our new love for our children, when they
are young, we would like to love them forever. Of course
the answer is "yes". It is rather like couples when they
enter into marriage. It would be quite odd if two people
said to each other, on the way to the altar, "Now,
Rudolph, now Matilda, remember -- this is only for a
month. After that we won't love each other at all."
We don't plan to "fall out of love" with our spouse,
and we don't plan to become estranged from our children.
Rather, our fervent hope is that our love will become
more and more burning, more and more passionate and
unselfish.
Imagine that we have poured out our hearts to our
children; teaching, serving, hugging, loving, for many
years. Imagine that we have never subjected the children
to even a single moment of ill-temper. Imagine that we
have loved our children with a standard of unselfish love
that surpassed all the saints and good people of history.
We have expressed our love fully and completely. Our
heart toward each of the children is totally committed
and pure, with no feeling of anger or resentment.
Imagine that our children have responded with a
beautiful heart of love. They love us profoundly, to the
point where we and our children almost think alike. They
understand our hearts completely, and we experience a
vibration of heart between us that resonates with joy.
Would we want our relationship of heart with our
children to continue from that point on, forever and
ever?
We want to be together with our children for
eternity! How do we know that this is true? Ask anyone
whose child has died. If the parents don't want to stay
with their children, then why do the parents grieve?
This doesn't mean that the parents and children
would necessarily want to live in the same house.
(Although, then again, they might.) What it does mean is
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 17
that the bond of heart and love would be so strong that
the parents and children would truly feel joy to see each
other. In that sense, they would feel joy to simply "be
together".
This one fact may be the best evidence that God has
created an after-life for us to live in. It is the nature
of parents that they want to live for eternity with their
children. It is not logical that God would create us to
be His children of unselfish love, invest Himself in the
creation, care for us throughout our lives, and then
simply have us "disappear" at the age of eighty-eight,
gone for good. Erased from existence.
Instead, it is much more "heartistically logical"
that He would create a realm where we could freely relate
to each other, our children, and to God. That realm has
been called by many names by many different religions.
Perhaps the simplest way to describe it would be the
"spiritual world". People of all denominations are
becoming intensely interested in the topic of
life-after-death. Hence movies such as Ghost, with
Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore, are very popular.
One might ask what place a discussion of the
after-life has in a book about parental love. Good
question!
Public opinion surveys have shown that the majority
of Americans believe in life after death -- in some form.
I am not in any way attempting to express or discuss
denominational beliefs. There are many opinions about the
exact attributes of life after death. I am, on the other
hand, trying to highlight the logic that love was created
to be eternal.
Even though life after death is still an unknown
realm, isn't it true that our vision about parental love
is affected by the knowledge that the spiritual world
exists? After a lifetime of loving our children, we have
at least the glimmer of a hope that we will see them
again, and love them again, after we physically die.
This has a tremendous impact on our hearts. Our love
for our children becomes focused on an eternal
relationship. With that time frame to work with, our
perspective about the value of love deepens and broadens.
As parents, we become concerned with the eternal
well-being of the children. Their long-range welfare is
paramount. One of the ways to describe parents is that
parents live to bring true eternal joy, based upon love,
to their children.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 18
When we think about the spiritual world, or
life-after-death, our view about what is valuable to us
changes. I believe that when we do approach the age of
eighty-eight (or some other large number) we will look
back upon our life and remember more than anything else
the people whom we have loved -- and will love forever.
Our parents. Our spouse. Our children. Our friends. The
times that our hearts were touched and melted with the
joy of giving and receiving love. A great part of our joy
will be based upon the relationships of heart and love
that we will have established with our children and with
other people.
Based upon this view that relationships of unselfish
love are eternal and are of the highest value, our
actions and viewpoint will be influenced. It will become
ever more clear to us that parental love is part of an
eternal relationship -- a relationship that will bring us
far more joy than any material stimuli. This type of
value system will create an impact on our own lives, the
lives of our children, and the lives of everyone around
us.
........................................................
Peter F. Brown is the author of the book,
"Striving for Parental Love" and lives in
Virginia Beach, VA with his wife Kim and their
four children, Tymon, Thea Grace, Ranin and Tadin
* * * * * * * *
The Movie Mom's Guide to Movies and Videos for Families
.........................................................
Visit The Movie Mom's Guide on the
World Wide Web at:
"http://pages.prodigy.com/VA/rcpj55a/moviemom.htm"
by Nell Minow
These are reviews for parents of the best of current
films and old movies available on video and cable, by
Nell Minow, author, film critic, and mother. Reviews will
be updated each week [on Nell's web page] with
recommendations and replies to questions about movies on
special topics, suitability of particular movies for
children, and movie trivia--try to stump me! I'd also
love your suggestions for a new book on movies for
families. The best kids' comments I receive will be
published. Send email to "rcpj55a@prodigy.com."
Mr. Holland's Opus
******************
Older kids may enjoy "Mr. Holland's Opus," which
could leave them with new appreciation for their teachers
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 19
(and for music lessons). It is the story of a man who
takes a teaching job to support his family, thinking it
will leave him plenty of time for his real passion --
composing. But he finds himself giving his life over the
next thirty years to the students, and is bereft when he
is laid off due to budget cuts and the assumption that
the arts are somehow tangential to "real school." It
skates close to the edge of sappiness with a subplot
about Mr. Holland's son, whose deafness prevents his
understanding what Mr. Holland cares about most. But the
performance of Richard Dreyfuss in the lead role and the
memory of the teacher in our own lives who touched us
most make it worthwhile. WARNING: Some strong language
and a subtle portrayal of teacher-student attraction.
CLASSIC VIDEOS: For other movies of inspiring
teachers, try "Goodbye, Mr. Chips," "To Sir With Love,"
and "Up the Down Staircase" (the last two for 12 and up
only.)
NOT BAD FOR THE YOUNGER SET: "Dunston Checks In," a
slapstick farce about a monkey in an elegant hotel.
Coming later this month is "Muppet Treasure Island,"
which looks very promising.
NEW ON VIDEO:
*************
"The Indian in the Cupboard" - The well-loved
children's book is beautifully brought to life, as a boy
named Omri finds that when he locks his small plastic
Indian in a cupboard with a magic key, the Indian comes
to life. Omri learns about the responsibility, as well as
the delights, of caring for someone very small. Highly
recommended.
For my list of the best movies for families, see "A
Practical Guide to Practically Everything", published by
Random House.
...........................................
Nell Minow writes the Movie Mom's Guide,
on the World Wide Web at:
"http://pages.prodigy.com/VA/rcpj55a/moviemom.htm"
* * * * * * * *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 20
HeartQuestions
----------------
Questions & Answers about
Marriage, Parenting & Family Issues
-------------------------------------
Send your questions by email to:
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com"
or by regular mail to:
HeartQuestions
P.O. Box 4131
Virginia Beach, VA 23454 / USA
....................................................
HeartQuestions is published as a weekly column on
The HeartThread Resource Page at:
"http://futurerealm.com"
by Peter F. Brown
[Helping Your Child Overcome Shyness; Children and Dating]
DEAR PETER:
I have an eleven year old daughter who is very shy.
She is extremely intelligent, she loves to read, and she
gets very involved in certain television shows or book
series. With a few friends she is very lively, but with
the majority of people she is very shy. We have tried to
be loving and supportive and explain to teachers and
others that she is just very shy, but some people are
worried about her social development. What do you think,
and what do you recommend?
Concerned Dad
DEAR CONCERNED DAD:
If you look at your daughter and find that she's a
generous-hearted, good-natured and loving girl, I would
say that you don't have to worry at all. If, on the other
hand, your daughter tends to be cold, selfish and
petulant, then you should be worried. Wouldn't you say
that the attribute of being socially "active" is found
among both types of people? Being a social butterfly does
not necessarily a deep, loving, caring child make.
Teach your daughter to love others, serve others,
and look at others with compassion and sensitivity. It's
a cold, cruel, and often brutal world out there --
especially among children, who can be unusually cruel to
each other. Help your daughter to realize that
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 21
ultimately, her greatest joy will come through helping
and loving others. As she experiences this, she'll become
more interested in people.
A motivation of love will give her the power to
overcome her natural shyness. After all, when someone is
suffering, or in need, shyness becomes irrelevant. At the
same time, teaching our children to live with a
motivation of love is far more wonderful than raising our
children to become brainless gadabouts. It sounds like
your daughter is very sensitive. This can become her
greatest asset. Honor her for it and help her hone it
into something even greater.
DEAR PETER:
Our daughter is twelve and a half and is very
popular and has many friends, but she doesn't want to
date. She senses that one of the boys that she knows is
getting a crush on her and wants to ask her for a date.
She feels uncomfortable. What is the best way for her to
make clear her position, yet still maintain her
friendship, without hurting the boy's feelings?
A. - from Washington, DC
DEAR A:
Tell your daughter to be extremely clear,
straightforward and kind. As we all know, teenagers today
are being influenced to be anything but abstinent. She
will undoubtedly receive a great deal of pressure from
many boys. Guide her to state her position clearly. For
example, "I don't want to date anyone because I'm waiting
until I'm older."
She can tell the boy that they can "just be
friends", but not boyfriend and girlfriend -- more like
brother and sister. Teach her to draw the line very
firmly. Tell her to not allow any kissing, hugging, or
hand holding. In fact, to be really safe, you should
teach her to never be alone with boys. If she's not alone
with a boy in an unsupervised environment, there isn't
much chance for something to happen.
Teenagers are very passionate. It's extremely
difficult for them to control their emotions. The best
protection is to control their environment. Encourage
your daughter to join clubs or other organizations, and
conduct her social life in groups, rather than getting
connected to the dating scene.
Teach your daughter to communicate to other
teenagers the value of waiting. More and more teenagers
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 22
are realizing that teen pregnancy will damage their
lives. The organization called "Best Friends", based
right in your town, Washington, DC, and founded by Elayne
Bennett, is making tremendous advances in this regard.
It's getting more and more popular to "just say no to
sex". In Japan a movement is starting among teenagers
that espouses the slogan "Purity is Stylish." If your
daughter talks about these things, many of her classmates
may respond and appreciate her efforts. She's definitely
going in the right direction. She can be proud of
herself.
...........................................
Peter F. Brown lives in Virginia Beach, VA
* * * * * * * *
Ranin and the Red Thumb - (A True Story)
..........................................
by Kim Korman Brown
(Author's Note: Although this is not a typical
column, I hope readers enjoy this true children's story
about our third child, Ranin.)
-------------------------------------------------------
Ranin was four years old.
"Ranin Brown was a cowboy,
He was a true love cowboy,
with warm love eyes.
He liked to fight the outlaws
and he saved the women and children.
Yeehaw!"
These are the words to a song his daddy made up for
him. Ranin Brown was a handsome boy. Most of the time he
was a boy of true love. But sometimes he got angry.
When he got angry, his face screwed up into a mean,
twisted-up pickle face. It was hard to see where the
handsome went when he got mad.
When he got angry sometimes he threw things.
Sometimes he yelled things.
Sometimes he stomped his feet and banged his fists.
Sometimes he called people a "pig face!"
One day Ranin and his mom were sitting on the couch.
They were watching Ranin's favorite movie, "The Black
Stallion". They were sitting close together and they
smiled at each other.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 23
"Ranin, you're so sweet today. How come sometimes
you get so mad?" his mom said.
Ranin smiled at his mom and held up one hand. "This
much of me is good," he said wiggling five fingers. "And
this much of me is mean," he said wiggling the other
five.
Then his mom took the fingers he said were mean.
"No, this one is good, and this one is good, and this one
is good, and this one is good and just this thumb is a
little bit mean," she said, kissing them one by one.
The next day they told his dad about his thumb. His
dad said, "Ranin, would you like to know a secret?"
Ranin nodded yes.
"If you keep kissing your mean thumb when you feel
mean, pretty soon it won't be mean anymore. Pretty soon
it will be a true love thumb!"
Then his daddy kissed Ranin's thumb, and said, "See?
It's better already!"
And Ranin smiled.
The next time Ranin got really mad he started
yelling and stomping and slamming the doors.
"Hey Ranin, you better kiss your thumb," his mom
said.
Ranin looked at his thumb and forgot about being mad
for a minute. He smiled and showed his mother. "Look,
it's red. That's how you can tell I'm still mad."
His mother laughed and kissed his thumb. "I'm still
mad," he said, trying to look angry.
"We better work on it some more," his mother said.
Then she kissed his thumb and tickled his tummy until he
wasn't mad any more. They laughed and tickled and hooted
and squealed. Then they smiled at each other.
"I think it worked." said his mom, pointing to his
thumb.
"Look!" said Ranin. "It's not red anymore!"
And from then on, whenever Ranin had a mean thumb,
he kissed it, and smiled a special cowboy smile.
........................................
Kim Korman Brown is a writer and a Mom,
living in Virginia Beach, Virginia
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 24
The HeartThread Resource Guide
- Resources for Couples, Parents & Families -
...............................................
If you have any books, products, services, seminars,
or other helpful items that you would like us
to mention in this space, please email us at
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com".
This advertising space is FREE for a limited time.
*****************************************************************
Mother Linda's
"Ode to Sucanat: The First Sucanat Cookbook"
by Linda Forristal
Order your copy today by sending a check or money
order for $6.50 to:
Mother Linda's
P.O. Box 7
Bladensburg, MD 20710
Please write "HeartThread" on the memo line.
*****************************************************************
WeeBodies
.........
Weebodies has fun, quality play clothes for boys and
girls. Sizes from infant to age 12. For a free brochure,
send your mailing address to tgs@netshop.net
or mail to:
WeeBodies
RR#1, Site 19, Comp. 70
Sorrento, B.C., Canada VOE 2WO
*****************************************************************
Fit For 2 Step Aerobic Workout For Pregnancy Video
--------------------------------------------------
The video is a variable-intensity, high-energy
60-minute program led by ACE-certified pre- & post-natal
exercise specialist Lisa Stone, that includes a
discussion of the latest (1994) ACOG guidelines for
exercise during pregnancy, a 22-minute cardio workout
that can be done with or without a step, strength
training for the upper & lower body, an abdominal/pelvic
floor workout, a total-body stretch & relaxation segment,
and a Q&A session with ob/gyn Dr. Jeffrey Marcus.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 25
The cost of the video is $19.95 + $3.00 shipping.
Order by sending a check to:
Fit For 2
P.O. Box 70062
Marietta, GA 30007-0062
or by calling The Step Company at 1-800-729-7837 and
using your credit card.
- ACE-certified pre- & post-natal fitness specialist
- Founder, Fit For 2 Pre- & Post-Natal Fitness
(Atlanta, GA / USA)
- Producer, Fit For 2 Step Aerobic Workout
For Pregnancy video
(http://www.nav.com/mainstreet/fitfor2.htm)
*****************************************************************
"Striving for Parental Love -
A Practical Guide on Giving Parental Love to Children"
by Peter F. Brown
Now Available! The newly printed Third Edition of
this easy to read book highlights the "heart" of
parenting, with ground-breaking methods to build a family
of true love.
$10.95 plus $4.00 shipping and handling
(VA residents add .045 % sales tax.)
Send US Bank Check or Money Order to:
FutureRealm Productions
P.O. Box 4131
Virginia Beach, VA 23454 / USA
*****************************************************************
"Striving for Parental Love Seminars"
Three hour seminars based upon the book of the same
name. Seminars can be held anywhere in the world, (if a
good local translator is available for non-English
speaking countries.)
Seminars are given by Peter F. Brown, the author of
the book. Fees can be structured to raise money for your
local organization, or sponsor. A percentage of each
attendee's fee goes to FutureRealm Productions.
For more information, call FutureRealm Productions
at: (804) 468-6848, or visit our web site at:
"http://futurerealm.com" or send us email at:
"peterbrown@futurerealm.com".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The HeartThread Journal Page 26
(end of document)